Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Complaint Letter to Target

My girlfriend made the mistake of buying Target-brand sealable freezer bags. I’ve forgiven her, and now we’re back together, but I decided to write a letter to Target about it. This is what I sent them.

Hey Target,

Recently, my girlfriend suggested we go to your Midtown Miami store (AKA “The One That Never Has Shopping Carts Available in the Front”) to pick up some essentials. One of those essentials happened to be your up&up brand quart-sized 40-count freezer bags. I almost insisted on Ziploc, but then I thought, “It’s just a bag made of polyvinyl chloride. They’re probably the exact same thing.” Of course, I was wrong. It’s the same train of thought as, “They’re just sacks of meat and water, so Kate Upton and Dustin Diamond from the hit show Saved by the Bell probably look exactly the same.”

Target, I trusted you. Your product proudly states it’s made in the U.S.A., and as a red-blooded American citizen I want that sort of craftsmanship in my freezing products. Yeah, fine, I’m a “naturalized” citizen, but so what? I’d argue it makes me more American, because I had to work for it. Plus, technically, it would make you an unnaturalized citizen, which doesn’t have a good connotation to it. I love America so much I abandoned my own home for it. Have you ever abandoned your own home? No, of course not. I Wikipedia’d you, and you only have stores in the U.S. and Canada. Canada doesn’t count. Everyone knows if we really wanted Canada, we could just take it. War of 1812, my ass.

And how do you repay my trust, Target? By selling me a defective product. If I wanted a defective product, I’d use Apple Maps.

Have you ever set aside a bag of ground beef to thaw in water? I’ll assume yes, because you’re not completely useless, and thus not a vegetarian. Have you ever returned to your bag of meat and found out the bag had a hole in one of the corners, so the bag was now full of soggy-ass meat? I did. It ruined my entire minute. I figured it was a one-off, so I let it slide. Then it happened again. And again. And one time it didn’t happen, and I rejoiced, but then I saw the Ziploc logo on the bottom corner. As it turns out, that thing had been in my freezer so long we’ve already come up with the technology to revive it.

Those bags had holes in them, Target. Every single one. If they were up&up brand condoms, I’d be siring a child or two right now, and my girlfriend’s body would be wrecked. Is that what you’re trying to do? Wreck my girlfriend’s body? It would make sense, since you sell snacks and maternity clothing. Nice little racket, Target, real American of you.

Or, what if it was up&up brand toilet paper? I don’t play around with my butthole. You hear me? DON’T PLAY WITH MY BUTTHOLE, TARGET.

With that said, we love shopping at Target. It’s like Walmart for middle class people. Or Big Lots for literate people. But I don’t think we’ll be buying any more up&up brand stuff in the future unless you send me back a personal guarantee that this will never (or at least “probably not”—I’m rational) happen again.

One last thing. Did you hear Walmart is opening up a store, like, two blocks from your Midtown Miami location? A lot of locals are pissed about that. I’m not saying you should sabotage Walmart, but you should sabotage Walmart.

Your biggest fan,
Orlando Winters

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