Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

In-N-Out Burger Miami

When I first heard about In-N-Out opening in Miami, I quickly navigated over to and searched for “Hialeah, FL” to see if Hell had frozen over. It was 68 degrees, so for Miami standards it might as well have.

I don’t personally know of anyone who likes In-N-Out as much as I do, because I’ve already murdered them. There can only be one. I had my first taste of their freshly-made burgers and their perfect fries back in 2004 during a trip to Los Angeles. Back in that time, I used to think the “west coast” was gay in general, thanks to the skewed perspective of California I was given by television. So, when someone asked if I wanted to try “In-N-Out”, I was sure it was code for something I’m probably not comfortable with sexually, and I politely declined. Days later, it was explained to me, and I decided to eat the fuck out of it.

Holy fucking hellballs, it was great. It’s a pretty typical setup, really. Think of it as Five Guys with about half the grease and double the freshness. You’ve got, like, three things to choose from on the menu: burger, fries, and drink. That’s it. I usually order a double double† and fries with a side of shame. My cousin, who can bench press two of me‡, usually orders his burgers without bread. I understand what it’s all about, but I still think it’s retarded. It’s like, “HI, CAN I GET A DORITOS LOCOS TACO, BUT WITHOUT THE DORITOS OR THE LOCOS, PLEASE?” Oh, so you want A BEEF SALAD then? Just order that. Order a beef salad. Let’s see what they come up with. Or, order a regular fucking burger, and if you don’t want the bread, give it to birds or some shit. You’re still going to pay for those buns whether you get them or not.

Oh, so you want A BEEF SALAD then? Just order that.

Even with the dietary issues, I find it strange when someone orders a burger without buns. No one ever orders lasagna without the goddamn pasta and looks at everyone with a straight face when they receive a bowl of tomato sauce, cheese, and ground beef and a massive shit-eating grin from the server as he snickers when he asks if everyone is enjoying their meals. You shouldn’t be eating fast food if you’re cutting carbs, you retard.

When In-N-Out made the announcement late in 2012 that they were adding a couple of pilot franchises in Miami, New York, Chicago, and DC I was pretty blown away since they’ve repeatedly stressed the importance of sourcing their produce and meat locally. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, $omething ¢hanged their mind. Whatever it was, I’m glad it happened.

Either way, everyone needs to check this shit out before they come to their senses and close those pilot locations.

† One would assume that’s four patties, because a double (2) version of a double (2) is four (4), but one would be wrong (wrong).
‡ Each “me” is holding weights in the amount I can safely bench press without the slightest release of high-pressure gas exiting my anus.

So where the hell is it?
  • 1650 Biscayne Boulevard
  • Miami, FL 33132
  • (305) 579-2117
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2 Comments to In-N-Out Burger Miami

  1. John

    This looks like a Checkers. Is In-N-Out going to take over this location?

  2. Mike

    That picture of the Checkers is from May 2011

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