Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A La Folie Cafe

What is it about French people that made them so good with cuisine? Seriously, they’re the best on the planet. A Middle Easterner could look at a typical French dish and be like, “I want to put that in my face” in whatever phlegmy language they speak, but the average person wouldn’t really think the same about the goat-eye dish or whatever it is the Middle Easterner is putting out.

Fine, I’ll concede, that’s not a very fair comparison because French people make seemingly gross shit too. Escargot, for example. However, escargot is probably their “grossest” thing and it’s not even that gross-looking, nor does it taste that bad. It’s basically like eating oysters except a land variety, and Jews notwithstanding just about every people on the planet have a type of mollusk on the menu. And yes, the Middle Easterners do have some great stuff, because I’ll eat the fuck out of a kibbeh and I’ll sacrifice any one of your children for a decent serving of samosa.

I’ll sacrifice any one of your children for a decent serving of samosa.

Anyway, I was talking about how the French dominate with food. When I think breakfast, I generally break it up into three categories: bullshit, garbage, and awesome.

A bullshit breakfast is the sort of thing I eat when I’m late for work. This usually consists of one of the following: a mini box of Froot Loops or some other crappy, sugary cereal; a banana, apple, or small branch of grapes; a handful of powdered mini doughnuts. Bullshit breakfasts serve to avoid any stomach grumbling that I have to blame on the fat guy a couple of cubicles across. I say things like, “can you believe this guy? He’s still hungry.” I’m not a very good person.

A garbage breakfast is anything Denny’s sells. Eggs and whole wheat toast can be a healthy breakfast, but for some reason Denny’s eggs and whole wheat toast will cause colorectal cancer even in people who had their colorectals removed. Just… pretend a colorectal is an actual thing so the joke works. A Grand Slam is a garbage breakfast. Anything you can eat by shouting a number into an intercom is a garbage breakfast. If you’re counting calories and your iPhone displays the result in scientific notation, it’s a garbage breakfast.

A bullshit breakfast is the sort of thing I eat when I’m late for work.

Finally, an awesome breakfast is anything French, like eggs benedict, omelets, or Belgian waffles. It can teeter on the garbage side, because even Denny’s sells French toast, but you’ll eventually learn how to tell them apart. For example, at A La Folie Café you can order a crêpe stuffed with apples, glazed with caramel and sugar, and throw a scoop of ice cream on top. Is this a garbage breakfast? Fuck no, it’s an awesome breakfast. If you went to Denny’s and ordered an apple pie a la mode, it’s so garbage-y it’s not even a breakfast. I mean, you could order a croissant and coffee here, then cross your legs while reading the paper and occasionally complaining out loud to whoever is at the table next to yours about cultural degradation in the media like a real Frenchman, but why the hell bother?

I’ll definitely be going back, because what I had was delicious. Keeping with the French theme, I implore any of my readers who come off as pretentious assholes to do it where the ambiance deems it acceptable.

So where the hell is it?
  • A La Folie Café
  • 516 Espanola Way
  • Miami Beach, FL 33139
  • (305) 538-4484
  • A La Folie Cafe on Urbanspoon
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