Author Archives: Orlando

Machiya Leave a comment Read more »

Machiya

The Shops at Midtown is like Dubai, and everything surrounding it is like the Middle East shithole surrounding Dubai. I’m still shocked at how quickly that place went from muggable to slightly-less-muggable in such a short period of time. A bunch of restaurants have been…

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Quarterman's Ice Cream Parlor Leave a comment Read more »

Quarterman’s Ice Cream Parlor

If I had a kid, I would sit him on top of my shoulders and take him to Quarterman’s for some old-fashioned ice cream. I would also scar the kid psychologically by playing a bunch of practical jokes that’ll leave him forever afraid of benign…

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Buffalo Wild Wings Leave a comment Read more »

Buffalo Wild Wings

I propose they rename this place to “BuffalOK, I Guess, Wings” because they’re not that fucking good. They have a lot of variety, sure, but there’s like fourteen different types of herpes and none of them are good either, so whatever. You want proof that…

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Texas de Brazil Leave a comment Read more »

Texas de Brazil

Buffets are the most goddamn American things since electric guitars and indigenous genocide. Sure, it’s a french word, but so is entrepreneur, as in, “Look at that entrepreneur.” And so is découpage, as in, “What the fuck is découpage?” I hear this place is like…

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Short Story: The Last Words Leave a comment Read more »

Short Story: The Last Words

As Sam stood over his late father’s home-office desk, his father’s last words echoed through his mind. “My laptop… protected folder… ‘To Sam’… password… ‘145t14uGH’.” While Sam booted up his father’s computer, he recalled all the good times he and his father had. All the…

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Short Story: Birds and Bees 2 Comments Read more »

Short Story: Birds and Bees

“Mommy,” Quentin said, “Where do babies come from?” “Shit,” Kate said, muttering to herself. She looked around her immediate area for her husband. “We should ask daddy!” “OK!” Quentin held his mother’s hand and dragged her along, from room to room, looking for his father.…

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Bulldog Barbecue 1 Comment Read more »

Bulldog Barbecue

Barbecue sauce is a condiment I can put on just about everything that fits in my mouth. Having barbecue doesn’t necessarily imply that everything will be slathered in barbecue sauce, but it gives me hope. Hope that at least 70% of the shit on the…

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Get the Damn Book on Paperback Leave a comment Read more »

Get the Damn Book on Paperback

Do you hate convenient technology? Well, you’re in luck, because my book is now available on the more expensive paperback format for all to enjoy! Buy a copy for your coffee table. Buy a copy for your guest bathroom. Buy a copy to put it…

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My Book Is Now Available 2 Comments Read more »

My Book Is Now Available

Today is the day. You can now buy my book, and if you have Amazon Prime you can borrow it on your Kindle for free. It’s also DRM-free, so if you decide to share it I won’t get mad at you for dipping into my…

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My First Book Will Be On Sale Next Week Leave a comment Read more »

My First Book Will Be On Sale Next Week

If you’re not privy to it yet, allow me to fill you in. Next week, as early as Monday, my book Stop Being a F***ing Idiot will be available on the Kindle store. Not long after, the paperback edition will be available. Nook users, you’ll…

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