Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.


The Shops at Midtown is like Dubai, and everything surrounding it is like the Middle East shithole surrounding Dubai. I’m still shocked at how quickly that place went from muggable to slightly-less-muggable in such a short period of time.

A bunch of restaurants have been opening there, as is to be expected, and Machiya is one of those recently opened (I’ll go with four months) and decided Japanese food needed to be shoved down people’s throats.

Japanese people do a lot of things right: They build robots to carry old people out of bed. Nintendo. Questionable pornography (while still blurring the penis). But at the same time, they do a lot of things wrong: Whale and dolphin hunting. Sushi. All that shit they’ve done every time they’ve set foot in Korea or China. I was going to see whether Machiya ends up falling in the “things Japanese people do right” category, but I was shocked to find that a trendy, modern Japanese/Asian Fusion joint in Miami didn’t have at least one Japanese dude working the floor. Even that German place on Lincoln Road has a couple of actual Germans working there for authenticity, and Passion, that terrible nightclub, has a couple of actual Terrible people working there.

I’m still shocked at how quickly that place went from muggable to slightly-less-muggable in such a short period of time.

Machiya looks pretty nice on the inside. It looks more like a lounge than a restaurant, and while I haven’t verified or care to verify this statement in any way, I think they turn this place into a nice lounge on weekend nights. If they don’t, they better be serving food well into 3 AM.

When I looked at the menu, my eyes focused on the roasted Japanese sea-bass, and I’m happy to report that it tasted like puppies and justice. The texture was just right, and it was topped off with some crispy-ass fried potato shavings and cooked tomato. It’s a bit small on the portion, so I definitely wouldn’t consider it an entree unless your ribs show. To this day, every time I read or hear the word “sea-bass” I think of “Kick his ass, sea-bass!” It’s the reason I first tried sea-bass and liked it. Now you know something personal about me, and we’re connected. My girlfriend had the dragon roll, and I ordered up a Tokyo ramen. Tokyo ramen was like taking everything Japanese people cook with and throwing it into a broth, but it was delicious. My girlfriend claims the dragon roll was marvelous. I tried it, and while I didn’t HATE it, it was still sushi so I prefer not to comment on it beyond stating that the internal codename for Fat Man atomic bomb was “Fuck You and Your Sushi.”

They don’t have any desserts listed on their menu, but our waiter, who was very pleasant and attentive throughout the night, told us about their crème brûlée. When he told us, it went something like, “Oh, yes, we have various desserts including sdfijdfg, oqrhnb, ojahfnhj, and crème brûlée.” It’s not just the regular one they have, but they have a passionfruit variety. We got both, like fat fucks, and consumed about 1.5 metric crème brûlées. The taste of both was great, with the passionfruit one being extra interesting, but I do have to complain about the airyness of it. When you break through the crunchy sugar layer on the top, the custard can’t have a bunch of air bubbles in there, that ain’t cool. But I won’t take too many points away, because it still tasted great.

Overall, I’ll advocate it. The food was beyond my expectations, the service was pleasant, and they have a lot of cocktails and shit. It seems like a perfect first date spot, since you can go on the pretense of having a drink at the bar so you can duck out early if the other person is a walking cold sore, or move it over to a quick bite if your pheromones are compatible/you’re desperate.

So where the hell is it?
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