Tag Archives: miami beach

Wall 4 Comments Read more »


This has got to be the stupidest place to go to without pre-drinking somewhere else. That’s true of most places in South Beach on account of their “rape is fun” pricing schemes, but Wall takes it to another level. Picture this. It’s 1994 in Rwanda.…


Lucky Strike Lanes & Lounge 1 Comment Read more »

Lucky Strike Lanes & Lounge

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Similar to getting married or getting someone pregnant, bowling is best done while drunk. The better places like Lucky Strike realize this and serve plenty of alcohol. I’m in no way a prolific bowler. I bowled for the first time in my life…


Lincoln Theatre 2 Comments Read more »

Lincoln Theatre

[post_intro] [/post_intro] As a former band nerd and ongoing classical music enthusiast I’m a fan of the Lincoln Theatre. I wonder if in 100 years this place will still be open, and if Run DMC will be considered classical by then. It’d be cool to…


W Hotel South Beach Leave a comment Read more »

W Hotel South Beach

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Calling a place “W” means you don’t give a fuck about Google. That’s gotta be the most un-Googleable™ name on the planet. I’ve never stayed here, but I had a room key. Allow me to explain. Last year my sister and her then-fiancé…


Tapas y Tintos Leave a comment Read more »

Tapas y Tintos

[post_intro] [/post_intro] If I had to choose a way to spend a Saturday night that didn’t involve trying to get knee-deep in some foreign snatch, chilling at a place serving drinks and tapas while some pretty girls in funny dresses dance flamenco is the correct…


Barton G the Restaurant Leave a comment Read more »

Barton G the Restaurant

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Barton G was founded by Kenny G’s younger, straighter brother. Actually, I don’t know if that’s true. Barton may be gayer than Kenny, I would need someone with keen gaydar to assess the situation for me. He’s definitely more eccentric. This is a…


Van Dyke Cafe Leave a comment Read more »

Van Dyke Cafe

[post_intro] [/post_intro] The Van Dyke Cafe has nothing to do with a lesbian’s penchant for her Dodge Caravan. I feel it’s important to make that distinction so you don’t set foot in there harboring the same expectations I did. Fun fact, Van Dyke Cafe was…


Abraxas Lounge 4 Comments Read more »

Abraxas Lounge

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Abraxas trivia night is like anonymous sex. You’re getting fucked in a South Beach residential area and you’d rather not tell anyone about it. But you go back and do it every week. That’s pretty much my story. I have yet to win…


Shake Shack 2 Comments Read more »

Shake Shack

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Found this place after banging some tranny hooker in my rape van parked on Lenox and 18th. (S)he was all, “ay papi, let’s go get some burgers.” I was like, “bitch, please, you already had some meat in your mouth! OH!” That’s how…