Category Archives: Bars

Foxhole 1 Comment Read more »

Foxhole

If I could go back to the twenties and not be hanged or disenfranchised for being an outspoken minority with future technology, I would totally go grab a drink or two with some flat-chested hookers at a speakeasy. That’s why the Foxhole seemed like such…

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Sports Grill 5 Comments Read more »

Sports Grill

Chicken wings are to men what naked pillow fights and pretending you’re inserting a penis in you when you don a tampon are to women; they’re essential. The beer and wings combo is second only to beer and pizza in the “holy shit I can…

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Elwoods Gastro Pub 3 Comments Read more »

Elwoods Gastro Pub

This place is run by the most British-looking bloke I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s like a mix of a Beatle and early 20th century imperialism. I’ve never spoken to the man because I’m afraid of him turning out to be some Cubanaso that’s…

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Blue Martini Brickell 5 Comments Read more »

Blue Martini Brickell

A few years ago, Blue Martini signed a contract with Zoo Miami allowing their excess cougars free reign to hang out. It seems that over the years this agreement has yet to change. Blue Martini consistently looks like a casting call for Desperate Housewives and…

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The Pub at Pembroke Leave a comment Read more »

The Pub at Pembroke

[post_intro] [/post_intro] If I lived in the suburbs I’d demand more places like The Pub so I can drink until I forget I live in the suburbs. Who am I kidding, I’d drink no matter where I lived. I love the hooch. I love the…

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Andalus Leave a comment Read more »

Andalus

[post_intro] [/post_intro] This is like the Doral of midtown lounges; full of Venezuelans. And also other varieties of South Americans. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m just preparing you if you don’t like fake tits and an overuse of the word “pana.” First…

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Mondrian South Beach Leave a comment Read more »

Mondrian South Beach

[post_intro] [/post_intro] South Beach hotels, along with brothels and used car dealerships, are places where you know with unequivocal certainty that there are some people being fucked at any given moment in time. …there are some people being fucked at any given moment in time.…

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Waxy O'Connor's Leave a comment Read more »

Waxy O’Connor’s

[post_intro] [/post_intro] STALKER ALERT: I live right above this bar, so it’s strange that I still haven’t written about it. Oh, I know why that is, it’s because there’s absolutely nothing special about it. I would hit it like Chris Brown. If I had to…

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Delano 1 Comment Read more »

Delano

[post_intro] [/post_intro] Miami Beach is well-known for its “boots ‘n cats ‘n” clubs. By the way, if you don’t know what I mean by that, say “boots ‘n cats ‘n” repeatedly. Congratulations, you just beatboxed what a club on South Beach sounds like. Boots ‘n…

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A Frat Bro Reviews Sunset Tavern 1 Comment Read more »

A Frat Bro Reviews Sunset Tavern

[post_intro] [/post_intro] THIS IS IT, BRAH, MY FAV HANGOUT SPOT WITH ALL MY BROS AND A FEW OF MY HOS. I GET FUCKING WASTED HERE AT LEAST TWO TIMES A WEEK AND THEN WAKE UP WITHOUT REMEMBERING WHAT MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IS. WE USED…

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