Miami’s wage gap is bigger than the ass implants of its most vain citizens, everybody knows that. Housing is generally not affordable. We outrank Detroit, AKA “We Can’t Even Afford an AKA”, as the worst place to live. We have Zika. That last one isn’t relevant, I just wanted to remind you in case somehow you forgot about that shit.
But even with all that, luxury cars litter our streets. The 836-826 interchange was paid for exclusively with a 10% tax on two weekends of bottle service. New condos are being erected as if Brickell’s soil were fertilized with Viagra and not the remains of the Tequesta Indians. What could possibly explain this disparity in narratives?
What does a Miami Millionaire look like?
Miami has a number of millionaires, and even a number of billionaires. I’m not going to show you how to become a millionaire; you don’t have the skills, ambition, or luck to get to that level, and my portfolio consists of Beanie Babies (they’ll be back, you’ll see.) Instead, I’m going to show you how to become a Miami Millionaire.
Before we get started, you must meet a few prerequisites:
- Live in Miami
- Don’t give a shit about retirement funds
That’s pretty much it. Let’s begin.
Assess your finances
When looking through their finances trying to figure out what they can and cannot buy, normal people usually ask themselves, “can I afford this and be able to pay my rent/mortgage, utilities, food, and put some money away in savings?” But you’re not normal. Instead, follow this flowchart.
If you only have one credit card, you’re already at a disadvantage. Miami Millionaires need at least 10 credit cards, and a total credit line of at least your annual income is essential. Whenever you’re checking out at a department store and the cashier asks, “would you like to open a Whatever Card and save 10% today” your new answer will be, “yes, my social security number is…” not because you want to save 10%, that’s for poor people, but because you need to make sure your credit limit will be high enough to afford better things than your coworkers.
Put everything on credit
You don’t put in more than minimum effort at work, so why pay more and end up with less money at the end of your pay period?
Cash is for drug dealers, immigrants, and strippers. Millionaires pay for everything with credit cards. The most baller thing you could do is whip out your American Express Centurion card, in its black metal glory, and drop it within view of everyone around you. It moistens more vaginas than a heavy period, but unfortunately you need to be an actual millionaire to even be considered for one of those. Lucky for you, there’s Luxury Card®, made specifically for Miami Millionaires. It’s literally just a regular credit card with a pretentious facade. Get that card. If you have an underage sibling, get that shit in their name too so you have a spare once you hit the credit limit.
And for fuck’s sake, don’t pay more than the minimum on your credit card. You don’t put in more than minimum effort at work, so why pay more and end up with less money at the end of your pay period?
Get a luxury car
You’ve got your Luxury Card®, now you need a luxury car to go along with it. The pickings are slim in this category, because you’re limited to either a BMW, Mercedes, or Lexus. Most go for the BMW, the Honda Civic of Miami Millionaires, but I think you can get a little more bang for your buck with a Mercedes. Get a used one, but tell everyone it was “technically used, but not really, it was in a garage the whole time.” If you have shitty credit, don’t let that stop you, just go to one of those no credit check places and eat the 25% APR like it doesn’t matter (it doesn’t, you’re a Miami Millionaire.)
If you’re not paying at least $600 on your car and insurance every month, you’re fucking poor and nobody will respect you. Get a better car. Get a better life.
Buy expensive things
You can’t go around telling everyone you have a lot of money, that’s tacky. But at the same time, you can’t live in Miami and have people thinking you’re just a sad statistic without any real assets. Sounds like a Catch-22. The solution is expensive shit. Your car will do a great job during those moments when you’re getting out of it in the parking lot at Starbucks, but what about the other 23 hours, 59 minutes, 55 seconds of the day? That’s where your Louis Vuitton purse, Tag Heuer watch, and Bvlgari sunglasses come in.
What other expensive shit is there?
Don’t limit yourself to things you need. The foundation of the American spirit is build upon competition, so if an acquaintance spends $700 on a phone, it’s your goddamn duty to spend $800 on the one with the curved edges.
Don’t worry about your house
Get whatever shitty one bedroom apartment/efficiency you can find, because you only really use it to relax, eat, fuck, shit, bathe, sleep, and store your expensive things. Nobody can see you front in your own home, so who cares?
If you follow this guide, I guarantee you’ll be a Miami Millionaire.