Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Complaint Letter to Domino’s

Hi Domino’s,

I’ve been eating healthy lately. As you reach a certain age, you begin to think about things like mortgages and the certainty of death. You also think about what kind of shitty food you should avoid eating just so a decade or two later you don’t need to pop a bunch of pills every day to keep your heart from exploding.

But every once in a while, I just need some of that shitty food.

I know where you’re going with this…

Yup.

My girlfriend is along for the health ride too, but sometimes her cravings are so fierce, I memorized all of my credit card numbers to shorten the time it takes to order her your chocolate lava cakes. I just think your pizzas are great, and you trounce your competitors with ease. Pizza Hut is like the Chek Cola to your Coca Cola; the Spirit Airlines to your Emirates Air; the Checker’s to literally any other place that serves food.

Last night, we ordered your sinful feast: pizza, parmesan bites, and chocolate lava cake. I call it “The Trifatta”. It’s supposed to be a play on “trifecta”, but it’s not very good. I can’t think well right now. After all, I’m still recovering from the shitty food I ate. Normally, we get a pizza at an acceptable temperature, but today, you let us down.

You let us down hard, Domino’s.

When the deliveryman arrived, my eyes lit up like a crackhead’s eyes light up when they spot some chunks of Romano cheese a few feet away. And, like the crackhead, I was thoroughly disappointed upon further inspection.

Is it crack or Romano cheese?

“Crack or Romano?” is a legitimate game I created and feel pretty good about its chances of becoming a household name. I’ve already been in touch with Hasbro about it, and they were very, very interested in pursuing a restraining order against me.

That pizza was so cold, you might as well have told Coors Light to advertise it for you. I’ll cut you some slack on the grounds that it was thin crust, and since the thin crust has a much lower density it loses its heat quicker, but this fucking thing was so cold, it caused the cold front sweeping through Miami right now. It’s 54 degrees out. It was, like, 80 two days ago. You guys are assholes.

My girlfriend’s parmesan bites were probably good, I don’t know, I didn’t get to try them. I was off reheating the pizza, and by the time I was able to give them a try she had already inhaled them all. I mean, I get it, because she’s been eating like an impoverished rabbit lately. Still, I really wanted some of those bites. Now I’ll have to wait until another one of those days where we don’t care about our bodies so I can eat them.

Once I was finally able to eat the pizza (it took a while to heat, since it was so fucking cold), I couldn’t enjoy it because for some reason I kept thinking of Ned Stark’s beheading.

I demand three things from you in order to retain my business:

1) Don’t do it again.

2) Acknowledge, in public or private, that Pizza Hut tastes like Papa John’s owner’s attitude toward his employees.

3) Guarantee Joffrey’s death will be entertaining. I’m not spoiling anything here, you all know he needs to die.

If you do these things, I will continue ordering from you when I want garbage food. If you don’t, I’ll still order from you guys, but I’ll complain about it and make sarcastic comments throughout the entire ordering process. Don’t let me down.

Your biggest fan,
Orlando Winters

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1 Comment to Complaint Letter to Domino’s

  1. California Summers

    So,

    Is this signed by an actual person named “Orlando Winters?” Or is this a complaint letter written by Winters (the season) in Orlando (the physical place)?

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