Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

The Original Big Tomato Pizza

I generally like my pizzas about as thin as the plot to any Michael Bay movie. When the argument over New York style versus Chicago style comes up, lines are drawn and allegiances form, thus defining who I’m going to hate and who I’m going to hate a lot more.

“Thickness” is the realm of good bacon, steaks, and Puerto Rican mulattas in rap videos. It’s definitely not something I would ever associate with a delicious pizza. Then came my introduction to Big Tomato. Now I have to stand back and actually listen to someone’s argument as to why certain pizzas merits discussion instead of casually dismissing them as buffoons. I fucking hate that shit.

“Thickness” is the realm of good bacon, steaks, and Puerto Rican mulattas in rap videos.

I thought perhaps this was just a fluke seeing as I was unabashedly baked the first time I had it. After my first bite, if I had to describe the way it made me feel, I would probably compare it to when Hernán Cortés first tried chocolate offered to him by Montezuma. You know, right before Hernán killed him and slaughtered all his people then shat on their corpses. I don’t know if the shitting actually occurred, but it might as well have with the way those proto-Mexicans were treated. That’s kind of how they’ve been treated since then by the white man. They’ll be like, “here’s a thing”, and the white man is like, “thanks, now I’m going to kill you.” The modern corollary is, “here’s some cheap labor for you”, and the response is, “thanks, now get the fuck out of ‘Merica.”

The problem with thick pizzas is really their proportionality. When you’ve got such a thick slab of dough, it’s not a simple task to get a properly proportionate amount of sauce on there, and as we all know, the sauce on a pizza is very important, it’s like the sauce on a pizza. Big Tomato has a genius way of getting around this, however. It involves putting ENTIRELY TOO MUCH FUCKING EVERYTHING on the dough. Normally this would be bad, but there’s something about taking eight seconds to bite through a layer, nay, STRATUM of cheese that makes this thing amazing. Last time I saw so much cheese on something I was reading Twilight fan fiction†.

On their web site (which isn’t working right now) they have a quote from the New Times which says, “Best Healthy Fast Food.” There’s nothing fast about this shit, it’s a pizza joint, it takes 15 minutes to see your food. Fucking Chili’s gets food on your table faster, and while there are a plethora of adjectives I can hurl at Chili’s, “fast food” isn’t one of them. Neither is “authentic”, or “delicious”, or “food” for that matter. And second, what the fuck is healthy about a plate full of carbs, acid, and coagulated animal protein/fat? I’ll eat my own hair if a nutritionist signed off on the “Traditional Tomato” I had, and I’ll also tell you guys the story of the worst fucking nutritionist since Marie Claire.

Last time I saw so much cheese on something I was reading Twilight fan fiction†.

It’s a very delicious pizza, but let’s not delude ourselves with the “healthy” attribute. An ounce of almonds is healthy. Raw carrots are healthy. Greasy cheese bread is most certainly not healthy. I mean, if you cut the serving size to one slice then maybe you can make an argument if you’re eating a spinach, olives, and chicken pizza and covering all your food groups, but who the fuck can eat a single slice of this? Granted, I have the self-control of the Hamburglar at a BBQ, but I don’t think anyone eating fucking pizza is the embodiment of will-power, especially if you’re not full off that slice. Which you won’t be, because the pizzas are tiny.

What does it look like?

Once you get past the fact that on these photos they look like petri dish samples of STDs, you’ll find them one of the best thick pizzas you’ve had.

When I had it for the second time, all of my mental faculties were in place and I wasn’t swayed by the hungry, hungry, hipponess of the magical herb. I can still report that the pizza was delicious.

† Lies. I would never read Twilight fan fiction unless those “fans” were irate comedians.


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