Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Laser Quest

Shooting little kids in the back (with lasers, chill the hell out, Michael Moore) is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It sounds easy enough, in theory, but when you’re stuck in a room that looks like either a crazy acid trip or Andy Dick’s sex dungeon, most of the hunting tends to go the other way around.

Before you start, “Hahaha, look at Barney Stinson over here,” stop. Fucking stop. I hate how it’s impossible to like laser tag without someone making a stupid-ass How I Met Your Mother reference as if laser tag were some obscure hipster activity performed illegally in an underground Russian warehouse. No, I didn’t “suit up”. It wasn’t “legendary”. Shut the fuck up.

Laser tag is fun as hell. It’s like paintball without all the physical pain, gear, and shot accuracy. If you’ve never had the pleasure of playing, I’ll run it down for you. Once you’ve paid The Man™, you head on in to a staging area where an employee enthusiastically lists a bunch of rules you’re about to shit all over, stuff like: no running, no crouching, no swearing, no having fun, etc. I found myself discretely giving the finger to the 16-year-old girl just doing her job explaining the rules for our safety. Fuck the police! When you know all the rules, you move onto the next room to put your gear on. It’s just a vest and a weapon. After that, you’re led into the battlefield (which remind me of Ultra, but with better music), and if you have epilepsy, that’s the point where you start convulsing and wishing you weren’t stupid enough to play laser tag with epilepsy. That’s when you shoot children and hip check them against a wall a few times to remind them who came out of a vagina a longer time ago.

What’s it like?

Look at this guy. He oozes “cool”.

It was a group of about 11 of us adults celebrating my girlfriend’s birthday. When we finished the first round, our cocky asses figured for sure we destroyed everyone.

Then we looked at the scoreboard.

It turns out, little kids are way better than adults at laser tag. First off, they use psychological warfare on you, which is fucked up. You know what it is to be running around, minding your own business trying to murder people, when you get a clear shot on some little fucker who then proceeds to shout “HEY, YOU’RE CHEATING! CHEATER!! CHEATER!!” from the top of his lungs for no goddamn reason at all? You have to argue the charge, obviously. So you say something back. “Shut up, kid, I shot you fair and square.” Then you realize you’re standing in a dark room with lots of chaos going on, it’s tough to recognize faces, and you’re pretty sure if you elbow this kid in the mouth you can get away with it because that corner you’re in has no witnesses. But while you’re thinking all that, like 5 more little kids shoot you.

It’s like paintball without all the physical pain, gear, and shot accuracy.

With that said, it’s still a lot of fun. Sure, it’s a little weird if you go there by yourself, but if you’ve got some friends you can show up with it’ll be a lot less creepy. The amount of fun you’ll have shooting all those little child soldiers is unprecedented. There’s a lot of space in the war room, and ~$8 gets you roughly 15 minutes of kill time, which ain’t bad at all.


So where the hell is it?
  • 2101 N University Dr
  • Sunrise, FL 33322
  • (954) 747-1474
  • laserquest.com
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