Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Marlins Park

I’ve been a Marlins fan since I watched that old fuck Charlie Hough pitch his shitty knuckleball against the Dodgers. I’ve been an anti-fan of Joe Robbie Stadium (I have trouble remembering who the quarterly sponsor is, so I just call it that) since I watched that old fuck Charlie Hough pitch his shitty knuckleball against the Dodgers.

The ballpark — not a stadium so don’t call it that — gets a bad rap due to the circumstances which led to its development. To sum it up for you, corrupt Miami politicians who have been doing corrupt shit since the Mariel boatlift in the ’80s. For some godforsaken reason, this specific corrupt act in a sea of uncountable corruption was specifically cherry-picked as the thing to lambast for the next decade. Norman Braman and his cocksuckerish lawsuit likely had something to do with it.

From that point on, nothing the Marlins did was ever good enough anymore. They change the uniforms, “Yuck, I don’t like the colors I was used to seeing at the Orange Bowl anyway, and the ‘M’ doesn’t look ‘M’ enough for my tastes!” They sign Jose Reyes, “Why didn’t you get Albert Pujols for double the money instead?” They add a home run statue which is the most Miami-looking thing since Walter Mercado’s wardrobe, “That thing is disgusting, let’s call it ‘Tremenda Mierda Statue’ and pretend that’s hilarious!” Then they start off the season slow and everyone lampoons them for it, and now that they’ve been wrecking teams left and right the past dozen games mum’s the word. Miamians truly are the worst fans in the USA.

To sum it up for you, corrupt Miami politicians who have been doing corrupt shit since the Mariel boatlift in the ’80s.

But enough about that horseshit, let’s talk a little bit about the ballpark. The location, while not the greatest, is still solid. It’s central to most locations where the sizable Miami spic population can get to it. It’s a few minutes from downtown, Doral, and Hialeah. It takes a little longer from Kendall, but not excessively long. And it just so happens to be smack dab in the middle of Little Havana, the veritable ground zero of Cubanismo. If there were a videogame called “Miami”, the final boss’ lair would be in a Little Havana cafeteria. You’d probably arrive before the boss, because he’d be late as usual, but that’s where you’d find him.

The parking situation isn’t the best. And by “isn’t the best” I really mean “it’s an enhanced interrogation technique.” The ballpark holds 37,000 haters fans yet they’ve only allocated garage spots for about 6,000 cars. If we divide that evenly it assumes 6.1 (7, really, because we can’t have 1/10 of a person unless it’s a midget slave) people to a car, and that’s if every single person carpools. I don’t know what kind of clown car situation they expected, but at some point someone with a basic grasp of arithmetic should’ve spoken up and called them on it. This is the only real mistake they made unless you count the ass-raping traffic you’ll need to deal with in the narrow Little Havana streets (which you probably should), and because of it now you’ve gotta street park around Little Havana or pay some dude $10 to let you park on what he claims is his property.

…we can’t have 1/10 of a person unless it’s a midget slave…

As for the park itself? It’s fantastic. It’s everything a real ballpark is supposed to be. The seats face the action, while you’re at the concession stands you can still see what’s going on without necessitating a TV screen, the concession food is pretty good, the field dimensions are great, and no more fucking rain delays! If I had a dollar for every rained out game I missed in the past seasons, I’d have enough soaked dollar bills to almost buy a beer at the game. Yeah, beer is expensive, but that’s everywhere.

I also like that they call it Marlins Park. I know it won’t last forever, but I love names like that instead of some corporate bullshit. I know if I were a wealthy billionaire I’d sponsor a ballpark and call it “Faggotry Field” or something, just to show how absurd the system is.

If you haven’t been to a game yet, do yourself a favor and check it out. It’s a much more enjoyable experience than Joe Robbie ever was, plus the Marlins are playing well now. And they need the asses on the seats.


So where the hell is it?
  • 501 Marlins Way
  • Miami, FL 33125
  • (877) 411-2012
  • marlins.com
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3 Comments to Marlins Park

  1. Paul

    10/10

  2. Paul

    Lets not forget the old cubans “boycotting” the Marlins after the Ozzie comments. The same people who failed to show up the past 19 years “boycotting”.

  3. Mark

    Best written article ever!

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