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The Miamian’s Guide to Zika

As you’re probably already aware, Miami has received annoying, bloodsucking assholes from Brazil. And more recently, they’ve sent over mosquitoes as well. Zika fever has been an ongoing problem in Asia, Africa, and South/Caribbean America, but has recently become a real problem now that white women are at risk.

Little is known about the long-term effects and risks of Zika, but we’re learning a lot as time goes by. In this article, we’ll go over the things we know and how we can use this information as Miamians.

How Zika is transmitted

Scientists have confirmed that there are a few ways to contract Zika. These include:

  • Going to Wynwood.
  • Having sex with anyone who frequents Wynwood.
  • Going to South Beach.
  • Having sex with anyone who frequents South Beach.
  • Being bitten by a mosquito.
  • Having sex with a mosquito who frequents Wynwood or South Beach.

Avoiding Wynwood and South Beach is a surefire way to prevent Zika for the time being. 30-somethings who are “tired of that shit already” will have a much easier time with that technique. However, that strategy will only work for maybe another week, because Miami hates condoms more than it loves cocaine, and I bet that as I write this some Miami Millionaire from Brickell is disappointing his Tinder date with aggressive sex after their Coyo Taco date. Not to get ahead of myself here, but somebody’s getting a little head, and it’s not Brickell bro.

What’s the primary vector of Zika?

Typical Wynwood dude; sorry

Sorry to put you on blast, but you won the “let me Google ‘Wynwood hipster'” lottery.

The symptoms of Zika

Zika symptoms are usually so mild you’d actually have to lie to take a day off work. 30 squats, eating Taco Bell, or reading pro-Trump wall posts will have you feeling shittier than Zika would. A sizable number of infected people will have no symptoms at all.

Zika fever … has recently become a real problem now that white women are at risk.

There is, of course, the small minority of the infected who get something called Guillan-Barr√© syndrome. GBS is a shitty disorder of the nervous system that will either make you weak or kill you. GBS is bad for anyone, but it’s especially bad for many Miamians because without the ability to work out, they’ll look fat and nobody will respect them at all because ew, gross, they don’t have a six-pack.

For those who do contract Zika and experience symptoms, it’s usually just a fever, red eyes, joint pain, headache, and a rash. Not to be confused with Chikungunya’s symptoms, which are fever, joint pain, headache, and a rash. Or dengue fever which is fever, joint pain, headache, and a rash. Or West Nile virus which is fever, joint pain, headache, and a rash. I did check Web MD and found that those symptoms could also indicate cancer, so be aware that having even one of those symptoms could mean you’re going to die of cancer.

Zika and pregnant women

Pregnant women should avoid being pregnant while on Zika. Pregnant women with Zika risk transmitting their disease to their fetus, which could end up with microcephaly, a condition that makes a baby’s head as tiny as an orange, with a brain as useless as a vote for Gary Johnson.

If you’re not pregnant but are considering becoming pregnant, the CDC advises that you wait a little longer before doing so. In fact, they’ve already sent out a memorandum to your parents explaining why they still don’t have any grandkids, and they CC’d your grandmother as well.

Expected prognosis

If you have already been infected with Zika and you haven’t been inseminated by a guy you’re statistically likely to divorce later on, you’ll be fine in a week. Yes, there has been some preliminary indications that Zika may cause brain damage in adults making you more likely to support Donald Trump this November, but the science is still young on that.

On the other hand, if you are pregnant, and you do contract Zika, and you do give birth to a baby with microcephaly, there aren’t really many jokes I can make about that. Except that joke I made earlier about getting a little head.

Enjoy your summer.

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