Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

It’s 2012 and You’re Still Using Cash? Motherfucker.

Let me lay out a scenario you’ve all surely been a part of unless you engage in zero social activities and/or hate people. You’re at a restaurant with a few friends and the bill comes. You all decide, “No problem, let’s just split the bill.” Juan drops his Blue Cash Everyday American Express, Amy drops her Chase Freedom card, Lisa drops her Discover card which surprisingly is accepted there, you drop your BankAmericard, and Mauro drops his part. Everyone looks at Mauro. “I’m paying cash.”

God damn it, Mauro.

Mauro is an asshole. You’re thinking, “Wait, what’s wrong with cash? It’s legal tender for all debts, public and private. It says it right there on the back of this ancient parchment called a twenty dollar bill.” So fucking what. In most circumstances these days, it’s stupid to pay cash. It is STUPID to pay cash for most things. I assume you’ll need me to explain, so I’ll get to it right after I eat this Nutri Grain bar I paid credit for.

You’re overpaying for just about everything.

Whenever you slide your card into that magical machine that communicates with a merchant network, the store you’re at gets money. However, they also owe the credit card companies money for using that network. I don’t remember what the exact amounts are and am not in the mood to do my due diligence, so let’s just low-ball it and say it’s 1%. You just spent $1,000 on your favorite hit-man so he can go murder Paris Hilton before she keeps ruining music with her DJ enterprise. He gets $990 out of that and the rest of it goes to the credit card company because you decided to leave a paper trail with a hit-man (who oddly enough accepts credit cards). When he priced all this stuff out, if he didn’t accept credit cards he would’ve set his cost at $990, because that’s what he determined the value of brutally murdering someone is. His value of life, plus labor, is $990. However, since he decided to accept credit cards to cater to a wider audience, he had to increase the price to $1,000 to offset the $10 the credit card companies will take off the top. So even if you pay cash, you still have to pay $1,000 because that’s what the price has become.

You just spent $1,000 on your favorite hit-man so he can go murder Paris Hilton before she keeps ruining music with her DJ enterprise.

“Why don’t companies just charge X for people paying credit and (X – %) for people paying cash?” Good question, person who is probably Jewish. It’s because credit card companies have it in their merchant contracts that merchants are not allowed to do this. If you’re caught doing this, you’ll lose your merchant account and these days that’s a death sentence depending on your business type.

What businesses can get away with it?

Also politicians, maybe.

“If you pay credit or cash, you’re still paying the hit-man $1,000. You lose either way.” Ah, you’re definitely not Jewish. See, the gentile can overlook it, but the Semite would be smart and quick to know all about credit cards with rewards, specifically cash back rewards. Remember those cards we all paid for our hypothetical bills at the hypothetical restaurant where Mauro the asshole dropped cash? Chase Freedom, Blue Cash Everyday American Express, Discover, and BankAmericard. Those are all cards with good cash back rewards. Remember in our example how the merchants are charging an extra 1% on everything to offset their merchant cost? Well, all those cards offer at least 1% cash back, so when you paid the hit-man $1,000 to disembowel that cunt Paris Hilton in front of a sold-out crowd at the American Airlines Arena, you got back $10, precisely what you overpaid. That’s just the minimum, because some of those cards offer more than 1% — up to 5%.

Granted, you may scoff at saving a measly 1% because you live in Miami and believe you’re the ballest of ballers, but that shit adds up. Last month alone I racked up $52 in cash back rewards among my various cards, and I did it by not being a fucking asshole using cash.

It’s inconvenient.

This one is more subjective than the main point, but still valid. Cash is for immigrants sending money back home, drug deals, and strip clubs. Besides that, everywhere else it’s just an inconvenience.

Cash is for immigrants sending money back home, drug deals, and strip clubs.

Let’s take a better example. Pretend you’re at Best Buy because you’re a moron who doesn’t know about Amazon or Newegg. You see a really nice 36″ LCD TV for $500 and want it. As it turns out, you don’t trust banks so you do all your dealings in cash. You probably also live on a mountain, have lots of weapons, and think 9/11 was an inside job. Obviously, you fell for the salesman gimmicks and now are dead-set on a 50″ LED TV, a Blu-Ray player, the full 11 seasons of Stargate on Blu-Ray, and a Monster HDMI cable which you’re grossly overpaying for because the same quality comes from a $1 cable from Amazon. It’s digital, you fucking idiot. Anyway, now your total is up to $2,000. But you only have $600 in cash!

What does a mountain man need with all that?

Mountain men watch a lot of porn.

If you had a credit card, problem solved. I mean, the problem isn’t really solved unless you pay off the debt right away instead of carrying a high balance month-to-month like a typical American retard, but the current problem of not having enough money on hand to walk out of that terrible store with your terrible things would be solved. Instead, you now have to drive all the way up the mountain to get the other $1,400. Then you drive back to Best Buy to buy your stuff. Then you have to drive back up the mountain to check the mattress for another $140 because you hate the government and forgot about tax.

See? Inconvenience.

Fine, maybe that’s not a typical scenario. A typical scenario is you go to Starbucks and pay $4.12 for whatever it is you’re buying. You hand them a $5 bill and they give you back 88 pennies you’re not in the mood to fucking carry because a jingling pocket makes it hard for you to sneak up on people. You know, in case that’s something you have to do. I don’t know about you, but I personally drop all the coinage into the tip jar. So what did I do? I overpaid AGAIN. I overpaid by paying cash, then overpaid again because I didn’t want the inconvenience of carrying coins.

What’s the point?

The point is, stop paying cash for things. Especially stop doing it when we’re splitting a bill at a restaurant, Mauro, you asshole.

Share
Dude, I'm serious, I'll kill a bunny if you don't click this button »

6 Comments to It’s 2012 and You’re Still Using Cash? Motherfucker.

  1. Juan

    The best is when youre in line to buy a pack of smokes behind an old man who decided to pay for a pack of gum with a card. As you watch the system crash a slew of stpre employs comes tp the cashiers aid as the figure this problem out you decide its FUCKING RETARDED TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING WITH A CARD. If thats your cup of guarapo “let me hold your wallet ” I promise to be there whenever ypu need it.

    • A) It’s faster.

      B) You have a log of everything you buy so you can review it later and reevaluate your choices in stupid-ass purchases.

      C) Cash back rewards. Seriously. If you could be getting 5% back on that $200 grocery purchase by using a card you should be using anyway, you’re throwing $10 away.

      I guaran-fucking-tee you paying with a card is going to be faster than paying cash 999,999 times out of a 1,000,000.

  2. Pingback: Orlando
  3. El Don

    Oye, Orlando, deja de comer lo que pica el pollo mijo!

    How can you sit here and bad mouth cash? Que pasa por tu cabeza!
    Mira, first, cash is accepted everywhere. No hay ningun come pinga que te diga, sorry sir the mashin es broken no can tayket cash. Ningun come mierda te dice, “sorry meng, no American Express”. And who is you fucking hurry dude? You gotta hurry to the hospital to perform the fucking life saving heart transplant that the orphan toddler has been waiting for her entire life?

    Calm the fuck down and enjoy having a nice wad of singles and an occasional 5 spot in your pocket. I won’t even get into how credit card companies make MILLIONS off of selling your private data and purchasing history to private companies.

    I will say this though, credit card companies are now working with insurance companies and others to determine your rates and to sometimes drop your coverage. They also monitor your web browsing in some cases and will use it to adversely affect your premiums. Don’t trust plastic my friend, it is not your friend, there is no such things as a free lunch, these companies wouldnt give you so many perks for nothing.

    El Don

  4. Pingback: Vivian

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *