Category Archives: Stores

Brickell Smoke Shop 1 Comment Read more »

Brickell Smoke Shop

The most fun thing about smoke shops is their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. I’ve never gone to another store and spoken in euphemisms to get what I wanted. Even if I went to a sex toy shop, I’d be like, “Hey, I’d like a…


Mr. Ganache Chocolatier Leave a comment Read more »

Mr. Ganache Chocolatier

Mr. Ganache is the closest thing to Willy Wonka we’ll ever have. No, he’s not a sociopath who nonchalantly disposes of children using candy, subterfuge, and midgets, he’s just a little French dude who likes making chocolate and chocolate-based shit. And all that shit is…


Opa Locka-Hialeah Flea Market 3 Comments Read more »

Opa Locka-Hialeah Flea Market

Hialeah is like a third-world version of Miami. The Opa Locka Hialeah Flea Market is like a 99th-world version of Hialeah if Hialeah were the name of a run-down strip club in Haiti. What I love most about the flea market is how they have…


IKEA Leave a comment Read more »


30 Rock assured me my girlfriend and I would break up if we went to IKEA together. I was getting ready to pack all her shit up for her and help her book a flight from Sunrise back to Miami. Well, we’re still together, which…


The UPS Store Downtown 1 Comment Read more »

The UPS Store Downtown

Normally on Fridays I like leaving reviews about places you can visit over the weekend, like restaurants, clubs, or graveyards to have kinky forbidden ghost sex. I wonder what that’s like. If you’d like to join me in experimenting this sort of sexual endeavor, email…


Perricones Marketplace and Cafe 3 Comments Read more »

Perricones Marketplace and Cafe

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Perricones is a little half-restaurant, half-market, half-bar, half-this-is-shitty-math hidden in Mary Brickell Village. I’m serious, dude, it’s hidden behind bushes, trees, and an annoying little valet parking spot. It’s like the Narnia of Brickell, except the only goat-people around are in the kitchen…


Gentleman's Review: Il Gabbiano Leave a comment Read more »

Gentleman’s Review: Il Gabbiano

19th Century Time-traveling Gentleman’s Review: Il Gabbiano [post_intro] [/post_intro] As a gentleman bred of the highest American pedigree, it was of surprise to me the way restauranteurs of the 21st century comported themselves. This establishment, however, redeemed its compatriots in certain attributes. I found it…


Sam Ash Music 1 Comment Read more »

Sam Ash Music

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Sam Ash is like Best Buy for dudes who have tattoos and can’t read music. Over the years, I’ve amassed a respectable amount of knowledge, but within it there are a couple of irrefutable universal absolute FACTS: 1) The entropy of an isolated…


Radio Shack 2 Comments Read more »

Radio Shack

[post_intro] [/post_intro] I go to Radio Shack as often as Tiger Woods cheats on his wife. I’m constantly on the verge of inventing a device that will revolutionize humanity. I’m constantly on the verge of inventing a device that will revolutionize humanity. That’s geek slang…


Apple Store 2 Comments Read more »

Apple Store

[post_intro] [/post_intro] “Getting mugged” is a synonym for “shopping at the Apple Store.” I’m not a hater, I have a Mac Pro, a Macbook Pro, an iPhone, and a multitude of Apple-branded software. However, I recognize a Sasha Grey-inspired public fisting when I see one.…


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