Author Archives: Orlando

Gordon Biersch Leave a comment Read more »

Gordon Biersch

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Here are three things I learned about Gordon Biersch: 1) Their beers are delicious. I was told their secret ingredients included very rare Bavarian hops from the hills of Germany, and a virgin’s innocence. [citation needed] 2) Their fish tacos are misleading. I…


Booby Trap 5 Comments Read more »

Booby Trap

[post_intro] [/post_intro] I like to get my dick wet as much as the next guy, probably even more so. However, where the next guy and I differ are in our love of strip clubs. The general sentiment in the male community is “bro, tits and…


A Lesson in Female Halloween Costumes 2 Comments Read more »

A Lesson in Female Halloween Costumes

Tailored for children but loved infinitely more by adults, Halloween is the American holiday where women have the ability to make dressing like a common whore completely acceptable. It’s pretty much the greatest holiday of all time. How does Halloween top the other holidays, you…


The Vagabond 6 Comments Read more »

The Vagabond

[post_intro] [/post_intro] I don’t know those two girls in the intro image. I chose to display them because they’re unthreateningly attractive. I mean, one of them is wearing a denim jacket. The only time denim could possibly make you threatening is if you’re a character…


A Lesson in Things to Do in Miami 13 Comments Read more »

A Lesson in Things to Do in Miami

Will Smith once said “welcome to Miami.” He also said “hell naw” in 84% of his movie and TV show roles. Miami is one of those big-ass world-renowned cities you hear mentioned in movies, music, and television shows. In most cases, the movie/TV show will…


Sparky's Roadside Barbecue 1 Comment Read more »

Sparky’s Roadside Barbecue

[post_intro] [/post_intro] When I was a barely-English-speaking little snot-nosed kid I thought “barbecue” was a cute Barbie doll. I would hear the word and think, “why does everyone like these fucking things?” On a related note, one time my sister wouldn’t let me play Barbie…


Tropical Chinese Restaurant 3 Comments Read more »

Tropical Chinese Restaurant

[post_intro] [/post_intro] I used to have an Asian woman fetish. I’m not proclaiming that to in any way suggest that I no longer like Asian women, I’m just saying it was a hardcore fetish where I’d see a blond girl and mentally dye her hair,…


Scientology or Christianity: Which is More Chic? Leave a comment Read more »

Scientology or Christianity: Which is More Chic?

I’m grateful the religious rule America because if atheists were in charge of printing money, the motto would be, “In God we don’t trust, because he doesn’t exist. Even if he did, we wouldn’t trust him anyway, because he seems like an asshole.” Think about…


Fleming's Prime Steakhouse & Wine Bar 2 Comments Read more »

Fleming’s Prime Steakhouse & Wine Bar

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Fleming’s, like Morton’s, is one of those chain steak houses that costs an arm, a leg, and the leg of an additional human being from somewhere in southeast Asia. Every time a menu is opened at Fleming’s, a hippie gets anemia. Also like…


The Knife 1 Comment Read more »

The Knife

[post_intro] [/post_intro] For roughly $30 there isn’t a better way to break one of the seven deadly sins and get your money’s worth, except maybe from getting a half-and-half in a Bangkok whorehouse. Both of those options leave you with a little more meat than…


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