Author Archives: Orlando

Benihana 3 Comments Read more »


This was my first of many banned reviews on Yelp. [post_intro] [/post_intro] If someone said to you, “hey ________, want to go eat food prepared right in front of your face by some Asian dude that performs a one-man food-rerated Cirque du Soreir act with…


Chuck E. Cheese’s 3 Comments Read more »

Chuck E. Cheese’s

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Have you ever wondered if your child inherited the awful gambling addiction gene your uncle Rob unfortunately possesses thanks to some Mesopotamian dickhead ancestor that settled every argument with a game of dice? If that’s the sort of thing that keeps you up…


Lime Fresh Mexican Grill 1 Comment Read more »

Lime Fresh Mexican Grill

[post_intro] [/post_intro] If someone had asked me “hey, Orlando, wanna know what’s a really good place to eat in Midtown? Lime Fresh Mexican Grill!” I would’ve said, “hey, person in this hypothetical scenario, wanna know what I’d rather be than to eat Mexican food? A…


Novecento Leave a comment Read more »


[post_intro] [/post_intro] First thing’s first: How do you pronounce “Novecento”? Following logic, it’s an Italian word so it should be pronounced as “no-ve-CHEN-to.” If you’re retarded, it’s pronounced “no-ve-SEN-to.” “Hey Chad, what’s up bro it’s Todd. Order me the ‘bru-SHEH-da’ with the ‘PEEK-zza’ over at…


Zoo Miami Leave a comment Read more »

Zoo Miami

Our fateful protagonist, yours truly, has no qualms about keeping wild animals in captivity. Given that, there was a time where I was gainfully unemployed due to decisions I made when I imprudently made career determinations involving paltry little details like “overall happiness” and “valuing…


Barnes & Noble Booksellers 3 Comments Read more »

Barnes & Noble Booksellers

[post_intro] [/post_intro] This story begins three years ago. It was an ordinary day and I needed to use an ATM. I stopped by the Publix and used one of the outdoor ATMs. On my way back to my car, I noticed something glistening in the…


Democratic Republic of Beer 2 Comments Read more »

Democratic Republic of Beer

[post_intro] [/post_intro] First off, I forgive the Democratic Republic of Beer. I truly, honest to Zeus forgive them. For what, you ask? For taking the name I’ve always wanted to give to the African country I forcefully take over in 2038. I figure “People’s Democratic…


Town Kitchen and Bar Leave a comment Read more »

Town Kitchen and Bar

[post_intro] [/post_intro] The only reason I set foot in this place was because my iPhone is slow as shit. Let me explain. I had a second date and forgot all about it which tends to happen when the date is planned via a text message…


Brickell Irish Pub 2 Comments Read more »

Brickell Irish Pub

[post_intro] [/post_intro] The occasion was my birthday. Well, initially I dined at Spris along with my closest friends sans one of my absolute most favorite people in the world who unfortunately couldn’t make it. However, this narrative isn’t about Spris, it’s about our second location:…


Titanic Brewery and Restaurant Leave a comment Read more »

Titanic Brewery and Restaurant

[post_intro] [/post_intro] This place is hot. Radioactive like Pripyat. I’ll give you a second to Google that reference. Got it? I know, I’m hilarious! Microbreweries are always awesome. Any place that takes it upon themselves to make beer because they firmly believe that the other…


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