Category Archives: Restaurants

Sweetness Bakeshop & Cafe 3 Comments Read more »

Sweetness Bakeshop & Cafe

The fourteenth most important thing you should know about me is that I absolutely lose my shit when sweet things are involved. I love sweets so much I could’ve been easily molested by a balding man in a cardigan as a kid if only I…

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The Capital Grille 3 Comments Read more »

The Capital Grille

I’ve been busy as shit lately but since Miami Spice has rolled around it’s a requirement for every citizen to make time. When I say “every citizen” I don’t mean “every US citizen” since that only applies to, like, 18 people in Miami. I just…

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Pollo Tropical 3 Comments Read more »

Pollo Tropical

Let’s slum it for a second so I can tell you all about how Pollo Tropical is man’s best asset besides opposable thumbs. One could pose a strong argument for La Granja being superior, but allow me to explain why Pollo Tropical would be one…

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Rincon Escondido Leave a comment Read more »

Rincon Escondido

“Spanish” is one of those words overused by morons when they actually mean to say “Hispanic”. It pisses me off. It’s like calling an American “English” because that’s the language they speak. English people are English, Spanish people are Spanish. This is a Spanish restaurant.…

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A La Folie Cafe Leave a comment Read more »

A La Folie Cafe

What is it about French people that made them so good with cuisine? Seriously, they’re the best on the planet. A Middle Easterner could look at a typical French dish and be like, “I want to put that in my face” in whatever phlegmy language…

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Eating House Miami 1 Comment Read more »

Eating House Miami

We came here for my girlfriend’s birthday dinner and found my little sister’s doppelganger. That was pretty awesome and I’ll get to that. I wasn’t sure where to take my girlfriend, but we were doing bar trivia earlier in the week and two people simultaneously…

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A Frat Bro Reviews Akashi 2 Comments Read more »

A Frat Bro Reviews Akashi

FUCKING CHINESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, AND SUSHI SEEMS LIKE ONE OF THEM. I HATE THAT SUSHI SHIT BECAUSE IT TASTES LIKE RANCID CHOCH, BUT MY GIRL LOVES IT MORE THAN SHE LOVES ME SKEET SHOOTING. HAHAHA SKEET SHOOTING BRO GET IT?…

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Sustain Leave a comment Read more »

Sustain

Now that Sustain is closing its doors, I figured I would give my thoughts on the matter.

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Yardbird Southern Table & Bar 5 Comments Read more »

Yardbird Southern Table & Bar

If Yardbird had a dick, Miami would be sucking it. I knew only three things coming into this place: People don’t shut the fuck up about how amazing this place is supposed to be, the head chef was the guy from Gigi’s, and Cee Lo…

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Morgan's Restaurant 3 Comments Read more »

Morgan’s Restaurant

My little sister is an undiagnosed alcoholic. I don’t know how one diagnoses that sort of bullshit “disease” (it’s not a disease, you just fucking drink too much) but I’m willing to bet she’s got the virus that causes it. The thing about alcoholism is…

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