Author Archives: Orlando

The Miamian's Guide to Zika Leave a comment Read more »

The Miamian’s Guide to Zika

As you’re probably already aware, Miami has received annoying, bloodsucking assholes from Brazil. And more recently, they’ve sent over mosquitoes as well. Zika fever has been an ongoing problem in Asia, Africa, and South/Caribbean America, but has recently become a real problem now that white…


Another Lesson in Miami Driving 2 Comments Read more »

Another Lesson in Miami Driving

For the most part, I don’t disagree with Hitler’s actions. What I disagree on was his choice of victims. Jews are awesome, gays are fabulous, and the handicapped don’t really need any more shit piled on them. If the Third Reich decided to gas and…


How to Be a Miami Millionaire 1 Comment Read more »

How to Be a Miami Millionaire

Miami’s wage gap is bigger than the ass implants of its most vain citizens, everybody knows that. Housing is generally not affordable. We outrank Detroit, AKA “We Can’t Even Afford an AKA”, as the worst place to live. We have Zika. That last one isn’t relevant, I just wanted to remind you in case somehow you forgot about that shit.


And now, a new article! Leave a comment Read more »

And now, a new article!

Finally, a new article! I want to take the time to write about something important to me, and I hope you enjoy it. If not, go fuck yourself, I don’t care.


Alaska Coffee Roasting Leave a comment Read more »

Alaska Coffee Roasting

Ever since Sarah Palin burst into the global spotlight like that embarrassingly stupid friend you have that you put off introducing to your other circle of friends, I’ve mistrusted Alaska. Nothing good could come from there, or so I thought. I have an aunt who…


Ms. Cheezious Restaurant Leave a comment Read more »

Ms. Cheezious Restaurant

There’s something very American about a restaurant owing its beginnings to a food truck. No, not because of the “can-do” attitude that comes with starting from the bottom, pulling yourself up from your bootstraps, and working your way up to success. No. It’s because a…


Green Plate Asian Bistro 1 Comment Read more »

Green Plate Asian Bistro

I can unequivocally state that this place is, in fact, the best thing Doral has to offer. The second best thing is the awful traffic, and the third best is that it’s still technically in America. Doral has a lot going for it. I haven’t…


Rent & Roll (Madrid) Leave a comment Read more »

Rent & Roll (Madrid)

My girlfriend and I casually decided to visit Spain one day, because we have credit cards and a high threshold for financial anguish. Madrid would take up the first leg in our trip, and when looking for things to do, Parque del Retiro was up…


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“I Wanna Marry Harry” is so terrible, people don’t even make fun of it.

When looking for quality television, scoping out the reality genre is like asking 2 Chainz to double check the grammar in your research paper. You should already know that reality TV is stupid as fuck just by the name. Why? Well, pick one of two…


Zielo Leave a comment Read more »


Politics, even in the most indirect of ways, tends to shit all over everything. I use Groupon like a poor person, and I treat it like a good way to discover restaurants I normally wouldn’t think of visiting. That’s what happened this time. I found…


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