Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Texas de Brazil

Buffets are the most goddamn American things since electric guitars and indigenous genocide. Sure, it’s a french word, but so is entrepreneur, as in, “Look at that entrepreneur.” And so is découpage, as in, “What the fuck is découpage?”

I hear this place is like $50 a head, but I didn’t pay it because it was a company thing. We had one of those private dining rooms set aside for us and I felt like a king. A king who eats buffets at restaurants with locations all across the USA and Caribbean. Kings only eat at the most exclusive of places.

Anyway, the idea here is you get this little pog-like two-sided disc. One side says, “Yes, I’m a fat-ass, please give me more things” and the other side says, “Yes, I’m a fat-ass, but please refrain from putting more things in my face.” If you have that little pog facing the green side, you’ll be bombarded with guys holding skewers of meat (hehehe). The amount of meat they have is mind-blowing. Filet mignon, lamb chops, bacon-wrapped chicken, picanha, filet wrapped in bacon, leg of lamb, too many different sausages, and of course, shame. You know that point where you eat too much food and you end up having to unbutton your pants? HAHA ME NEITHER HAHA HA ! ! !

In addition to the dudes bringing you food, there’s a salad bar with all sorts of shit. Most salad bars don’t carry much meat, but TDB does. Bacon, sushi, shrimp, etc. With all the meat in this place, I don’t know why they didn’t just call it America of UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

America?

Fuck yeah.

So, a company dinner. It’s that thing where you go someplace with the people you work with, and you realize you don’t really get along with any of those people. You also bring your significant other along so they can meet the people you constantly talk shit about. “Hey, is that the girl who you’re pretty sure pretended her son was kidnapped just so she could con herself into a guilt-free day off?” Yup. “What about her, is that the one who used to go on Match.com, song lyric web sites, and TMZ all day?” No, she was fired months ago. “Oh, why?” Because she used to go on Match.com, song lyric web sites, and TMZ all day. “Oh.” Yeah.

This was a Christmas dinner, though, which meant that every awkward office dinner situation was mitigated by the fact that we were getting gifts, bonuses, and big-ass steaks. I ate so much steak that night a vegan died of anemia. My favorite was the picanha. It was soft and it’s the juicy kind of steak I believe they should make actual juice out of. Imagine a nice, chilled glass of steak juice to go along with your meal. Or perhaps add some gin to it, making a cocktail I invented, the name of which is “fucking disgusting.”

Buffets are the most goddamn American things since electric guitars and indigenous genocide.

The desserts were also as ridiculous as the stream of meats flying our way. You know when a server brings out a tray full of those plastic desserts that look entirely too real? This guy brought out two of those trays, and in a very Michael Scott-like moment, my boss took one of those plastic desserts from the tray and pretended to eat it, and the rest of us pretended to laugh.

Texas de Brazil is a higher-quality version of The Knife. And I liked The Knife, so fuck yeah.


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