Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Eating House Miami

We came here for my girlfriend’s birthday dinner and found my little sister’s doppelganger. That was pretty awesome and I’ll get to that.

I wasn’t sure where to take my girlfriend, but we were doing bar trivia earlier in the week and two people simultaneously talked this place up. As this girl I work with is talking about this new pop-up restaurant and how awesome it is, the other guy is completely ignoring everything she says, cuts her off, and starts talking about a hot new restaurant one of his best friends opened up. Then he’s like, “it’s this little pop-up restaurant in the Gables…” I start laughing thinking he’s just fucking with her, but it turns out he flat-out didn’t give a shit what she was talking about so it was a coincidence that they talked about the same thing. Anyway, the restaurant sounded interested so I decided on that.

Eating House takes no reservations, and while it’s as assholish as those McDonald’s franchises which deliver to people, I can understand why they do it. It’s Miami, and surely there are dozens of people per night who will make a reservation and either not show up or show up after closing. A place this small and this temporary can’t afford to have empty seats every night, so they make you wait 45 minutes to an hour before you can chow down on Eggo waffles with things.

This place is small and temporary because it’s a pop-up restaurant, one of the most hipster things since recording your voicemail on vinyl. The restaurant is only around for a limited amount of time, either because they want to give it an air of exclusivity to rake in as much cash as possible, or because the chef has a terminal disease and he’s dying in September. Those are the only two possibilities.

…it’s a pop-up restaurant, one of the most hipster things since recording your voicemail on vinyl.

The rumor is they change their menu daily and it’s something which can be witnessed by looking at the date on the top left of your menu. This, however, appears to be all sorts of fabricated bullshit because in talking to others they have mentioned numerous dishes which appeared on the menu I looked at. So they change their menu in the same way a gas station changes out the hot dogs on the little rotating rack heating thingy; they just reorder them in the same place. It’s like, “oh shit, Kumar, are these eggs we sell at a gas station expired? We should just stamp a new expiration date on them.”

We get there on Saturday night and it’s a pretty packed house. My friend, who is punctual and arrived on time, wanted to get us a table but the lady said some shit about how we all need to be there. That’s weird. All in all, it was about a 50 minute wait, and we were seated outside. What’s awesome is what happened next. When I walked into that place, shortly after I noticed a woman who was wearing bright pink pants but paid no real attention to that. Minutes later when my little sister shows up scumbaggily-late, I notice she’s wearing bright pink pants. And an off-white shirt. And matching heels. Exactly like that other woman. She doesn’t notice this until we’re being moved to our seats outside, and my sister is anxious to get the fuck out of there and sit outside where no one else will notice. So we go outside and each sit down, and wouldn’t you know it, the pink-panted chick gets seated right next to my sister indoors, with the only separation being glass.

How closely did they match?

I had to remove her face. The embarrassment would lead her to murder me.

I will probably pay for putting this here, but this sort of thing doesn’t happen too often.

So the food. I’ve gotta say, it was worth the wait. I love all that experimental shit crazy people do on cooking shows and shit. But above all, I love chicken and waffles. Hell, I’m going to LA on Wednesday just to get some Roscoe’s and maybe get racially profiled by LAPD, it’s gonna be great. The waffles they serve at Eating House are just Eggo waffles, but their chicken tastes like jumping into a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit naked. NOT WHILE THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND, just, like, if you work there and stuff and you go in there after hours when everything is closed. Shut up.

The Florida tomatoes dish was pretty rad too. It was just a bunch of tomatoes, peanuts, other shit, and coconut ice cream. This is like a college guy with very little food around making dinner. Also the scallops, which I don’t like (not a fan of the texture) but everyone else seemed to really enjoy. Whatever, there were lots of things and they were delicious.

The ambiance was relatively shitty but that’s to be expected when you can’t really control what the restaurant’s interior looks like since it is, after all, another restaurant during the day.

All in all I give it my hearty recommendation.


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1 Comment to Eating House Miami

  1. Does this place have booze,byob, or is it dryer than a 70 year old poon?

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