A column where I explain concepts to people in ways even a fuckin’ child can understand it. Though I use a lot of bad words, so you probably shouldn’t read this to children.
After Germany embarrassed itself in World War I and signed the Treaty of Versailles, they were forced to pay dividends to the victors, thus establishing their ho-like status in the Euro sphere. Naturally, this did not sit well with the populace. A rational human being would understand why they’re being punished when they caused the greatest, bloodiest war in the history of all mankind, but these aren’t rational human beings we’re talking about. These are Germans.
Wait, Germans are irrational?
Dejected and pissed off, the German people were swayed by a man named Adolf Hitler. He came into power through treachery, deceit, and charisma. Pretty much how Hollywood works, except Nazis dressed better. That in itself is a long story which Oliver Stone can biopic using Josh Brolin as the sort of guy you’d probably find yourself sympathizing with because Oliver Stone is a shrewd gypsy wizard asshole. Let’s just say you wouldn’t expect a guy leading an armed group of men holding politicians hostage in a beer hall to ever end up leading the country. That would be stupid, but once again, Germany didn’t have their shit together at the time. The Weimar Republic was a clusterfuck hemorrhaging money and did nothing for the populace’s morale.
…but these aren’t rational human beings we’re talking about. These are Germans.
When Hitler took power, he changed all that. In addition to owing everybody rap video-like amounts of money (in today’s money, roughly $442 billion total), the Treaty of Versailles stipulated harsh sanctions on what Germany was allowed to do with their military. Pretend you and your neighborhood bully got into a fight. After a long battle where you guys swat at each other like praying mantises playing patty cake, the bully surrenders and you make him sign a contract where he agrees to rip off one of his arms, one of his legs, and only hops backwards for the next 50 years. Over time, that bully’s obviously gonna be pissed, and, I guess, sew his arm and leg back together somehow. I don’t know, it’s not a perfect analogy. That’s what happened with Germany, except when Hitler came along he wiped his ass with the treaty and started building up the military. The Germans can’t be fully blamed for letting Hitler amass the power he amassed. They were desperate beyond desperation and would’ve followed a weimaraner puppy with a German flag cape if it promised them glory and economic stability. In this particular case, they followed a one-nutted anti-Semite with a curious choice of facial decoration because he said all the right things.
Britain and France gave him a stern look, but ultimately did nothing to stop him. At this point Germany is producing more and more as Hitler continues to whisper sweet nothings in its ear. “Oh baby you’re so beautiful,” or “Hey, did you know it’s not really your fault you’re broke? It was totally the Jews who stabbed us in the back when we had World War I in the bag, but they decided that abandoning our reich [empire] would be a better idea.” or even, “Haven’t you noticed how Jews run global banking? Look at the Rothschild family!”
Where did Hitler get that idea?
The Jew-hating started long before that. Wilhelm II, the last German Emperor and mustache enthusiast wrote in a letter to Field Marshal August von Mackensen (the “Mack-daddy” of the German military, if you will) in 1919 after his abdication commenting on how he believed that Jews were a “nuisance that humanity must get rid of some way or other. I believe the best would be gas!” THAT SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. It’s like he’s Nostradamus, but only about that one single thing since he didn’t see the German loss or his abdication coming.
They were desperate beyond desperation and would’ve followed a weimaraner puppy with a German flag cape if it promised them glory and economic stability.
With all the German circlejerking going on thanks to Hitler’s positive reinforcement and the Allies failing to enforce the Treaty of Versailles, Germany was getting stronger by the minute.
Meanwhile, Mussolini is over in Italy giving them the same kind of bullshit rhetoric about how nationalism is awesome and Italians are the greatest shit ever. In 1935 they yet again invade Ethiopia to show the world how powerful they are by fighting against a poor African nation whose military might consists of a whopping three tanks and three planes. It’s like trying to show everyone how badass you are by challenging the deaf kid with cerebral palsy to a dance-off. Then you’ve got Japan over there in the east rubbing its dick against China’s sore asshole after China just finished fucking itself with the thick dildo of civil war. Japan figures it’s got it in the bag due to the thorough ass-whooping they gave China in the First Sino-Japanese War. In 1937, Japan invaded China. At this point, Germany, Italy, and Japan (among others) signed the Anti-Comintern Pact which basically reads “FUCK YOU, COMMIES” in large, bold print.
They signed that?
Germany got cockier and cockier. They annexed Austria and Britain wagged its finger. Then they invaded Czechoslovakia and Britain shook their head and harrumphed. Italy continued its retard push by invading Albania, pretending it was an accomplishment of note. At this point, looking toward Poland, the Brits and French decided to form a super-duper pact guaranteeing support for Poland in case shit goes down. Japan was busy trying to invade the Soviet Union and getting checked at the line by a bunch of pissed off Reds.
In 1939, Germany tests Britain’s resolve by invading Poland. Britain and France decide they’ve had enough of Hitler’s shenanigans now that he’s made Germany into a military force to be reckoned with. People blame Neville Chamberlain for being so laissez-faire about the whole situation which ultimately got them to that point, but in his defense Hitler probably said some really, really nice things about his non-Jewishness. Two days later, Britain and France along with the Commonwealth nations (Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa within a week of each other) declare war on Germany. While they may have declared war, they did very little actual fighting to help the Poles. Then, the Soviet Union of Opportunistic Cocksuckers signed a cease-fire with Japan and joined in on the Polish attack. They got buddy-buddy with the Germans where the Germans were all, “Hey, guy, don’t worry, we’re bros!”
It’s like trying to show everyone how badass you are by challenging the deaf kid with cerebral palsy to a dance-off.
The Soviets started making demands of the Balkans and Finland kindly told them to go fuck themselves. This began the Winter War between the two, and ended with Finland having to give up some of their land.
In May 1940, Germany invaded France, the Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg. Their blitzkrieg (lightning war) tactics which consisted of the equivalent of getting into a fistfight with someone and throwing 29 bricks on their head before they even turned around proved very effective. Within days or weeks they conquered the Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg. France fortified the Manginot Line assuming that’s where the Germans would come from, but the crafty Germans entered through the Ardennes region with its hills and forests. The French thought it was impenetrable by tanks and shit. The Germans thought otherwise. Exactly one month later, Italy invaded France as well and declared war on both France and Britain. France surrendered 12 days after this, which is what has secured their place in the “hahahaha, cheese-eating surrender-monkeys!” lore to this day.
Let’s break off a moment and talk about the Brits for a second. The British were born of warfare. The Angles, the Saxons, the Vikings, the Pict, the Romans, the Celts, the Scots, the Welsh, the Jute, the Danes, what-have-you — those are people that have been fighting and fucking over that region for millennia. They’ve got the best war record in the world, and France holds the number two spot. A lot of it comes from the fact that historically Britain (notably England) and France have been fighting each other since the early middle ages. The Brits fight better than anyone, and they don’t back down from shit. It’s impressive, a testament to their history, and will make the following tidbit clear.
But aren’t they posh little dandies?
After France surrendered to Germany and Italy, Britain feared the French fleet in Algeria would end up a part of the Germany Navy. France promised them otherwise, but that wasn’t good enough for Britain. So they attacked it. They attacked their allies in order to make sure the enemy doesn’t acquire their materiel. If that’s not the biggest “Fuck you, we’ll do this shit ourselves” in the history of history, I don’t know what is. At this point in the war, it’s pretty much Britain and its small rag-tag team of Commonwealth nations against the world.
Germany began plans to attack Britain with an air raid campaign. During the Battle of Britain, outnumbered Britain kept a stiff upper lip and decisively won. The German Luftwaffe was good, but the British Royal Air Force was better. Meanwhile, Italy continued pretending to match German might by invading the small island nation of Malta, Somalia, and Egypt. Italy then tried a bigger player, Greece, and were quickly pushed out, because Italy is terrible at this shit. It’s hard to believe they’re the cock-spawn of Romans. The Brits got tired of Italy poking their territories with sticks so they attacked back and swiftly turned Italy into their bitches. Germany sighed and sent troops to Africa to help Italy with the mess they’ve created.
It’s hard to believe they’re the cock-spawn of Romans.
Not long after, Hitler decided it would be a good idea to invade the Soviets, because he was a power-hungry fuck. Stalin was all, “Dude, WTF, I thought we were friends?!” and switched sides like a disgruntled tranny. Germany gets very close to Moscow, but Hitler knew very little of Russian climate and didn’t anticipate how cold their winters were. At the cusp of a capital invasion, the Germans retreated. By now, there was no more blitzkrieg. All that remained were prolonged, strategic military campaigns and soon, Germans fighting to hold territory they already took over.
While all this shit was happening, Japan was on the other side of the world fucking shit up. They were killing more Asians than China’s one-child policy. They were taking European colonies left and right. And then they made the biggest mistake in the war, which was attacking the US Pacific Fleet at Pearl Harbor (among other targets in Thailand and Hong Kong.)
The USA maintained its neutrality, but they gave some cash and materiel to the Allies here and there, mostly because once again the English language was a great tool. The closest thing to a direct act of war was an embargo (not a blockade, an embargo) against Japan. Japan saw that as a threat and wanted to take care of it quickly before the US could retaliate. They were wrong, of course, and it led to the US entering the war and a formal declaration of war against Japan by Britain and the other Allies. With the US declaration of war against Japan, Germany wanted to play too, so they were like, “Hey guys, you got served!”
What did that look like?
Alright, now that the Americans are in the picture, let’s speed this up.
In 1942, Japan lost a lot of ground to the Americans in the Pacific, Germany thought it wise to wait until summer to restart their Soviet campaign and severely underestimated their defenses which led to a German defeat in 1943. The European front was mostly fought in the east since 1941 and Stalin hated that shit because he felt (rightly) that the Allies were sacrificing Soviet lives for that of Western lives. After much bitching, the Allies organized a huge offensive starting in France. This was known as D-Day. To not make it sound like America went all “fuck yeah!” in the war and single-gunnedly fixed everything, let’s point a few things out. The Canadians did a phenomenal job during D-Day at Normandy. Juno beach was better defended and they took them with less troops than the Americans. It was also the Canadians who liberated the Netherlands where Britain and the Americans failed to do so. And, as has been pointed out, Britain did an exemplary job of holding Germany at the line.
D-Day was an awesome offensive, one which had the Germans fooled as to where it would take place. The Nazis were severely outnumbered, something like 15:1. It was a thorough ass-romping by the Allies, and it set the stage for a sturdy western foothold. Soon, France is liberated. Slowly but surely, the war fronts are being pushed closer and closer to Germany in both directions.
In late 1944, the Germans tried for one last big hoorah in France. It failed and they gained nothing from it. In 1945 the Allies then began to push into Germany itself and soon captured the Reichstag, which is the same as someone capturing the US Capitol Building. Mussolini was hanged in Italy in late April, the Germans in Italy surrendered the next day, and the day after that Hitler committed suicide like a little bitch.
They were killing more Asians than China does with its one-child policy.
Japan was still a problem even though they were getting raped like they did to the Chinese and Koreans (although, in a much less literal sense) yet they refused to surrender. They had lost all their pacific territory and the Americans were closing in on the Japanese homeland. The US demanded unconditional surrender, and the Japanese probably used their fingers to open their eyes widely and said “Ooooo, look, me American, me make demands.” So the Americans dropped a couple of bombs they had been working on for a while. Even though both bombs combined killed less people than the Tokyo firebombings which had taken place earlier, it scared Japan into surrender.
This signaled the end of World War II. The discoveries after the war were not cool, like all the Chinese and Korean civilians the Japanese murdered and raped (maybe in that order, maybe not), and all the Jews, gays, and gypsies the Nazis enslaved and exterminated. It was seriously fucked up stuff. The Allies formed the United Nations and NATO, the latter of which the Soviets were not a part of and instead created their own little club called the Warsaw Pact. Spoiler alert: NATO is still around while the Warsaw Pact isn’t, so America is clearly awesomer.