Author Archives: Orlando

Hollywood Chillbar Leave a comment Read more »

Hollywood Chillbar

Chillbar is weird, and we’ll get to why in a second, but first let me tell you that the food is awesome and I’ll be going back. It’s kinda like how you’ll watch a trashy reality show and think, “this is strange”, but you keep…


The Leave a comment Read more »

The “What Kind of Buzzfeed Quiz Taker Are You?” Quiz

If you’ve ever wanted to know what actor would play you in the worst movie of all time, whether you’re Cotton-Eyed Joe, or if you should eat a fucking snack, Buzzfeed has you covered! Buzzfeed quizzes are all the rage these days! Find out what…


The Oceanaire's Brunch Leave a comment Read more »

The Oceanaire’s Brunch

The most prominent things I learned throughout the various Black History Months I’ve experienced are: Rosa Parks wasn’t cool, because everybody knows all the cool kids sit in the back of the bus; George Washington Carver probably didn’t have a peanut allergy; and, of course,…


Complaint Letter to Domino's 1 Comment Read more »

Complaint Letter to Domino’s

Hi Domino’s, I’ve been eating healthy lately. As you reach a certain age, you begin to think about things like mortgages and the certainty of death. You also think about what kind of shitty food you should avoid eating just so a decade or two…


A Lesson in Making Good Friends Leave a comment Read more »

A Lesson in Making Good Friends

I wanted to start this off like one of those Reader’s Digest columns where an email to an editor is written out, followed by a thoughtful response, but these days I don’t get those kinds of emails. The only emails I get are the ones…


The Weirdest/Stupidest Sites on the Internet Leave a comment Read more »

The Weirdest/Stupidest Sites on the Internet

The Internet is weird. For some of you, the terms “Goatse”, “Tub Girl”, and “Lemon Party” mean nothing. For others, I’ve hit a few triggers and you’re currently in the fetal position asking the world to make it stop, to make the pain go away.…


Chinois Chinois & Baklava Factory Leave a comment Read more »

Chinois Chinois & Baklava Factory

No, that’s not the name of the restaurant, I’m just reviewing two restaurants at once. Right, it’s surprising. That’s how I felt last night when I walked in with a Groupon expecting to eat some Chinese food and instead ended up eating kebab. Because it…


Biscayne Tavern 1 Comment Read more »

Biscayne Tavern

During Miami Spice, places tend to go downhill with quality and service. This anecdote is based purely on fact: the fact that I like to make things up. Even so, I’m usually more lenient during Spice, which is why I’m going to mostly overlook our…


Why Does Africa Suck So Much Ass? 9 Comments Read more »

Why Does Africa Suck So Much Ass?

Over the years, I’ve gotten into discussions with people about Africa, and why it’s a shithole. My interest in the topic comes from the fact that I’m working on a book that aims to distill human history into a vulgar explanation any layman can get…


Target Wrote Me Back Leave a comment Read more »

Target Wrote Me Back

Last week, I wrote a letter to Target about one of their products rebelling against me and thus dishonoring my family, friends, and pet cat. They replied promptly, and I’m impressed by that. What I’m not impressed by, however, is their refusal to comply with…


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