Category Archives: Reviews

La Lupita: Real Mexican Tacos Leave a comment Read more »

La Lupita: Real Mexican Tacos

[post_intro] [/post_intro] I often forget to buy groceries so I end up improvising on what to make for dinner. I remember this one time I made macaroni and cheese, except the only thing close to macaroni I had was angel hair pasta. And the only…

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Yard House Leave a comment Read more »

Yard House

[post_intro] [/post_intro] I remember the first time I set foot in the Yard House since it was scarier than watching my grandmother eat a banana. I’ve seen Japanese subways with less people inside them. I’ve also seen women in Japanese pornography with less people and…

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Shake Shack 2 Comments Read more »

Shake Shack

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Found this place after banging some tranny hooker in my rape van parked on Lenox and 18th. (S)he was all, “ay papi, let’s go get some burgers.” I was like, “bitch, please, you already had some meat in your mouth! OH!” That’s how…

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Spris Pizzeria Leave a comment Read more »

Spris Pizzeria

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Every time I eat at Spris, I grow a brand new pube. This is my favorite pizza. That’s no exaggeration, my friends, it’s my favorite pizza in the world. I don’t know if the oil they use contains traces of heroin and Sofia…

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Chop House Miami Leave a comment Read more »

Chop House Miami

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Given the name, the Chop House is one of those places you wouldn’t expect to cost you the amount of money Bill Gates made in 1998 while flossing. It’s got that down-to-earth everyman’s name similar to Joe’s Stone Crab — yet another spot…

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Bardot Leave a comment Read more »

Bardot

[post_intro] [/post_intro] “Bardot” is a French word meaning the hybrid of a male horse and a female donkey. Is it relevant to what Bardot is all about? Yes. Bardot is full of dudes with long faces, and female asses; how they knew the name would…

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China Grill Leave a comment Read more »

China Grill

This was the very first Asian cuisine review I wrote after Yelp axed my Benihana story. [post_intro] [/post_intro] I’m going to have to be very careful in how I review this place, because the last Asian place I reviewed got me a stern letter from…

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Red Koi Thai & Sushi Lounge Leave a comment Read more »

Red Koi Thai & Sushi Lounge

[post_intro] [/post_intro] I’ve only been to Red Koi once and it wasn’t by choice. I assumed it was the Japanese equivalent to Red Lobster since it seems to follow the Red + aquatic animal formula. It’s a good thing I was wrong, because I maintain…

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Benihana 3 Comments Read more »

Benihana

This was my first of many banned reviews on Yelp. [post_intro] [/post_intro] If someone said to you, “hey ________, want to go eat food prepared right in front of your face by some Asian dude that performs a one-man food-rerated Cirque du Soreir act with…

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Chuck E. Cheese’s 3 Comments Read more »

Chuck E. Cheese’s

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Have you ever wondered if your child inherited the awful gambling addiction gene your uncle Rob unfortunately possesses thanks to some Mesopotamian dickhead ancestor that settled every argument with a game of dice? If that’s the sort of thing that keeps you up…

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