Author Archives: Orlando

Blue Collar 13 Comments Read more »

Blue Collar

Move over, every other restaurant I’ve ever been to, because Blue Collar is here to put some goddamn hair on my chest. If you can find the place nestled on the corner of a fuck motel with an “I hope I don’t get towed” parking…

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Mr. Ganache Chocolatier Leave a comment Read more »

Mr. Ganache Chocolatier

Mr. Ganache is the closest thing to Willy Wonka we’ll ever have. No, he’s not a sociopath who nonchalantly disposes of children using candy, subterfuge, and midgets, he’s just a little French dude who likes making chocolate and chocolate-based shit. And all that shit is…

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Naked Pizza Leave a comment Read more »

Naked Pizza

When considering eating healthy food, one of the last things you think of is pizza, right behind dynamite covered in sandpaper. That’s what a normal person’s reaction is. The folks who created Naked Pizza tend to think a little more differently, however. Naked Pizza is…

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Oceanaire Seafood Room 8 Comments Read more »

Oceanaire Seafood Room

Last night, I went to the Oceanaire and felt a bit like a Beverly Hillbilly. Look, I’m no stranger to fine dining, but every time a waiter says, “Pardon my reach” I start wondering why no one at Chili’s ever said that shit to me…

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Michael Bay Is One of the Greatest Filmmakers of All Time 7 Comments Read more »

Michael Bay Is One of the Greatest Filmmakers of All Time

No, that’s not one of my typical ridiculous titles designed to elicit a click, I really do think that. I wasn’t always subscribed to that belief, but after thinking about it recently I came to the conclusion that yes, he is in fact one of…

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The Original Big Tomato Pizza 1 Comment Read more »

The Original Big Tomato Pizza

I generally like my pizzas about as thin as the plot to any Michael Bay movie. When the argument over New York style versus Chicago style comes up, lines are drawn and allegiances form, thus defining who I’m going to hate and who I’m going…

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Election Tweets: The Funny, Dramatic, and Others Leave a comment Read more »

Election Tweets: The Funny, Dramatic, and Others

As everyone knows, Obama half-stepped into this piece once more last night by becoming the first black president to be re-elected in the US. That’s kind of a bullshitty statistic, like how baseball keeps track of shit like, “the only player to hit a home…

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Voting in Downtown: AKA Why Rick Scott Can Suck My Balls 2 Comments Read more »

Voting in Downtown: AKA Why Rick Scott Can Suck My Balls

So last night we reelected Barack Obama. I hope it doesn’t piss you off as a reader to know that I’m happy about that, because if it does then you’ve clearly never read my shit. While I was in line for FOUR-AND-A-HALF FUCKING HOURS yesterday…

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Miami Metro Rail Orange Line 1 Comment Read more »

Miami Metro Rail Orange Line

Besides the importance of county-wide bike lanes on every street so those annoying motherfucking asshole piece-of-shit dickhead entitled fucktard cunt faces riding bikes using roads yet blatantly disobeying road signs on those roads can have a place to ride, I’ve maintained that a rail line…

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Action Town Paint Ball 2 Comments Read more »

Action Town Paint Ball

I got shot in Hialeah. That’s a factually accurate sentence, by the way. Recently, someone told me to go to hell, and that’s how I ended up in Hialeah. So I got shot with a paintball. I had never been paintballing before and figured it…

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