Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Why Does Africa Suck So Much Ass?

Over the years, I’ve gotten into discussions with people about Africa, and why it’s a shithole. My interest in the topic comes from the fact that I’m working on a book that aims to distill human history into a vulgar explanation any layman can get into (don’t expect it any time soon, there’s another book I’m working on which comes first.) I’m not a professional historian by any means. I’m just a guy who likes bad words and has a serious hobby interest in what our species has accomplished.

What gets on my nerves most is how a certain subset of people will point to Africa and say, “See? Africa is proof that black people can’t get shit right.” No, that’s not it at all. If anything, it’s proof that powerful white people are assholes.

The Gist of It

Alright, let’s say you live in a big neighborhood with a bunch of different ethnic groups. You don’t get along with all of your neighbors, but that’s fine, because they’re in their general property and you’re in yours. Occasionally you clash and get into a fistfight, but when you’re done you just go home and Instagram photos of what you’re having for dinner, or whatever.

Then, one day, some assholes show up and start spray-painting lines all over the neighborhood. You go up to one of these guys.

“Excuse me, but what the fuck are you doing?” you ask.

“Oh, this? We’re just partitioning off these lands,” he says.

“But… these are our lands. We’re inhabiting them. Can’t you see?”

“LOL. Fuck off, savage. We had a meeting in Berlin and decided on how to divvy up all this nice territory. You guys don’t have defined borders, so we’re here to define them.”

After being shoved away by a stronger guy than you with more weapons, you back down and do as you’re told.

These guys go ahead and start building infrastructure, they add a government, and they start taking parts of your yard and give them away to people of their race who just moved in. They built a nice supermarket.

You’re going with a supermarket?

It illustrates the point pretty well, I think.

So you go there to get some groceries, and you run into one of your neighbors you hate. You guys get into a fight, and you go home bloodied. The next day, you go up to one of those new people.

“Hey man, I appreciate the supermarket, but why is that prick I hate allowed in there?”

“Because he lives in this jurisdiction, so he can go there to shop.”

“But… I hate that guy. He talked some shit about me on Twitter once.”

“Too bad. He can shop there.”

So you deal with it, because the new people have laser weapons and you don’t. Every time you see that guy you hate at the supermarket, you try to avoid him, but it usually ends up in a fight, and it only makes you two angrier that you have to deal with each other.

A few weeks later, the brother of the guy you hate ends up being assistant manager at the supermarket. He sees you walk in.

“Hey faggot, get out of here,” he says, assuming you like men.

“This is the only supermarket in town, and I live here, so I’m going to use it.”

“Fine, but you can only buy Fruity Rings and not Froot Loops.”

“WHAT?! That’s insane, everyone knows Fruity Rings taste like used anal beads. I refuse. I want my Froot Loops.”

“Too bad.”

Why is he such a dick?

Serious issues demand serious considerations.

You go to one of the new guys and tell him what’s happening, and the new guy with the awesome laser weapons tells you he doesn’t care, that it’s not his problem, and that the assistant manager can make up whatever rules he wants.

Eventually, the original inhabitants of your neighborhood manage to oust the new people (or they decided to leave for whatever reason.) Awesome! But the lines they painted around your neighborhood are still there, and still enforced. Why? Because other neighborhoods will only accept you and trade with you if you’re an incorporated neighborhood. That’s just the way the world works now.

You still have to shop at the supermarket where the guy you hate’s brother is assistant manager. You go there, and you find out that the guy is now the manager, because the old manager was one of the new people who left back to their neighborhood. The new manager appointed all his friends into positions of power in the supermarket.

“That’s unfair!” you say to no one in particular. “I’m going to gather up people who hate this guy, and I’m going to lead a revolution!”

So you do, and then you’re shooting each other back and forth trying to gain control of that fucking supermarket. Maybe you win, but if you do, you just end up running a store where a large group of people who hate each other shop, and maybe you end up guilty of favoring people like you and persecuting the others. Those people were never meant to shop at the same store, because some people like vegan things and really hate animal-derived products and the consumers of such products.

Those new people left you in a shitty situation because:

1) They created arbitrary borders without regard to local tensions.

2) In some places, they gave power to locals who hated/were hated by other locals and it caused friction.

3) They left abruptly, leaving them with decaying infrastructure, many times a governance void, and entered into a global paradigm they were never exposed to before in an era they were thrust into.

The Aftermath

It’s only been 40-50 years since white power left Africa after thoroughly shitting all over it. Arguably, they haven’t really “left”, in the sense that you get a lot of powerful industry types raping the land for its value (DeBeers, I’m looking at you) and leveraging the old adage of “absolute power corrupts absolutely” by putting warlords and presidents in their pockets.

Ethnic tensions are nowhere near resolved, and the problems are exacerbated by the fact that the populace is generally uneducated. Why are they uneducated? Is it because they’re black? No, it’s because how the hell are you going to get educated when your government doesn’t give a shit about educating you?

When the Europeans left, they left behind a “new world” where the inhabitants only knew the way of the “old world”. And it wasn’t gradual; it was sudden. It’s like being a lifelong washing machine repairman, and being given a whip, a chair, and being told “You’re a fucking lion tamer now,” before being thrown in a cage with 15 hungry-ass lions.

Is That It?

This was a very simplified explanation of a very complicated problem that isn’t fully understood yet.

There are various other theories floating about, and they all mostly center around the fact that Europeans going in there and fucking shit up is the prevailing reason why Africa blows.

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8 Comments to Why Does Africa Suck So Much Ass?

  1. Sarah

    But where does Forest Whitaker and/or James McAvoy come into play?

    • kyle

      “But… I hate that guy. He talked some shit about me on Twitter once.”
      that’s totally a reason to shoot someone.

      • kyle

        attitudes like this, & low IQ, are the reasons why Africa is such a shithole

  2. It’s a pity you wrote such a long article based on an initial premise which is…. entirely false.

    Africa BEFORE colonialism was also a shithole….

    It was not a flourishing metropolis of democracy and advance technology.

    It was a shithole.

  3. bobby brown

    The entire world has been exposed to colonialism..that’s a bad overused excuse.

    -English tried to take over China in the 1800s

    -Japan invaded China in 1900s

    -Germany invaded Poland France and Russia during WWII

    Greed and violence is part of human nature. The African continent just hasn’t persevered as much as other continents.

    There has been world powers for every race except black. Persian empire, greeks, romans, Chinese dynasties, India.

    It’s probably a genetic thing

  4. SchopenhauerPauer

    I think we are too caught in hindsight of how it actually played out. I mean, africa had over 5000 ethnopolitical units, on average 3 independent clans per language. An ENTIRE continent of fuckin Liechtensteins (which is funny cuz dark continent=inverse of shining stone). SOMEBODY was going to invade! The Arabs regularly harvested for slaevs-antebellum usa was soon Zanzibar’s biggest customer! If Africans kept their political fragmentation (I still hold that the Balkans were Africanized) and outmoded technology they would have gotten rolled over by SOMEONE! Moreover, they have had the worst reaction to a conquered past, especially one so short lived. If there was anything to build on, the euros had not enough time to destroy it-they were too busy building their own stuff>and THAT’S what, er, contemporary (trying to avoid “modern” here) African nations run on.

    You know, according to Jared Diamond, ‘cavemen’ may be a misnomer, as the caves may merely have preserved signs of use that got eroded in the open, where nevrertheless the bulk of campsites are theorised to have been. That’s Africa’s dilema. 90% of what their ancestors did is lost in the mists, or entirely worthless (harmfu leven!). The remaining 10% is being generous, and including chickenshit trinkets like navajo blankets or whatever for tourists. So the only stuff about Africa worth reporting is large herds, the big 5, hominid fossils, and strange, savage nomads. For those who have to live here, that 10% is supposed to contribute to the functioning of a modern society, but of course it can only spawn complexes and reactionary traction. I don’t know why Africa is so awful, I like to think the poor, depleted laterite soils, the expanse of desert, the tropical diseases, the lack of navigable rivers etc might have something to do with it. But even granted that, the best you can say about their ancestors is that they were underachievers basically. Give them another 30 years and see if they can make anything of this country, or will retarded population growth (which is technicallythe opposite of retarded) and budding chinese neocolonialism take the day?!

  5. You watched a few condescending comics and feel like you embody that dark sense of humor with liberal intellectualism, we get it.
    Please stop pandering to the left wing masses by blaming the fubar condition of the entire continent of Africa on “the white man” because it’s a card that’s been played over and over and that hand is getting old.
    do everyone and I mean every living person on the face earth by not writing a book or any material for that matter.

  6. Jeff Wing

    I feel like i just watched a vice documentary about this topic. No information, extreme left wing bias, and a few swear words to make you feel like this is a relatable young adult talking to me.

    Please, and I mean PLEASE, do not write a book. Writing, thinking, formulating a piece of literature is something that takes time and patience. With whatever shit you spout you’ll just eschew another couple dozen conspiracy theories amongst other radicals. At best release it on your google docs to a couple of your peers.

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