The ballpark — not a stadium so don’t call it that — gets a bad rap due to the circumstances which led to its development. To sum it up for you, corrupt Miami politicians who have been doing corrupt shit since the Mariel boatlift in the ’80s. For some godforsaken reason, this specific corrupt act in a sea of uncountable corruption was specifically cherry-picked as the thing to lambast for the next decade. Norman Braman and his cocksuckerish lawsuit likely had something to do with it.

From that point on, nothing the Marlins did was ever good enough anymore. They change the uniforms, “Yuck, I don’t like the colors I was used to seeing at the Orange Bowl anyway, and the ‘M’ doesn’t look ‘M’ enough for my tastes!” They sign Jose Reyes, “Why didn’t you get Albert Pujols for double the money instead?” They add a home run statue which is the most Miami-looking thing since Walter Mercado’s wardrobe, “That thing is disgusting, let’s call it ‘Tremenda Mierda Statue’ and pretend that’s hilarious!” Then they start off the season slow and everyone lampoons them for it, and now that they’ve been wrecking teams left and right the past dozen games mum’s the word. Miamians truly are the worst fans in the USA.

To sum it up for you, corrupt Miami politicians who have been doing corrupt shit since the Mariel boatlift in the ’80s.

But enough about that horseshit, let’s talk a little bit about the ballpark. The location, while not the greatest, is still solid. It’s central to most locations where the sizable Miami spic population can get to it. It’s a few minutes from downtown, Doral, and Hialeah. It takes a little longer from Kendall, but not excessively long. And it just so happens to be smack dab in the middle of Little Havana, the veritable ground zero of Cubanismo. If there were a videogame called “Miami”, the final boss’ lair would be in a Little Havana cafeteria. You’d probably arrive before the boss, because he’d be late as usual, but that’s where you’d find him.

The parking situation isn’t the best. And by “isn’t the best” I really mean “it’s an enhanced interrogation technique.” The ballpark holds 37,000 haters fans yet they’ve only allocated garage spots for about 6,000 cars. If we divide that evenly it assumes 6.1 (7, really, because we can’t have 1/10 of a person unless it’s a midget slave) people to a car, and that’s if every single person carpools. I don’t know what kind of clown car situation they expected, but at some point someone with a basic grasp of arithmetic should’ve spoken up and called them on it. This is the only real mistake they made unless you count the ass-raping traffic you’ll need to deal with in the narrow Little Havana streets (which you probably should), and because of it now you’ve gotta street park around Little Havana or pay some dude $10 to let you park on what he claims is his property.

…we can’t have 1/10 of a person unless it’s a midget slave…

As for the park itself? It’s fantastic. It’s everything a real ballpark is supposed to be. The seats face the action, while you’re at the concession stands you can still see what’s going on without necessitating a TV screen, the concession food is pretty good, the field dimensions are great, and no more fucking rain delays! If I had a dollar for every rained out game I missed in the past seasons, I’d have enough soaked dollar bills to almost buy a beer at the game. Yeah, beer is expensive, but that’s everywhere.

I also like that they call it Marlins Park. I know it won’t last forever, but I love names like that instead of some corporate bullshit. I know if I were a wealthy billionaire I’d sponsor a ballpark and call it “Faggotry Field” or something, just to show how absurd the system is.

If you haven’t been to a game yet, do yourself a favor and check it out. It’s a much more enjoyable experience than Joe Robbie ever was, plus the Marlins are playing well now. And they need the asses on the seats.

• 501 Marlins Way
• Miami, FL 33125
• (877) 411-2012
• marlins.com

USUALLY I DON’T EAT ALL THIS CHINESE SHIT BECAUSE SOME ORIENTAL MOTHERFUCKER NAME LEE KIM I CHEATED OFF OF IN MACROECONOMICS LAST SEMESTER GOT ME MOST OF THE ANSWERS WRONG. I WAS LIKE, “WHAT THE FUCK, CHANG?” AND HE SAID THAT THE PROFESSOR HANDS OUT DIFFERENT TESTS THAT HAVE THE QUESTIONS IN DIFFERENT ORDER, AND I WAS LIKE, “WHAT? I DON’T SPEAK CHINESE HAHAHA NO BUT FOR REAL MAN, PROFESSORS DON’T DO THAT SHIT.” ANYWAY I HAD ONE OF THE PLEDGES PULL SOME STRINGS AND HE GOT DEPORTED SO IT’S ALL GOOD.

MY GIRL REALLY WANTED TO EAT THIS SUSHI CRAP SO WE WALK IN AND SOME LITTLE CHINESE GUY SEATED US AND GAVE US MENUS BUT THAT SHIT WAS ALL IN CHINESE SO I JUST ASKED HIM TO BRING ME WHATEVER THEY HAD THAT WAS COOKED AND DIDN’T TASTE LIKE LOBSTER JIZZ. I DON’T TRUST UNDERCOOKED SHIT, BRO. MY BOY BIG NIG ATE JERKY ONE TIME AND HE WAS PUKING HIS FUCKING FACE OFF FOR HOURS AFTER. EVERYBODY SAYS HE WAS PUKING BECAUSE HE HAD NINE SHOTS OF JÄGER AND HALF A BOTTLE OF HENNESSY BUT NOBODY HANGS LIKE BIG NIG SO IT HAD TO BE THE JERKY FOR SURE. I REMEMBER ONE TIME AT A KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA FOAM PARTY THEY RAN OUT OF BOOZE SO BIG NIG STARTED MIXING RUBBING ALCOHOL, HAND SANITIZER, AND KOOL-AID. ALL THE KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA CHICKS HAD TO GET THEIR STOMACHS PUMPED AT THE HOSPITAL BUT BIG NIG STAYED STRONG LIKE THE ALPHA MOTHERFUCKER HE IS. ALL THOSE BITCHES PROBABLY HAD MORE JIZZ IN THEIR STOMACH THAN ALCOHOL HAHAHA JK BRO YOU KNOW I RESPECT BITCHES.

…HAHAHA JK BRO YOU KNOW I RESPECT BITCHES.

SO THE LITTLE CHINESE GUY BROUGHT ME SOME FISH, AND IT WAS SO COOKED IT HAD A DRUG PROBLEM. MY GIRLFRIEND NIBBLED ON HER RAW SHIT AND REGRETTED IT WHEN SHE TOOK A BITE OF MY TILAPIA. THAT SHIT WAS SO WELL-COOKED IT HAD CRISPY EDGES. THE SEASONING HAD THE PERFECT AMOUNT OF GARLIC AND SHIT. LEMME TELL YOU, I’VE EATEN A LOT OF FISH IN MY DAY (HAHAHA RIGHT BROS?) BUT I’VE NEVER HAD TILAPIA AS GOOD AS THAT. YOU CAN TAKE THAT SHIT TO THE BANK. I’M THINKING IT’S A GOOD PLACE TO GO WITH THE FRAT AFTER ONE OF OUR DRUNK KICKBALL GAMES. THEN WE CAN OSTRACIZE ALL THE FAGS WHO ORDER ANYTHING UNCOOKED HAHAHA.

I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT DECOR AND SHIT BUT I THOUGHT THE PLACE LOOKED PRETTY SOLID FOR A SUSHI JOINT. IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE A VIRGIN AMERICA JET WITH ALL THE TRANCE CLUB LIGHTING AND THE BLOND CHICKS TALKING SHIT TO EACH OTHER. IT’S REALLY NARROW SO IF WE THREW OUR NEXT MIXER THERE WE CAN’T REALLY DO KEG STANDS.

HEY BUT SERIOUS, THIS SHIT IS TIGHT, AND THAT’S SAYING A LOT SINCE I DON’T TRUST CHINESE PEOPLE.

• 5830 S Dixie Hwy
• South Miami, FL 33143
• (305) 665-6261
• akashisushi.com
• 

• 3252 NE 1st Ave Ste 107
• Miami, FL 33137
• (305) 424-9079
• sustainmiami.com

That’s why the Foxhole seemed like such a great idea. There’s no sign, so if that bitch from Ace of Base was rolling around telling you she saw the sign then you’d know she’s a lying cunt. It’s just a nondescript door in a South Beach alley. Hell, I didn’t even know the name until I had been there for a good hour. I don’t remember the exact address, all I remember was walking toward the Mondrian on West Ave and someone in our party suggested this was the place we needed to go to. He’s like, “it’s called the hfhdsfbbjqlbyrjriqplh” and I was like, “oh, cool.”

Lemme tell you, when you arrive and stand by the door, you start getting ideas of what’s inside. You’re thinking of a bunch of flappers and guys with mustaches so thin they make John Waters look like Burt Reynolds and Groucho Marx had a hairy-lipped baby called Otto von Bismarck. You’re expecting black people to have to use the side entrance. You’re wondering if your liquor will come from some Canadian dude’s bath tub and the Kennedy patriarch is in there slyly winking at everyone who orders a drink. Then when you enter, you’re like “what the fuck?” Just like everywhere else in Miami, it’s just a bunch of dudes prowling for snatch.

You’re expecting black people to have to use the side entrance.

The problem with setting up a theme is no one is going to fucking follow it. This place should be a speakeasy. The decor should reflect the Roaring Twenties. But no, instead it’s another typical South Beach bar with overpriced drinks and more cigarette smoke than an Italian nursery. Anyone remember the Boiler Room, the restaurant which was next to Transit Lounge? For the three of you who ever went there during its shitty short life, they had the decor that Foxhole should have. That latter-turn-of-the-century post-steampunk look. Maybe play some music of that time, you know?

On the particular night I was there I looked upstairs on the second floor and my girlfriend said, “I think you can see down girl’s shirts from there.” So I went upstairs. Her statement was accurate because it was 99.999999997% dudes up there. It was also accurate because I could see down her shirt through the cleavage gap. This is the one redeeming factor. Come on guys, make me say a password at the door or something. Anything.

They’ve got themselves a pool table, jukebox, and flat screen TVs. It’s got all the makings of a sports bar, but I doubt they bill themselves as such. Instead, they put up this exclusive front only to greet you with mediocrity. Kind of like Hakkasan. The whole thing seems kinda manly, and that’s fine, but tell everyone that.

• 1218 14th Ct
• Miami Beach, FL 33139
• (305) 534-3511
• foxholebar.com

“I want to have sex with you,” he said.

“I want you to put your penis in my vagina,” she responded. Her boobies looked really nice even though she had clothes on.

Bobby took off his shirt and folded it neatly on the table so he wouldn’t have to iron it when they were finished. He also took his pants and underwear off but he didn’t care about folding them. He left his socks on, because his feet get cold sometimes. Sandy took off her blouse and skirt and dropped them on the floor. She took her panties off and then her bra. Her boobies were so awesome. They were big and round and had much bigger nipples than most guys have. Her pussy was also super pink and it didn’t have any hair on it at all.

Sandy started to moan like if she was having sex, because they started to have sex. “Oooooh, yeah, do me,” she said. “I like the way you are with your sex,” cried Sandy as she did things with her boobs. Bobby was going for hours because he’s very experienced with sex and had done it with like a bazillion girls for real. He asked her to call him daddy and she did so, because Bobby knows how to please a lady.

Then after a few more hours they were finished and Sandy asked Bobby if she could cuddle, and Bobby agreed to considering he is such a tender lover. “May I tell my friends?” asked Sandy. Bobby also agreed to that. Then Bobby took it back and said, “baby, only if you let me do you again right now because I want to.” And so Sandy gave him three BJs.

During one of the BJs, Sandy asked Bobby if he would love her forever, and Bobby said, “no.” Sandy got sick and ran to the bathroom to vomit, because her stomach hurt from the pain she experienced by what Bobby said. Bobby ran to her with his boner and stood in the door of the bathroom while Sandy was puking in the toilet and said, “I won’t love you forever. I’ll love you five-ever.”

Then Sandy totally gave him more sex.

Epilogue

Seven months later Bobby was in the mall shopping for baby clothes at Baby Gap and he ran into Sandy. Sandy was like, “you said you would love me five-ever, but I haven’t seen you in seven months!” Bobby looked ashamed. “I’ve been too ashamed,” he said ashamedly. “I have something to tell you.”

“What?” asked Sandy.

“I have a baby,” he told her.

“What?! Who’s baby is it?” exclaimed Sandy.

“It’s yours,” he admitted.

“OMG I had no idea!” laughed Sandy.

Then Bobby and Sandy hugged and they bought baby clothes that were on sale and had more sex in the dressing room meant for babies and everyone lived happily ever after.

Or did they?

I figured it was about time I made my way here, because what sort of food critic would I be if I didn’t check this place out soon? Seeing as my sister and her husband were in town from San Francisco, I knew this would be the right time to pretend to know what the hell I’m talking about. I got us a res for Good Friday and I vowed to be a prolific eater that day. It started in the morning when I ate bacon, sausage, and ham. No, not with eggs and toast or any of that other pedestrian shit, I’m talking just straight up bacon, sausage, and ham. My morning pork intake was so high my Jewish neighbor got heartburn. For lunch I had pork tacos. Keep in mind that up to this point the only vegetable I consumed was the corn tortilla on those tacos.

Later in the day I hung out with my sister, her husband, and a couple of their friends at Segafredo’s on Lincoln. And ate prosciutto. Just blank fucking prosciutto. I don’t know if my goal was to tell Catholics to go fuck themselves or if I wanted to put my dusty health insurance card to work. I was putting the “go” in “gout”. Whatever, later that night we ended up at Yardbird and my appetite for meat was as big as Cee Lo’s hands are small.

OK, I’ll bite, what do Cee Lo’s hands look like?

I see you have a haaaard tiiiime shopping for soooome gloooooves.

When you walk in it doesn’t quite look “southern”, unless I’ve been severely mistaken in interpreting all the southern stereotypes I’ve heard over the years. It looks pretty chic and has an urban professional feel to it. When we sit down and I take a look at the menu I think to myself, “OH SHIT, SON, MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN AND WAFFLES!” and verbalize something a lot more subdued than that. “Why, this establishment has a fowl and morning cake repast. How quaint.” Psych, I totally just said, “I want that thing, fuck yeah.” What we ended up doing is just having everyone pick something out and sharing it amongst the table as it arrived. There were six of us, and as a Boy Writes Miami first, I’m going to attempt to recall everything we had with its correct name on their menu.

My morning pork intake was so high my Jewish neighbor got heartburn.

Mama’s Chicken Biscuits – These are little chicken biscuit sandwiches sort of like the ones Chick-fil-A serves for breakfast, except Yardhouse’s chicken biscuits didn’t make me piss molten sulfur out of my asshole.

Lil’ Bit of “Meat Loaf” – They put meatloaf in quotes, which scared the shit out of me. People do that when they’re condescendingly implying there’s more to something, like if I said, “I ‘liked’ this” or “Cee Lo Green has ‘hands’”. It ended up being a pretty decent dish, and what was in it? Pork, motherfuckers.

Roasted Baby Beet Salad – This is a salad for pussies and Russians. Besides corruption and vodka, commies over there in Russia love them some beets, and this salad has them. I guess if you’re into this shit you’ll enjoy it.

Butter Lettuce and Grilled Mango Salad – I wanna use the word “faggotry” to describe this dish and all salad dishes not containing meat, but that word is apparently pejorative. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation as there are plenty of flesh-eating homosexuals manlier than me out there, it’s just re-appropriation of a word that rolls off the tongue as smoothly as “cunt”.

Sweet Tea-Brined Southern Ribs – Back to pork. That’s what I’m talking about. This plate of slaughter and manliness was better than waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you still have 2 hours before you need to wake up for work, and the barbecue sauce had enough southern twang to make me hate black people (and myself, for that matter.)

Llewellyn’s Fine Fried Chicken – Look, Yardbird, your fried chicken is top-notch and your “chow chow waffle” was delectable enough to replace every office birthday cake in existence, but don’t you dare promise me chicken and waffles only to deliver some spicy-ass syrup instead of maple. Had I not dipped my pinky in there I would’ve poured that shit all over it like I was at Roscoe’s House of Chicken & Waffles and been utterly fucking livid over the fact that I just ruined my meal. The watermelon bits gave it a nice touch though. Throw in some grape drink next time.

Macaroni and Cheese – Flip‘s is better.

The verdict is pretty simple, though it may not sound like it. I’ll absolutely be going back. The egregious error with the lack of maple syrup notwithstanding, this shit was top notch and I even found the salads quite edible. If the chick from neMesis and the dude from Yardbird had a baby together… I’d probably eat it.

So, for the sake of keeping my cannibalism in check, please don’t fuck.

• 1600 Lenox Ave
• Miami Beach, FL 33139
• (305) 538-5220
• runchickenrun.com
• 

After Germany embarrassed itself in World War I and signed the Treaty of Versailles, they were forced to pay dividends to the victors, thus establishing their ho-like status in the Euro sphere. Naturally, this did not sit well with the populace. A rational human being would understand why they’re being punished when they caused the greatest, bloodiest war in the history of all mankind, but these aren’t rational human beings we’re talking about. These are Germans.

Wait, Germans are irrational?

Yes.

Dejected and pissed off, the German people were swayed by a man named Adolf Hitler. He came into power through treachery, deceit, and charisma. Pretty much how Hollywood works, except Nazis dressed better. That in itself is a long story which Oliver Stone can biopic using Josh Brolin as the sort of guy you’d probably find yourself sympathizing with because Oliver Stone is a shrewd gypsy wizard asshole. Let’s just say you wouldn’t expect a guy leading an armed group of men holding politicians hostage in a beer hall to ever end up leading the country. That would be stupid, but once again, Germany didn’t have their shit together at the time. The Weimar Republic was a clusterfuck hemorrhaging money and did nothing for the populace’s morale.

…but these aren’t rational human beings we’re talking about. These are Germans.

When Hitler took power, he changed all that. In addition to owing everybody rap video-like amounts of money (in today’s money, roughly $442 billion total), the Treaty of Versailles stipulated harsh sanctions on what Germany was allowed to do with their military. Pretend you and your neighborhood bully got into a fight. After a long battle where you guys swat at each other like praying mantises playing patty cake, the bully surrenders and you make him sign a contract where he agrees to rip off one of his arms, one of his legs, and only hops backwards for the next 50 years. Over time, that bully’s obviously gonna be pissed, and, I guess, sew his arm and leg back together somehow. I don’t know, it’s not a perfect analogy. That’s what happened with Germany, except when Hitler came along he wiped his ass with the treaty and started building up the military. The Germans can’t be fully blamed for letting Hitler amass the power he amassed. They were desperate beyond desperation and would’ve followed a weimaraner puppy with a German flag cape if it promised them glory and economic stability. In this particular case, they followed a one-nutted anti-Semite with a curious choice of facial decoration because he said all the right things.

Britain and France gave him a stern look, but ultimately did nothing to stop him. At this point Germany is producing more and more as Hitler continues to whisper sweet nothings in its ear. “Oh baby you’re so beautiful,” or “Hey, did you know it’s not really your fault you’re broke? It was totally the Jews who stabbed us in the back when we had World War I in the bag, but they decided that abandoning our reich [empire] would be a better idea.” or even, “Haven’t you noticed how Jews run global banking? Look at the Rothschild family!”

Where did Hitler get that idea?

1919 propaganda poster. That sentiment was spreading immediately after World War I.

The Jew-hating started long before that. Wilhelm II, the last German Emperor and mustache enthusiast wrote in a letter to Field Marshal August von Mackensen (the “Mack-daddy” of the German military, if you will) in 1919 after his abdication commenting on how he believed that Jews were a “nuisance that humanity must get rid of some way or other. I believe the best would be gas!” THAT SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. It’s like he’s Nostradamus, but only about that one single thing since he didn’t see the German loss or his abdication coming.

They were desperate beyond desperation and would’ve followed a weimaraner puppy with a German flag cape if it promised them glory and economic stability.

With all the German circlejerking going on thanks to Hitler’s positive reinforcement and the Allies failing to enforce the Treaty of Versailles, Germany was getting stronger by the minute.

Meanwhile, Mussolini is over in Italy giving them the same kind of bullshit rhetoric about how nationalism is awesome and Italians are the greatest shit ever. In 1935 they yet again invade Ethiopia to show the world how powerful they are by fighting against a poor African nation whose military might consists of a whopping three tanks and three planes. It’s like trying to show everyone how badass you are by challenging the deaf kid with cerebral palsy to a dance-off. Then you’ve got Japan over there in the east rubbing its dick against China’s sore asshole after China just finished fucking itself with the thick dildo of civil war. Japan figures it’s got it in the bag due to the thorough ass-whooping they gave China in the First Sino-Japanese War. In 1937, Japan invaded China. At this point, Germany, Italy, and Japan (among others) signed the Anti-Comintern Pact which basically reads “FUCK YOU, COMMIES” in large, bold print.

They signed that?

What’s funny is the Soviets at one point considered Germany their friends and were shocked when they backstabbed them.

Germany got cockier and cockier. They annexed Austria and Britain wagged its finger. Then they invaded Czechoslovakia and Britain shook their head and harrumphed. Italy continued its retard push by invading Albania, pretending it was an accomplishment of note. At this point, looking toward Poland, the Brits and French decided to form a super-duper pact guaranteeing support for Poland in case shit goes down. Japan was busy trying to invade the Soviet Union and getting checked at the line by a bunch of pissed off Reds.

In 1939, Germany tests Britain’s resolve by invading Poland. Britain and France decide they’ve had enough of Hitler’s shenanigans now that he’s made Germany into a military force to be reckoned with. People blame Neville Chamberlain for being so laissez-faire about the whole situation which ultimately got them to that point, but in his defense Hitler probably said some really, really nice things about his non-Jewishness. Two days later, Britain and France along with the Commonwealth nations (Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa within a week of each other) declare war on Germany. While they may have declared war, they did very little actual fighting to help the Poles. Then, the Soviet Union of Opportunistic Cocksuckers signed a cease-fire with Japan and joined in on the Polish attack. They got buddy-buddy with the Germans where the Germans were all, “Hey, guy, don’t worry, we’re bros!”

It’s like trying to show everyone how badass you are by challenging the deaf kid with cerebral palsy to a dance-off.

The Soviets started making demands of the Balkans and Finland kindly told them to go fuck themselves. This began the Winter War between the two, and ended with Finland having to give up some of their land.

In May 1940, Germany invaded France, the Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg. Their blitzkrieg (lightning war) tactics which consisted of the equivalent of getting into a fistfight with someone and throwing 29 bricks on their head before they even turned around proved very effective. Within days or weeks they conquered the Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg. France fortified the Manginot Line assuming that’s where the Germans would come from, but the crafty Germans entered through the Ardennes region with its hills and forests. The French thought it was impenetrable by tanks and shit. The Germans thought otherwise. Exactly one month later, Italy invaded France as well and declared war on both France and Britain. France surrendered 12 days after this, which is what has secured their place in the “hahahaha, cheese-eating surrender-monkeys!” lore to this day.

Let’s break off a moment and talk about the Brits for a second. The British were born of warfare. The Angles, the Saxons, the Vikings, the Pict, the Romans, the Celts, the Scots, the Welsh, the Jute, the Danes, what-have-you — those are people that have been fighting and fucking over that region for millennia. They’ve got the best war record in the world, and France holds the number two spot. A lot of it comes from the fact that historically Britain (notably England) and France have been fighting each other since the early middle ages. The Brits fight better than anyone, and they don’t back down from shit. It’s impressive, a testament to their history, and will make the following tidbit clear.

But aren’t they posh little dandies?

Don’t let the image of the dandy Brit deter you — they will fuck you up.

After France surrendered to Germany and Italy, Britain feared the French fleet in Algeria would end up a part of the Germany Navy. France promised them otherwise, but that wasn’t good enough for Britain. So they attacked it. They attacked their allies in order to make sure the enemy doesn’t acquire their materiel. If that’s not the biggest “Fuck you, we’ll do this shit ourselves” in the history of history, I don’t know what is. At this point in the war, it’s pretty much Britain and its small rag-tag team of Commonwealth nations against the world.

Germany began plans to attack Britain with an air raid campaign. During the Battle of Britain, outnumbered Britain kept a stiff upper lip and decisively won. The German Luftwaffe was good, but the British Royal Air Force was better. Meanwhile, Italy continued pretending to match German might by invading the small island nation of Malta, Somalia, and Egypt. Italy then tried a bigger player, Greece, and were quickly pushed out, because Italy is terrible at this shit. It’s hard to believe they’re the cock-spawn of Romans. The Brits got tired of Italy poking their territories with sticks so they attacked back and swiftly turned Italy into their bitches. Germany sighed and sent troops to Africa to help Italy with the mess they’ve created.

It’s hard to believe they’re the cock-spawn of Romans.

Not long after, Hitler decided it would be a good idea to invade the Soviets, because he was a power-hungry fuck. Stalin was all, “Dude, WTF, I thought we were friends?!” and switched sides like a disgruntled tranny. Germany gets very close to Moscow, but Hitler knew very little of Russian climate and didn’t anticipate how cold their winters were. At the cusp of a capital invasion, the Germans retreated. By now, there was no more blitzkrieg. All that remained were prolonged, strategic military campaigns and soon, Germans fighting to hold territory they already took over.

While all this shit was happening, Japan was on the other side of the world fucking shit up. They were killing more Asians than China’s one-child policy. They were taking European colonies left and right. And then they made the biggest mistake in the war, which was attacking the US Pacific Fleet at Pearl Harbor (among other targets in Thailand and Hong Kong.)

The USA maintained its neutrality, but they gave some cash and materiel to the Allies here and there, mostly because once again the English language was a great tool. The closest thing to a direct act of war was an embargo (not a blockade, an embargo) against Japan. Japan saw that as a threat and wanted to take care of it quickly before the US could retaliate. They were wrong, of course, and it led to the US entering the war and a formal declaration of war against Japan by Britain and the other Allies. With the US declaration of war against Japan, Germany wanted to play too, so they were like, “Hey guys, you got served!”

What did that look like?

It’s on, America.

Alright, now that the Americans are in the picture, let’s speed this up.

In 1942, Japan lost a lot of ground to the Americans in the Pacific, Germany thought it wise to wait until summer to restart their Soviet campaign and severely underestimated their defenses which led to a German defeat in 1943. The European front was mostly fought in the east since 1941 and Stalin hated that shit because he felt (rightly) that the Allies were sacrificing Soviet lives for that of Western lives. After much bitching, the Allies organized a huge offensive starting in France. This was known as D-Day. To not make it sound like America went all “fuck yeah!” in the war and single-gunnedly fixed everything, let’s point a few things out. The Canadians did a phenomenal job during D-Day at Normandy. Juno beach was better defended and they took them with less troops than the Americans. It was also the Canadians who liberated the Netherlands where Britain and the Americans failed to do so. And, as has been pointed out, Britain did an exemplary job of holding Germany at the line.

D-Day was an awesome offensive, one which had the Germans fooled as to where it would take place. The Nazis were severely outnumbered, something like 15:1. It was a thorough ass-romping by the Allies, and it set the stage for a sturdy western foothold. Soon, France is liberated. Slowly but surely, the war fronts are being pushed closer and closer to Germany in both directions.

In late 1944, the Germans tried for one last big hoorah in France. It failed and they gained nothing from it. In 1945 the Allies then began to push into Germany itself and soon captured the Reichstag, which is the same as someone capturing the US Capitol Building. Mussolini was hanged in Italy in late April, the Germans in Italy surrendered the next day, and the day after that Hitler committed suicide like a little bitch.

They were killing more Asians than China does with its one-child policy.

Japan was still a problem even though they were getting raped like they did to the Chinese and Koreans (although, in a much less literal sense) yet they refused to surrender. They had lost all their pacific territory and the Americans were closing in on the Japanese homeland. The US demanded unconditional surrender, and the Japanese probably used their fingers to open their eyes widely and said “Ooooo, look, me American, me make demands.” So the Americans dropped a couple of bombs they had been working on for a while. Even though both bombs combined killed less people than the Tokyo firebombings which had taken place earlier, it scared Japan into surrender.

This signaled the end of World War II. The discoveries after the war were not cool, like all the Chinese and Korean civilians the Japanese murdered and raped (maybe in that order, maybe not), and all the Jews, gays, and gypsies the Nazis enslaved and exterminated. It was seriously fucked up stuff. The Allies formed the United Nations and NATO, the latter of which the Soviets were not a part of and instead created their own little club called the Warsaw Pact. Spoiler alert: NATO is still around while the Warsaw Pact isn’t, so America is clearly awesomer.