Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Chinois Chinois & Baklava Factory

No, that’s not the name of the restaurant, I’m just reviewing two restaurants at once. Right, it’s surprising. That’s how I felt last night when I walked in with a Groupon expecting to eat some Chinese food and instead ended up eating kebab. Because it makes sense.

First, I want to praise Allah for Mediterranean food. Sure, most dishes may have difficult-to-pronounce and/or goofy sounding names, like “fattoush”, “falafel”, and “rice”, but the stuff is delicious. I’ve ordered delivery from Baklava Factory, and let me tell you, it doesn’t do it justice. Their delivery is just OK, but in person it’s something else. Can I go back a second and point out that “fattoush” sounds like “fat douche”? No? Well, fuck you, I did it anyway.

As I said in my intro, last night my girlfriend and I wanted to eat someone else’s cooking, and we had a Groupon that had been sitting there for what seems like decades. When we pulled up to Chinois Chinois and sat down, we were handed the menu. Dana opened it up and was like, “Uh, are we at the right place?” I didn’t know what she meant until I looked at my own menu and saw all these words that when read aloud sound like noises you make when clearing your throat. That’s in stark contrast to the sort of words I was expecting, the kind that when read aloud sound like you dropped a pan down a flight of stairs. I was confused, so I looked around and saw a bunch of Asian shit. Yup, we’re at the right place. It turns out, there’s like a shared kitchen or something.

While Chinese food is good, Mediterranean stuff is better. When our server told us we could order from both places with impunity, I told China to go fuck itself. My girlfriend had sushi. Sushi at a Chinese+Mediterranean restaurant. I was told they were out of the chicken and waffles and the kangaroo sliders (fuck you, I don’t know what Australians eat) so I went with the Turkish beef kebab along with a chicken kebab.

We started off with falafels. If you don’t know what a falafel is, it’s just fried chickpeas. Then I had some hummus. If you don’t what hummus is, it’s just mashed chickpeas. Then I also had some walahalem. If you don’t know what walahalem is, it’s just something I made up to test your pretentiousness.

First, I want to praise Allah for Mediterranean food.

By the way, all their meats are halal, which is extremely important to me, I think. I can never get my KFC halal, because they sacrifice their chickens in the name of the Colonel. So, you know, big points for Baklava here.

My girlfriend ate her sushi, but spent a lot of time picking at my rice. She really loved the place, and I gotta agree with her sentiment. The fact that my girlfriend could be in the mood for sushi (which I hate) and I could end up eating shawarma is something I consider a huge benefit. More restaurants should embrace this Walmart approach for my benefit.

If “the terrorists win” means it becomes a requirement for every restaurant to double as a Mediterranean food joint, then maybe we should rethink this war.


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