Category Archives: Restaurants

El Vato Tequila and Taco Bar 3 Comments Read more »

El Vato Tequila and Taco Bar

If there’s a fast food joint which serves your specialty, your choice of dishes will never be considered high class. Tell me, doubter, have you ever seen a Burger King selling caviar? A Checkers advertising a porterhouse? A Sonic’s claiming to have edible food? Of…

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Le Boudoir 3 Comments Read more »

Le Boudoir

French people these days get a bad rap, more than likely because they’re French. Even so, they’re still the undisputed kitchen champs. Americans call them “cheese-eating surrender monkeys”, but it goes to show you even their disparaging nicknames revolve around their culinary prowess. As you…

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Delicias de España 3 Comments Read more »

Delicias de España

The one time I came here I left with a bad taste in my mouth, and it wasn’t even from the food. I’ve never gone back since and probably never will. Not because the place was bad, but because it’s located in Westchester. Why the…

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Restaurante Monserrate 4 Comments Read more »

Restaurante Monserrate

Colombians know how to do three things: titties, cocaine, and food. Notice how I didn’t put soccer in there? Yeah, I went there, motherfuckers. The three-thing-rule goes for every country, but Latin American countries mostly have food as one of them so it limits our…

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Fado Irish Pub 6 Comments Read more »

Fado Irish Pub

Someone decided Brickell doesn’t have enough Irish pubs. The proprietors of Fado thought, “Waxy’s, Brickell Irish, Finnegan’s, and the one they’re working on in the Axis building aren’t enough. These people DEMAND shitty bar food and watered-down drinks.” Thank you for that, you goddamn luminaries.…

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Mario the Baker 7 Comments Read more »

Mario the Baker

One of the most pathetic things I’ve done involves Mario the Baker as an indirect cause, and it just happened earlier this morning. It’s not a very pretty day out there. Last night, as is typical of most Mondays for me, I didn’t feel like…

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Villagio Leave a comment Read more »

Villagio

I think when a place is too pristine I get a little anxious. The Village of Merrick Park during the day is a perfect example of that, and I feel it needs some hoodrats and annoying middle school skateboarders to make me feel at ease.…

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Panera Bread 3 Comments Read more »

Panera Bread

There are four guarantees in life: Death, taxes, Jeremy Piven having a hair transplant, and Panera Bread being so amazing it’ll make you ignore the lie that is Jeremy Piven’s increasing hairline. For fuck’s sake he played a character playing George Costanza on Seinfeld! What,…

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Jimmy'z Kitchen 2 Comments Read more »

Jimmy’z Kitchen

Aside from their glaring deficiencies with the English language judging by their inability to grasp possessiveness rules, Jimmy’z Kitchen knows how to put down an acceptable meal. It’s kind of like Chat Roulette except not as much penis. I’m on South Beach with a friend…

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Tapas y Tintos Midtown 1 Comment Read more »

Tapas y Tintos Midtown

You know how you love your child but sometimes you want to murder it and frame the murder on your high school counselor because she didn’t accept your sexual advances? Me neither. You know how you love your child but sometimes you want to murder…

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