Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

The Capital Grille

I’ve been busy as shit lately but since Miami Spice has rolled around it’s a requirement for every citizen to make time. When I say “every citizen” I don’t mean “every US citizen” since that only applies to, like, 18 people in Miami. I just mean everyone regardless of their immigration status.

Oddly enough, I had never been to Capital Grille before. It’s one of those places that’s really close by so I always put it off in favor of something a little farther away since it’s “right there” and “I could have it any time I wanted.” It’s sort of like how a lot of guys treat their girlfriends.

I made a reservation for Saturday at 9:30. When we show up, one of the similarly-looking blond ladies informs me that they’re running a little behind on reservations so that it’ll be about 10-15 minutes. I guess that’s fine, so we go to the bar. I order myself a gin sprite and we start looking over the menu. Suddenly my douche sense begins tingling. My douche radar is rarely badly configured. I look at my 5 o’clock — bingo. Douche and his douchette come and sit next to us at the bar and ask the barkeep for menus. The barkeep, a good dude, gives them the menus and is like, “I brought the spice menu as well”, and lo and behold douche goes, “Nah man, come on, you know I don’t need that.” The bartender says, “I’ll give it to you just in case, it’s a good deal.” Douche was beatboxing the theme to Miami Vice at this point with all the scoffing he was doing. His “pffffft” and “chhhhk” were so thunderous, it gave Thor performance anxiety. That douchenozzle then proceeds to take the Spice menu, crumple it up, and throw it out.

Douche was beatboxing the theme to Miami Vice at this point with all the scoffing he was doing.

First, cockfuck, you’re sitting AT THE BAR. The only high rollers who sit at the bar are alcoholics and mobsters who fucking own the place. Second, only a level 7 douche like yourself actively turns down a good deal. Third, you proceeded to share a steak. Fourth, I can understand if you wanted to eat something not on the Spice menu, and that was evident since you ordered the lobster mac & cheese along with your shared steak, but you wouldn’t have fucking known that unless you took a look at the menu and didn’t pretentiously crumple it up and throw it out. Fuck that guy.

We finally get our table. Our waiter, Alex, was pleasant as fuck. A little too pleasant, really, kind of like he wanted a nice tip. I’ve heard a lot of stories of people who will go to a luxury restaurant during Spice and once they let their server know of their Spice intentions the service goes to shit. This was not the case. When we told Alex we wanted to see the Spice menu, his demeanor didn’t change. Internally, he could’ve been thinking of sodomizing me with shared steak Douche Baggins’ herpetic dick, but externally he stayed cool like a goddamn pro.

Second, only a level 7 douche like yourself actively turns down a good deal.

My girlfriend ordered the filet mignon with onions and mushrooms. I had the ancho rubbed sirloin with chimichurri and more gin. Mine was superior, but the next day her steak tasted better than it did freshly made. We had pretty much her entire steak left over because she filled herself up on 4 glasses of water beforehand. She’s been drinking a ton of water lately and I’ve been feverishly Googling to see if excessive water consumption is a symptom of pregnancy. Their clam chowder was good, not exquisite or anything, just good. They gave us creamed spinach and mashed potatoes. The potatoes were decent, but I’m not big on creamed spinach so I won’t comment on that. Creamed spinach makes me think of Popeye and how each episode involved Popeye’s retardedly slutty girlfriend Olive Oyl giving it up to Bluto’s advances.

To cap the meal, we had the creme brulee. God damn I love creme brulee. The overall quality of the food was decent. I can’t imagine they’d “step it up” anymore culinary-wise if you’re not ordering from the Spice menu, because the food didn’t seem half-assed in any way. Like I said, it was good, but I expected something a little more jizzworthy. But the service, on the other hand, is exceptional.

I’d recommend Capital Grille during Spice, but I’m not 100% on whether I’d do so on a regular night. I mean, maybe I’m wrong, maybe they do phone it in for Spice orders.


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3 Comments to The Capital Grille

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  3. They used to have (don’t know if they still do) a ricotta cheesecake with a vanilla wafer crust that was delicious. Also the French Onion Soup used to be excellent. Haven’t been in a while. The chain is actually owned by the same people as Longhorn Steakhouse which, when I found that out, kind of took away some of the magic for me.

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