Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Bulldog Barbecue

Barbecue sauce is a condiment I can put on just about everything that fits in my mouth. Having barbecue doesn’t necessarily imply that everything will be slathered in barbecue sauce, but it gives me hope. Hope that at least 70% of the shit on the menu will be coated in sauce.

I don’t know how BBQ sauce is made. Holy shit, I just looked it up. Where the hell can I buy molasses? And what the fuck is “liquid smoke”? These are questions I don’t need answers to because I’m much too lazy to make my own BBQ sauce. What I do know is that the best thing to come out of the South, besides emancipated slaves, is BBQ. There are a bunch of different varieties of BBQ (Texas, Memphis, and Kansas City to name a few), but Bulldog concerns itself with the North Carolina variety. If you’re not familiar with Caroline-style BBQ, it’s Kermit the Frog’s favorite. Meaning, it’s all about eating pork.

Let’s get it out of the way right now. Their BBQ sauce isn’t the best I’ve had. Hell, I’ve had better at Sparky’s Roadside Barbecue and I’m not even sure what style of BBQ that is. I had ribs, and I found them to be a little too dry/hard for my taste. HOWEVER, the actual taste of the ribs was on point. The texture was horseshit, but the taste made that pig’s slaughter not be in vain. Eating something with bad texture but good taste is like going on a date with an ugly person with a really cool personality. Yeah, you had a good time, but you probably wouldn’t go out with them again unless they dressed a little better and maybe worked out to get rid of that muffin top.

Being the child I am, I ordered a root beer float. I have never in my life immediately regretted a decision faster than that one. I was like, “Oh shit, they have root beer floats, I’ll have one of those please.” And the second she walked away I hated myself. It’s a sugary drink with a sugary scoop of frozen bovine fat. But, I mean, yeah, it was delicious. I had ordered a white chili (turkey, white beans, cheddar, and other shit) and it never arrived, which I’m kinda glad it didn’t because a root beer float, full rack of ribs, fries, and white chili sounds like a full luncheon catering. I intend to one day return so I can try to chili.

Their fries were crispy. There are people who like their fries soft, and I don’t understand that shit. If something is FRIED, it damn well better be crispy, because if you get to the point where a fried object is soft, it’s no longer fried, it’s just soaked. Or old. Crispy is where it’s at. That’s why when you see commercials for KFC and they’re showing off their shitty crispy strips, they always break one in half and you see collateral breading fly off in all directions. Fucking food commercials, man. Have you ever bought food on the premise of a commercial? Pay attention to how the worse the food is for you, the more active they make the commercials seem. Like people who buy “extreme Doritos” are all X-Games champions and shit.

I intend on returning to Bulldog Barbecue because it was good enough. That may not sound like a glowing recommendation, but that’s only because I want my ribs to fall off the bone. It’s fucking sad when a shitty, chainy place like Flannigan’s is one of the few places in Miami that consistently delivers in that regard.

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1 Comment to Bulldog Barbecue

  1. Alfredo Daniel Izquierdo

    You need to order their wings!!! Bro u missed everything that is good about that place! One order the wings two order a sea dog beer and then one of their over the top cooked to perfection burgers and get your grub on! Btw the honny muster sause is off the chain! And my fav sea dog beer is the Blue Barry you also forgot to mention the chef he’s a local celeberty chef and should be recognized for it.

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