Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Pollo Tropical

Let’s slum it for a second so I can tell you all about how Pollo Tropical is man’s best asset besides opposable thumbs. One could pose a strong argument for La Granja being superior, but allow me to explain why Pollo Tropical would be one of those three things I take with me to a deserted island besides my girlfriend and two cyanide pills.

If all food were free, Pollo Tropical would be considered garbage. Since in a world where all food is free you probably don’t require gainful employment, I would make it my career to stand around mocking those who ate Pollo Tropical. But we don’t live in that world. We live in a world where goods cost something, and to me the cost of things mitigates some of the enjoyment I get from it. It’s why Jewish people tend to complain all the time. When I eat an expensive steak, it’s usually very delicious, but imagine how much more delicious it would be if it were free. That same concept applies to all foods in all price ranges, albeit to a lesser extent in the cheaper foods.

Pollo Tropical would be one of those three things I take with me to a deserted island besides my girlfriend and two cyanide pills.

However, Pollo Tropical is at that sweet spot where it’s very cheap and delicious for its price. Take the Tropichop, for example. The Tropichop is like a spic’s version of the KFC Famous Bowl. It’s a plastic tray filled with things. The variety of things you can pack into that tray is limited only by your imagination (and their offerings, so there’s a legitimate limit) and a “small”, which is really a regular size for a typical adult, costs $3.99. With $3.99 you can fill a bowl with rice, beans, chicken, corn, tomatoes, and onions. Many people claim that putting a man on the Moon was a challenging endeavor and man’s greatest achievement. I submit that either building a massive supercollider and finding the Higgs Boson, or Pollo Tropical’s $3.99 Tropichop edge out slingshotting a couple of upright apes to a rock.

As you start moving up on the menu you’ll start paying a bit more, but the lower-end items use the same damn chicken or pork, so any of those lower combo items you buy will fill you up and leave you with extra marijuana/cocaine/bath salts cash.

Remember, this is all based on the premise that food costs money. Even so, let’s mention La Granja once again. La Granja too has pretty cheap meals at hand, and pound-for-pound tastes better than Pollo Tropical. Peruvians may not know how to breed attractive people or not eat pets, but they know how to make chicken. The problem with La Granja is availability. There are, like, 4 locations in Miami-Dade and they’re mostly in shitty areas like Kendall, Cutler Bay, and Hialeah. The downtown location is good, but there’s a guy who works there who has a stupid face and it pisses me off.

Speaking of downtown, the only Pollo Tropical I go to is the one downtown usually during lunch, and I love seeing all the tourists ordering, especially the ones completely unfamiliar with sweet plantains or yuca.

So that puts us back to Pollo Tropical. Sure, Subway has $5 footlongs and good combos, but there’s just something about rice and beans that makes me want to speak to my white boss in Spanish.

So where the hell is it?
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3 Comments to Pollo Tropical

  1. I think pollo trop is legit, being a white Jewish person from Philly, you can’t eat the value for fresh grilled chicken. The tropichop got me through college and spared me the extra few bucks to blow in the grove.

  2. I don’t care much for it, but their chicken soup is excellent.

  3. Love the chicken soup, wish they had the same or similar healthy sides like Boston Market (spinach, green beans, etc).

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