Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Naked Pizza

When considering eating healthy food, one of the last things you think of is pizza, right behind dynamite covered in sandpaper. That’s what a normal person’s reaction is. The folks who created Naked Pizza tend to think a little more differently, however.

Naked Pizza is a new pizza-making outfit that set up shop in downtown. They’ve got locations outside Miami, including across various states in the US, and even in Dubai. They have more locations in Dubai than they do here in Miami, which makes sense, because when Arabs think food, they think healthy pizza.

I always wonder what sort of thought process goes into deciding you want to open up a new pizza place. It’s not like they’re inventing a new sort of business, so you can’t encourage them by saying, “That sounds like an awesome idea, bro, I’m sure you’ll make a lot of money.” In that sort of business, if you ask a pizza shop owner what makes his pies better than the rest, he’ll just say, “Well, I add, like, a little bit more salt to the dough so it tastes better.” What a solid business plan that is. I gotta give them credit, because it takes balls to make the exact same business as another guy and rely solely on people’s tongues and the pervasiveness of your marketing (I’m looking at you, Papa John’s).

…when Arabs think food, they think healthy pizza.

The first time I noticed this place I was walking around downtown and saw a sign which read, “Naked” and other letters I didn’t pay attention to, so I was immediately attracted. When realizing it was pizza, I kept a mental note of the place. Fast forward a few weeks and we’re having an office pizza party, either because it was someone’s birthday or someone’s about to get fired, I forgot. The receptionist chick in charge of ordering food decided to go with Naked Pizza. Why healthy pizza? Beats me, this chick has to weigh as much as I do at half the height and I don’t think she made a New Year’s resolution this early. We had a couple of pepperonis and a couple of cheese. There was thin crust and their regular crust.

When we opened the boxes, my immediate thought was, “Fuck, it’s wheat bread.” They use wheat for their crusts. Wheat is the domain of cereal and beer, AKA a balanced breakfast. It doesn’t belong on a pizza. Or at least that’s what I thought. It turns out I like that shit. Their thin crust was especially good. I thought it would taste like paper, but it tasted more like papier-mâché which is decidedly more upscale and classy. The best component on their pizza was the sauce though. It wasn’t too acidic, not too sweet, not too salty, and not too thick. The regular crust had a bit of an awkward taste at first but I got used to it and I can now say I’m a fan.

Naked Pizza may not be the best tasting pizza around, but that’s not to say it’s bad. It’s like the Lou Diamond Phillips of pizza.


So where the hell is it?
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