Tag Archives: miami bars

Foxhole 1 Comment Read more »

Foxhole

If I could go back to the twenties and not be hanged or disenfranchised for being an outspoken minority with future technology, I would totally go grab a drink or two with some flat-chested hookers at a speakeasy. That’s why the Foxhole seemed like such…

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Blackbird Ordinary 2 Comments Read more »

Blackbird Ordinary

When Transit closed down, I was like as livid as a Black Panther finding out the fact that he’s of around 20% European ancestry. African Americans don’t know that shit, but Wesley Snipes is probably the only black American without a white great great great…

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Poetryview: Kill Your Idol 3 Comments Read more »

Poetryview: Kill Your Idol

Every now and then I feel like going poetic and I turn a regular review into what I like to call a poetryview. Baudelaire, Poe, Frost… Winters.

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Buck 15 2 Comments Read more »

Buck 15

Buck 15 has such a ghetto-ass entrance I thought I needed to provide some kind of password to get in. Like the doorman would ask, “how much is a buck fifteen worth to the Loch Ness monster” and the answer is, “…about tree-fitty.” I had…

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Blue Martini Brickell 5 Comments Read more »

Blue Martini Brickell

A few years ago, Blue Martini signed a contract with Zoo Miami allowing their excess cougars free reign to hang out. It seems that over the years this agreement has yet to change. Blue Martini consistently looks like a casting call for Desperate Housewives and…

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Sugarcane Raw Bar Grill 1 Comment Read more »

Sugarcane Raw Bar Grill

Like Celia Cruz said, “azucar!” She doesn’t say that anymore, unfortunately, because she’s dead. Do you remember where you were and what you were doing when you found out she died? No? But you remember 9/11, you inconsiderate asshole. Even though this place is like…

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Andalus Leave a comment Read more »

Andalus

[post_intro] [/post_intro] This is like the Doral of midtown lounges; full of Venezuelans. And also other varieties of South Americans. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m just preparing you if you don’t like fake tits and an overuse of the word “pana.” First…

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Mondrian South Beach Leave a comment Read more »

Mondrian South Beach

[post_intro] [/post_intro] South Beach hotels, along with brothels and used car dealerships, are places where you know with unequivocal certainty that there are some people being fucked at any given moment in time. …there are some people being fucked at any given moment in time.…

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Waxy O'Connor's Leave a comment Read more »

Waxy O’Connor’s

[post_intro] [/post_intro] STALKER ALERT: I live right above this bar, so it’s strange that I still haven’t written about it. Oh, I know why that is, it’s because there’s absolutely nothing special about it. I would hit it like Chris Brown. If I had to…

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Delano 1 Comment Read more »

Delano

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Miami Beach is well-known for its “boots ‘n cats ‘n” clubs. By the way, if you don’t know what I mean by that, say “boots ‘n cats ‘n” repeatedly. Congratulations, you just beatboxed what a club on South Beach sounds like. Boots ‘n…

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