The Internet is weird. For some of you, the terms “Goatse”, “Tub Girl”, and “Lemon Party” mean nothing. For others, I’ve hit a few triggers and you’re currently in the fetal position asking the world to make it stop, to make the pain go away.
The first time I saw Goatse was about a day after I saw my first pair of boobs on the Internet. Seeing tits, I thought the Internet was a wonderful place where [wet] dreams are born and anything is possible. Then I saw Goatse and thought, “Fuck. Anything is possible.” That day, after forcefully learning about the elasticity of human tissue, I knew the world was full of strange characters.
But enough about the gross shit. I want to talk about some of the weird and stupid websites you’ll find on the Internet today. I’m not talking stupid like newrepublic.com or TMZ.com, I’m talking about shit like omfgdogs.com. In no particular order, I’ve selected nine that, while dumb as shit, have either made me laugh for one reason or another, or seriously made me WTF.
I Love You Like A Fat Lady Loves Apples
iloveyoulikeafatladylovesapples.com – Sound needed
The first thing I thought was that some fucking pretentious French guy made this. It’s just the vibe I got. I clicked the heart on the bottom right of the screen and it turns out the dude’s name is Geoffrey Lillemon. Lillemon. So I was right. I mean, his bio says he’s American, but the “He was Invite d’Honneur at the Centre Pompidou” line makes me think I was at least on the right track. Then I visited his website at geoffreylillemon.com and… yeah.
Anyway, the website just has some odd-looking fat lady that you use your mouse to control. I use “control” very loosely, because all you’re able to do is pick up apples and make her eat them. Repeatedly. Occasionally, someone stabs her in the back and apples fall out, and if an apple is too far away, a leg will come out and kick the apple toward her. Then there’s the soundtrack, which sounds like four kittens playing with yarn on a grand piano while a deaf guy cleans a violin with sandpaper. I’m sure there’s some sort of existential “point” being made by this interactive art piece, but I fail to see it. Apparently, I just don’t get art.
kanyezone.com – Sound needed
Last year, Kanye West and Jay-Z collaborated on a song together (because it’s impossible for artists to appear on the radio in a song by themselves these days) titled “Niggas in Paris”. I’ve never really paid attention to the lyrics, so I can only assume by the title that the song is about a couple of newly-emancipated slaves traveling to France for the first time, probably solving crimes and getting into all sorts of comical hijinks while dodging racial slurs and annoying-ass French people who make weird art. The only thing I DO know is how at some point Kanye demands you not let him into his zone.
So somebody made a game about it.
In this little game, your goal is to keep Kanye from getting into his zone. There are definitely stupider websites out there, but something about watching Kanye’s face explode into money signs provides me with a sense of calm.
Do you have a Facebook profile? Of course you do. Whenever you post anything at all, do you think to yourself, “God, I hope nobody likes this shit. I can’t STAND when people like my contributions to the world.” No, of course not. Nobody thinks that. Everyone wants to be liked, which is why social media exists to begin with. You post a photo of you dog, and you want people to be like, “OMG that’s such a cute doggy.” You retell a joke you read on an obscure blog, and you expect a bunch of, “LOL YOU’RE SO FUNNY” replies. You post a picture of yourself at the gym, and if the reaction is anything less than at least one person masturbating to your picture (you’ll have to take this one on faith, because only the bold/perverse will tell you) you feel like a failure.
Well, this site cuts out the bullshit. Everybody just wants likes. Instead of bothering to post anything like-worthy, this guy just asks you to like his contribution about wanting a like. It’s quite meta, and at 152,171 likes so far, it’s pretty damn successful. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fucking stupid, but at least it’s honest.
Patience is a Virtue
After about five seconds on the site, you’ll think, “Ha ha, very funny, nothing happens. I’ll wait here forever with no change.” Believe it or not, you’d be wrong. There actually IS a payoff at the end. Whether or not it’s worth it is something else entirely. This site is just a psychological mindfuck that tests the limits of human patience.
Well, it’s not really the limits. It’s just 30 minutes. I’ve waited in line for Taco Bell at 3 AM for longer than that, and the payoff was an itchy asshole the next morning.
zombo.com – Sound needed
This site made me laugh the most. Apparently, the guy who created it did so over a decade ago when Flash was a new technology. Remember those websites you’d go to that had a long-ass loading animation before you got to any actual content? Kind of like dating. You’d put up with a long-winded introduction about shit you don’t care about, then finally you’re let in, and if it sucked, you wasted all that time. Eventually websites started to add the “Skip Intro…” link at the bottom, which is like the slutty girls who put out after an hour or two of chattering at a club. That’s what this is parodying.
I’ve never gotten mad enough to want to slap someone in the face with an eel before. In elementary school I threw frogs at girls, but that sprung from lust rather than hatred. An eel, though? Never. But hearing about this website I was absolutely interested in watching someone slap another person with an eel, so I visited. Not only did I get to see it happen, but I got to make it happen.
At eelslap.com, you control the eel. You control the slap. The speed. The replay. It’s so fucking stupid.
staggeringbeauty.com – Sound needed
Seizure warning. If you’re prone to epileptic seizures, I very much recommend staying the hell away from that site. For some reason, a human being decided this needed to exist on the Internet, so they made it happen. My eye started twitching a little bit when I saw it, so I’m not sure if I should be getting checked out or if I’ve been eating too many bananas.
You see, because potassium can… you know what, never mind, it’s not important.
Ducks are the Best
ducksarethebest.com – Sound needed
Every time I loaded the page, I saw another retarded-ass duck-related pun in the title bar. “DUCK JOKES ARE FOWL”. “THEY SHOULD HAVE DUCKTORS INSTEAD OF VETS”. “WHAT DO YOU CALL A THIEVING DUCK? A ROBBER DUCK”. “DUCKS QUACK ME UP”. It goes on. The music also changes, so I’d say visit it a few times since you have nothing better to do. Shut the fuck up, no you don’t, you’re reading this dumb ass blog entry, and you’ve gotten this far into it. Even I don’t reread my entries, which is why I miss a lot of tpyos.
If you’ve ever wanted to have a dog but can’t deal with the responsibility of not letting a living thing die, this web site is for you.
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