Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Are You a Goddamn Adult CHILD? Try Geocaching!

At one point in your life you realized you were an adult. Maybe it happened when you were in line at Publix and punk bitch little kid ran into you after his mother yelled for him to stop running, then she says, “Apologize to the man” and he says, “Sorry, sir.” Sir? What the fuck? Or maybe it happened when you realized you were 9 when Jurassic Park came out, and that was 19 years ago. Or maybe it was when you got kicked out of the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit when an employee said, “Sorry sir, that’s for children only.” There’s that fucking “sir” again.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of awesome shit involved with being an adult. You can drink with relative impunity, you can buy yourself whatever the hell you want even if you don’t have the money for it, and you can murder another human being and spend the rest of your life in prison. There’s just so much you can do. However, the limit is usually childhood things unless there’s an adult variety of it around. With geocaching, there is.

Geocaching is a worldwide treasure hunt. People leave shit anywhere, post GPS coordinates and a couple of hints, and others look for them. Sometimes you just sign a little log book letting others know you found it, other times you’ll find little trinkets in there and you take one and leave something in its place. Other times you don’t find it at all and curse the heavens for your bad luck.

Cursing the heavens, you say?

I Googled “cursing the heavens” and this was the fifth image that popped up.

It sounds kinda stupid, right? Well, fuck you then, I like it. I especially like doing it at night in urban areas. Last weekend my girlfriend and I took her little sister out to try geocaching, and knowing very little if anything about the endeavor she showed up oddly prepared with a camouflage hunting cap that had a little flashlight attached to it. We were in Pinecrest, and I found like 6 caches within a 1 mile radius, which is awesome, so we headed to the first one behind a K Mart next to a canal.

Before I continue, try to picture this from the perspective of an outside viewer. One adult man and two young women late on a Sunday night parking in an empty lot and walking behind a cement wall to a dark area next to a canal. What the fuck do you say if you get caught? “I was looking for treasure.” Yeah.

…you can murder another human being and spend the rest of your life in prison. There’s just so much you can do.

So anyway, we’re back there looking for treasure with all sorts of canal bugs and shit. Eventually we find it in a crevice on the cement wall but it’s full of ants because some fucking moron used an Altoids box as the case. So we moved on to the next one which was behind a church. Again, imagine getting caught there. We find that one and it was the larger kind with a number of little objects in there, mostly figurines. We didn’t really have anything to leave so we continued.

At this point, my girlfriend’s brother showed up and wanted to play so we went to one mapped at a park a few blocks away. The clues on this one were fairly cryptic and there were large spiders FUCKING EVERYWHERE. I almost turned into Spider-Man, like, at least seven different times. And as you know, turning into Spider-Man in reality involves dying of a spider bite. There was one spider which looked so evil and menacing it’s probably going to be Romney’s running mate. While we were there and my girl’s little sister was swinging a large Gandalf walking stick trying to kill all the spiders and only making them angrier, some lady pulled up in a car and asked us if we knew how to get to some bullshit place. She probably wanted to preface her question with, “Hey guys, what the fuck are you doing?” but figured she shouldn’t question the young girl with a large stick and a miner’s hat because criminally insane people lurk everywhere.

And as you know, turning into Spider-Man in reality involves dying of a spider bite.

Since we couldn’t find it, we decided to cut our losses and head to another one by the Pego Lamps on US-1. This one is retarded because you’re going to be seen by: A) Everyone who stops at a red light; B) Everyone who doesn’t stop at the light and is merely driving through; C) Everyone who parks to buy lamps; D) Everyone. After looking for a few minutes and discussing what line to use if we got caught (we decided on “looking for my wedding ring”), we found out from the geocaching website that the cache is no longer there — something I should’ve done from the beginning.

Whatever, 2 for 4 isn’t too bad.

Try geocaching, it’s a good, cheap way to kill a few hours and probably get arrested for trespassing.

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2 Comments to Are You a Goddamn Adult CHILD? Try Geocaching!

  1. Pingback: Bill Barkley
  2. You Sir are fucking awesome…Thanks for the laugh

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