Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Rent & Roll (Madrid)

My girlfriend and I casually decided to visit Spain one day, because we have credit cards and a high threshold for financial anguish.

Madrid would take up the first leg in our trip, and when looking for things to do, Parque del Retiro was up there along with “I don’t know, just, like, see the city and stuff?” I figured there were two ways to best pull this off. One was requisitioning the services of a slave with a rickshaw, but to my surprise, I was told Spain stopped that practice two centuries ago. The other option was renting a bike.

I like to ride bikes, but at the same time I don’t, because my nuts always regret it after. I would ride bikes more often if the seating situation were more agreeable with my testicles. It would be cool if I could get a bike with a more comfortable chair, maybe something that straddles my butt. Something with leather. Ideally, this seat would have arm rests too. And it would be nice if there could be a seat next to me, so my girlfriend could ride along with me, and her chair should be as comfortable. It gets hot in Madrid, so maybe enclose the chair in a frame of some sort, but make sure it has transparent glass windows so we can still see the scenery. You can’t really have an enclosed frame without air conditioning though, so throw that in there, along with a radio for entertainment. Pedaling gets a bit tiring after a while, so what about a combustion engine that’ll do the work for me? That would be awesome.

I Googled where to find bike rentals, and Rent & Roll was the closest to the park, right next to a metro station just a couple of stops from my hotel. I was under the impression that we needed our passports to rent the bike, but an American driver’s license works just fine. I mean, it could just be because it’s an American one, and the dude was in awe of the power of my freedom card, so I don’t know if, like, a Guatemalan or Sri Lankan ID have the same sort of cachet as my liberty badge. Since I didn’t know that at the time, we ended up riding around with our passports, but luckily none of those damn gypsies got their hands on our stuff, mostly because we were riding around peering at people, asking, “wait a minute… are you a gypsy?”

The bikes themselves were in great condition, and as I said, they were only mildly irritating on my testicles. I remember the first time I went mountain biking (Miami has some menacing “mountains”) I ended up with a vasectomy. However, this rental wasn’t that bad, it was more like getting a consultation for a vasectomy and walking away with a brochure, you know?

…they were only mildly irritating on my testicles.

The dude we got the bikes from was also cool. I don’t remember his name, because this was weeks ago and I’m rude. I’ll just call him Antonio, because he looks like a Spanish Tony Parker. He was great, he gave us a great recommendation for a place to have dinner that didn’t have any annoying tourists. He directed us to a spot where you order cider and they give you a bottle, a glass, and a bucket. A BUCKET. How cool is that? Rent & Roll gets 5 green circles for Antonio alone.

So where the hell is it?
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