Category Archives: Restaurants

In-N-Out Burger Miami 2 Comments Read more »

In-N-Out Burger Miami

When I first heard about In-N-Out opening in Miami, I quickly navigated over to weather.com and searched for “Hialeah, FL” to see if Hell had frozen over. It was 68 degrees, so for Miami standards it might as well have. I don’t personally know of…

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Machiya Leave a comment Read more »

Machiya

The Shops at Midtown is like Dubai, and everything surrounding it is like the Middle East shithole surrounding Dubai. I’m still shocked at how quickly that place went from muggable to slightly-less-muggable in such a short period of time. A bunch of restaurants have been…

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Quarterman's Ice Cream Parlor Leave a comment Read more »

Quarterman’s Ice Cream Parlor

If I had a kid, I would sit him on top of my shoulders and take him to Quarterman’s for some old-fashioned ice cream. I would also scar the kid psychologically by playing a bunch of practical jokes that’ll leave him forever afraid of benign…

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Buffalo Wild Wings Leave a comment Read more »

Buffalo Wild Wings

I propose they rename this place to “BuffalOK, I Guess, Wings” because they’re not that fucking good. They have a lot of variety, sure, but there’s like fourteen different types of herpes and none of them are good either, so whatever. You want proof that…

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Texas de Brazil Leave a comment Read more »

Texas de Brazil

Buffets are the most goddamn American things since electric guitars and indigenous genocide. Sure, it’s a french word, but so is entrepreneur, as in, “Look at that entrepreneur.” And so is découpage, as in, “What the fuck is découpage?” I hear this place is like…

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Bulldog Barbecue 1 Comment Read more »

Bulldog Barbecue

Barbecue sauce is a condiment I can put on just about everything that fits in my mouth. Having barbecue doesn’t necessarily imply that everything will be slathered in barbecue sauce, but it gives me hope. Hope that at least 70% of the shit on the…

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Blue Collar 13 Comments Read more »

Blue Collar

Move over, every other restaurant I’ve ever been to, because Blue Collar is here to put some goddamn hair on my chest. If you can find the place nestled on the corner of a fuck motel with an “I hope I don’t get towed” parking…

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Naked Pizza Leave a comment Read more »

Naked Pizza

When considering eating healthy food, one of the last things you think of is pizza, right behind dynamite covered in sandpaper. That’s what a normal person’s reaction is. The folks who created Naked Pizza tend to think a little more differently, however. Naked Pizza is…

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Oceanaire Seafood Room 8 Comments Read more »

Oceanaire Seafood Room

Last night, I went to the Oceanaire and felt a bit like a Beverly Hillbilly. Look, I’m no stranger to fine dining, but every time a waiter says, “Pardon my reach” I start wondering why no one at Chili’s ever said that shit to me…

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The Original Big Tomato Pizza 1 Comment Read more »

The Original Big Tomato Pizza

I generally like my pizzas about as thin as the plot to any Michael Bay movie. When the argument over New York style versus Chicago style comes up, lines are drawn and allegiances form, thus defining who I’m going to hate and who I’m going…

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