Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.


Politics, even in the most indirect of ways, tends to shit all over everything. I use Groupon like a poor person, and I treat it like a good way to discover restaurants I normally wouldn’t think of visiting. That’s what happened this time.

I found a pretty decent Groupon: an appetizer, two entrees, and two cocktails for $45 at a restaurant with a 4.5-star Yelp rating. That’s a pretty solid rating, and I’ve never been let down by a place with such rave reviews, so it’s a no-brainer. That was in February. Fast forward a couple of months, and we’re finally making our way there when we look again to Yelp for directions.


Immediately I started running through scenarios that could cause a place to drop from 4.5 stars to 3 in a matter of months. These were the most plausible scenarios I could come up with:

1. Cockroaches, rats, British cooks, or other unwanted lifeforms in the kitchen.
2. The manager touched literally every guest inappropriately.
3. Obama.

Neither of those were it, obviously, because they’re absurd. But the last one, “Obama”, isn’t even that far off the mark. Why? Because the truth of the matter is this restaurant’s ratings dropped due to politics. POLITICS! It turns out I didn’t anticipate how bitchy Venezuelans could be. As the story goes, the owner of Zielo is the nephew of Luisa Estella Morales, someone I stopped giving a shit about after three sentences because her Wikipedia article was written in Spanish. They’re seething with rage because this guy shares 25% of his DNA with some politician they don’t like. How fucking dare he, right?

Listen, this guy doesn’t strike me as a commie. You don’t charge $26 for risotto if you’re all about the proletariat. You also don’t live in Miami (where it’s as risky as a transvestite living in Birmingham, Alabama), or open up a fucking restaurant where your target demographic would hate you if you actually were a commie. That’s like a skinhead moving to Harlem and opening up a hair salon. This isn’t Joseph Kony running a Chuck E. Cheese franchise, this is a guy whose aunt happens to be a judge.

Has he given any indication that he’s pro-Chavez

Only that free bread is given away.

So, as far as I know, he’s not some underground sleeper cell working diligently to communistize Miami on behalf of his aunt. You don’t see Jews boycotting Mercedes (quite the contrary) because Daimler AG made Nazimobiles and designed gas chambers. And no, it’s not because the name “Mercedes” throws them off thinking it’s named after some Hollywood producer’s Mexican housekeeper. “That’s because the people who did that don’t have anything to do with Mercedes-Benz today,” you think to yourself. I know, I guess I shouldn’t hold someone liable for something they’re tenuously connected to just because I feel like bitching about something and use knee-jerk reactions to do so rather than employ critical thinking for a few seconds. I’m such a stupid asshole.

That’s like a skinhead moving to Harlem and opening up a hair salon.

The food itself was great. It’s a Mediterranean-Latin-seafood fusion style. As an appetizer we had the crab cake and bacon-wrapped dates. The crab cake was on a bed of avocado, and we left no trace of either of those components by the time we were done with it. The dates were sick too. If someone told me I had to eat the flayed flesh of swine, curdled goat’s milk and enzymes, and tree sperm I’d think this was a challenge on Survivor, but it was amazing. As an entree I had some ravioli and Dana had the grouper. Or, rather, I had ravioli and 3/4 of Dana’s grouper, which had a side of mashed sweet plantain with what I could swear tasted like honey. We didn’t have a dessert because we’re doing some 30-day no added sugar thing. Why? Because we’re experimenting with masochism to see if it’s a “thing” either of us have.

Communist bullshit rumors aside, all of the food exceeded our expectations, and it would’ve been even better if we didn’t have to share most of what was on our plate with everyone else at the restaurant. Overall, though, A+.

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