Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

“I Wanna Marry Harry” is so terrible, people don’t even make fun of it.

When looking for quality television, scoping out the reality genre is like asking 2 Chainz to double check the grammar in your research paper. You should already know that reality TV is stupid as fuck just by the name. Why? Well, pick one of two reasons:

1) Reality gets boring. That’s why humans watch TV and/or partake in drugs, so we can escape our reality and focus on something that isn’t as mind-numbing as just being alive while your cells replicate so you can do the same damn thing tomorrow.

2) Reality TV isn’t really reality, because in my reality I’m not put in a house with a bunch of loudmouthed assholes I don’t know. That’s the reality for some people, I guess, namely prisoners and frat houses, but those are only interesting to watch if you’re cool with Neanderthals who are seriously into “no homo” dick play.

With that said, I’ve been guilty of catching a few episodes of various reality TV shows. In fact, I watched the entire season of an awful show called The Player, which was UPN’s answer to WWII’s “The Holocaust”. In it, thirteen guys shamed themselves in front of a woman who doesn’t even list that shit in her TV credits on Wikipedia. If I were on an episode of Fear Factor drinking horse cum I would’ve told everyone, including my second grade teacher Mrs. Kidnapping (I don’t remember her real last name, I just call her that because I associate her with something terrible), but this Dawn chick didn’t tell anyone. That goes to show how bad The Player was. It’s the only show in history where the guy who won was the first dude eliminated.

Can you find any clips to show how bad it is?

This is literally the only thing I could find.

Last weekend, Hulu bamboozled me into something. My girlfriend and I were looking for something to watch, and I saw this:

I Wanna Marry Harry is stupid

It’s a show titled I Wanna Marry Harry. I immediately guessed what the plot was. If your guess is, “it’s like the Bachelor, except they’re lied to and told that the bachelor guy is Prince Harry,” then you’re on the right track. And of course it’s produced by FOX, who brought us gems like Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, where we watched a hookercontestant marry a “multi-millionaire” whose money came in handy so much she had to pose for Playboy to make ends meet. FOX doesn’t surprise me anymore. That’s why I’m, um, surprised any of those contestants fell for this shit.

So, obviously, I watched the first episode. Dana was on board, though she regretted it and yelled at me for wasting her time after the episode was over. But the whole idea that these girls (some of them, at least, since I hope for humanity’s sake not all were fooled) thought it was really Prince Harry is insane to me, so I decided to write some clues that should’ve immediately put that idea to rest.

There are some dead giveaways

To be fair, the guy they chose looks a lot like Harry.

How much?

He looks like Harry

A lot. They’re both white.

But even so, they could’ve cloned the motherfucker and it still shouldn’t fool any of those girls. Here are some reasons why:

These girls.

What about them?

He looks like Harry

They’re a tad too ethnic for the crown’s tastes.

Those are four of the twelve contestants. Those are all beautiful ladies, to be sure, but the only way any of them would be allowed in House Windsor is if they’re cleaning it. The Queen’s ancestors invented white people, and something about all that pomp and circumstance the Crown exudes tells me they may “like” non-noble non-whites, but only in the same way they “liked” all those colored people we watched them subjugate on color televisions.

You could argue that there’s a precedent for high nobility marrying commoners, and you’d be right. Edward VIII gave up his throne to marry an American. But she was white. And not a reality show contestant.

That dude’s accent.

I’m by no means an expert linguist, and I probably can’t tell the difference between a London and a Manchester accent, but I can at least tell when an accent is fancy. This dude’s accent isn’t fancy. I had a server at Bennigan’s who sounded more royal than this guy, and he was Australian.

But the biggest reason of all…

WHY THE FUCK WOULD THE ROYAL FAMILY ALLOW IT?

Who in their right mind, regardless of the amount of mounting “evidence” during the show (mind you, the producers never actually refer to him as Prince Harry, or even Harry, they just do everything possible to make it seem like he is) would think that the most prestigious family on the planet would take the guy fourth in line to the UK’s throne and put him on a reality show where the ultimate outcome is marriage? Yeah, that makes sense.

Imagine looking through a genealogical list of the royals and their spouses, and seeing, “His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales, and his wife, Meghan Jones, winner of I Wanna Marry Harry“.

So is this show bullshit?

I don’t know if the girls are completely out of the loop or if they’re in on it to some capacity (they are now, since filming concluded months ago), but the “I think that’s Prince Harry” chatter in the first episode was very convincing. If they’re not all fooled, at least some of them are, which is absolutely insane to me.

Hey FOX, I have an idea for you. A show called Green Card Bachelor where a bunch of illegal immigrants fight to marry a line cook at P.F. Chang’s for a green card. The tag line can be “Find That Special Anybody”. You’re welcome, assholes.

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1 Comment to “I Wanna Marry Harry” is so terrible, people don’t even make fun of it.

  1. heygirlheyyy

    LMAO. this is too good. I love the idea of “Green Card Bachelor!”

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