Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Sweetness Bakeshop & Cafe

The fourteenth most important thing you should know about me is that I absolutely lose my shit when sweet things are involved. I love sweets so much I could’ve been easily molested by a balding man in a cardigan as a kid if only I didn’t have chicken legs.

Unwarranted pedophilia joke aside, I fucking love sweets. The only reason I’m not a fat guy is because I’ve got a third-world stomach, thus probably a family of tapeworms I’ve named John, Jan, Joe, Jane, and Marco Esteban Hernandez Portillo. For example, this morning I ate Frosted Flakes for breakfast. I also had Publix-brand French toast sticks and guava pastry bought from a little downtown Cuban cafe with a health inspection record of dubious results. For most people, the only certainties in life are death and taxes. For me, it’s death, taxes, and diabetes. Probably even in that order. Have you ever seen a bloated carcass develop spontaneous diabetes? Yeah, I’ve watched Paula Deen’s show too.

The only reason I’m not a fat guy is because I’ve got a third-world stomach…

So my girlfriend and I had just gotten out of some food-truck-gone-legit place called Latin House Burger which I’ll talk about another time. We’re on our way to the car when she stupidly points out the little bake shop in the same shopping center. Obviously, I have to go to there. I don’t know when it was during the point of human history that we evolved our societies to support the micro-economy of a cupcake shop, but I’m so happy it occurred. I’ll go ahead and thank the Greeks for it just because they probably invented it, and I’ll thank the Romans for stealing it from them, and then finally the Americans for somehow fucking involving venture capitalists in it.

I use LA Sweets as my litmus test since their cupcakes are the best tiny cupcakes I’ve ever had. Sweetness’ little shop was open and it was around 10 PM. Nothing good can come from keeping a sweets factory open late, and if Michelle Obama found out about it she’d give you that evil stare she gives.

What stare are we talking about?

Holy shit. Relax, lady, I voted for your husband!

Unlike LA Sweets which specializes strictly in tiny cupcakes, Sweetness decided to be a purveyor of all sorts of shit made with sugar. When I walked in there, I told the girl working that I wanted things. I don’t remember the dialogue as well as I hoped I would, but it involved me being a smarmy prick gloating about losing a leg to Type II in the future. I spent about $12 on shit and she gave me a cookie on the house. That was a crack dealer strategy. She gives me a cookie with a fucking brownie inside of it (yeah, shit got real) and dared me to not want to buy one later. I bought a few cupcakes, a shot glass of guava cheesecake, a shot glass of tres leches, a bunch of macaroons, and scorned looks from my girlfriend.

The verdict?

Guava cupcake: Better at LA Sweets, but it’s cool that they add a filling.

Red velvet cupcake: Better at LA Sweets.

Twix cupcake: Good, but a bit dry. Also has a filling, and I think this filling was regurgitated Twix bars.

Tres leches: Yes.

Guava cheesecake: Oh God, yes.

Macaroons: They were alright, but the pistachio one was so good it made me forget pistachios are only liked by grandparents and brown people.

I’ve been making a lot of comparisons to LA Sweets even though the two are pretty different places. Like I mentioned before, LA Sweets caters strictly to the cupcake crowd while Sweetness goes a few heavily-winded steps above and gives gluttonous candy monsters what they crave. Overall, I’m still loyal to LA Sweets against my doctor’s advisement. With that said, I’ll be back.

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3 Comments to Sweetness Bakeshop & Cafe

  1. Pingback: Orlando
  2. Anonymous


  3. Alfredo Daniel Izquierdo

    The cookie is called a G.O.A.T cookie and yes it is crack the fact that you have no credentials in the culinary world has made me lose most respect for what you have to say and I am very displeased with the fact that you share no pictures and the art that food can be when displayed. This my favorite bakery in the world & and around 10 Ish when they close what ever is left in the bakery is given away to the homeless shelter and or the local fire fighters for their valiant efforts to protect the community. Learn to order where you go ask questions about the location and never compare family owned and run bakery to a Corporate bakery or franchise.

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