Methods of Madness.

QWho are you?

A
My name is Orlando “Winters”, I’m 30 years old, I’ve lived in Miami for about 24 of those years, and I like to write completely ridiculous reviews. I also write for the Miami New Times along with its Cultist and Crossfade blogs. One time a priest called me an “asshole.”

QWhat is this?

A
The title of this page is a tad misleading. I don’t only write about my experiences in this “wonderful” city called Miami. There is a lot going on here. However, you will find many reviews of various venues in the South Florida region.

QWhy are you doing this?

A
Writing is just a hobby of mine, but recently people have started paying me for it because they’re fucking nuts. Yelp isn’t a fan of my use of colorful words like “cunt”, “motherfucker”, “bitch-tits”, and “Asian” so I figured I should start my own little place to write reviews. I still maintain a profile there, but here is where I do the bulk of my storyviewing. That’s a portmanteau of “story” and “review.” I make up words often.

QWhy don’t you rate things?

A
Because fuck you, that’s why.

QWould you be willing to take bribes?

A
FUCK YES.

QWhat else?

A
I don’t know. Below is a photo of Scarlet Johansson cleaning a refrigerator.

People That Love Me

Some Priest

Orlando is an asshole.

The VaticanSome Priest

Miranda

Your friends know when you're being funny, but the millions of people who read reviews on Yelp don't.

Yelp HQMiranda

Payden

...[your review] falls outside our Review Guidelines because it is not relevant.

Yelp HQPayden

Alma

...eviews [sic] aren't the place for rants about matters that don't address the core of the normal customer experience.


Miranda

...[your review] contains inappropriate content.

Yelp HQMiranda

Ariana

...[your review] contains inappropriate content.

Yelp HQAriana