A column where I explain concepts to people in ways even a fuckin’ child can understand it. Though I use a lot of bad words, so you probably shouldn’t read this to children.
So there were these motherfuckers called Austria-Hungary, and they had an Archduke named Franz Ferdinand, like the post-punk band. An Archduke is basically the rank of a Prince and it was used by a family of incestuous, inbreeding, literal motherfuckers known as the Habsburg Dynasty.
How much inbreeding are we talking here?
The Archduke wanted to visit Serbia to comply with his noble duties of doing absolutely nothing of note whatsoever besides being places in luxury, and during that trip he and his wife Sophie were assassinated by some Serbian dude named Gavrilo Princip. Note that he was assassinated, not murdered, because important people are assassinated, normal people are murdered, and scumbags are executed. Mind you, homeboy survived an assassination attempt, like, an hour before the successful one and he didn’t think maybe he should cancel all his shitty Serbian plans and head back to Austria-Hungary where he can enjoy rim jobs and maybe even a little pegging (if he was into that shit) in the confines of his glorious castle. But no, he pressed on and got his ass got.
Wait, let me stop the story for a second to go off on a quick tangent about his initial assassination attempt. Princip wasn’t the only one involved in this. There were other guys armed with bombs, but they pussied out at the last minute. Another guy, Nedeljko Čabrinović, decided it was up to him and tried to bomb the Archduke’s car while the caravan carrying the Archduke traveled to its destination. Čabrinović threw the bomb at the vehicle and it cartoonishly bounced off the back of the folded convertible top and landed under the car behind, then exploding. It injured about 20 people, but the Archduke was completely untouched. Čabrinović, realizing his mistake and the people coming after him, took a cyanide pill, probably yelled out something he thought was poetic like “they’ll never take me alive, see!”, adjusted his mustache, and jumped into the Miljacka river he was standing near. Unfortunately, the cyanide pill wasn’t strong enough and all it did was make him vomit uncontrollably, and the river he jumped into happened to be just 5 inches fucking deep. So there he is, standing ankle-deep in a river puking his ass off when the cops show up and drag him out of there while he’s heaving like crazy. Then the crowd jumps on him and whoops his ass.
Unfortunately, the cyanide pill wasn’t strong enough and all it did was make him vomit uncontrollably, and the river he jumped into happened to be just 5 inches fucking deep.
Anyway, Austria-Hungry was livid when they heard about the heir to their throne being killed by a Serbian. Princip’s rationale was some crap about some parts of southern Austria-Hungary being Serbian and wanted their annexation, so he decided the best course of action was to kill the future head-of-state as if a bunch of alpine dudes with bushy faces would be like “oh, OK then, no probs.” NO, YOU FUCKING IMBECILES, THOSE PEOPLE ARE ANGRY FRANKS, VANDALS, AND GOTHS!
Meanwhile, Germany decides it wants to get involved somehow and begin its long journey to an 0-2 record in world warfare and monopolize world war instigation. Germany tells Austria-Hungary that what Serbia did is unforgivable, because apparently a couple of loony motherfuckers unaffiliated with the Serbian government speak for the Serbian government. Germany helps Austria-Hungary create a list of outrageous demands that Serbia can’t meet, shit like “make my wife give me daily blowjobs” and “pygmy hippos for every citizen.” Serbia tells Austria-Hungary to go fuck itself, and Austria-Hungary promptly declares war, all because Germany can’t keep its fucking mouth shut. Germany takes sides with Austria-Hungary.
Russia hears about this and gets pissed off. Tsar Nicholas II was all, “fuck that kaiser motherfucker, I still haven’t forgiven them for calling themselves Prussia. I mean, what the fuck, how would they like it if a country named itself Permany?” Russia joins Serbia in order to protect its Balkan influence and things start to get a little more real. Germany wanted to attack Russia, but it had to go through Belgium to do it, because everyone knows you need to go west to get to a country east of you. That’s what pissed off France.
France was all, “le fuck you.” You see, Belgium is essentially two regions; the Flemish in the north and the Walloon in the south. The Walloon speak French, and that’s enough to get France hard, because French is the language of love and tasty croissants. This in turn pissed off Great Britain. The Brits had a ton of overseas colonies and they feared that France losing would put them in a position to fight anyway, thus losing their overseas colonies. Mind you, this was all before the whole “hahaha France surrenders all the time” shit. Pre-WW, France had the second-best military record on the planet. Hell, they still do, but it’s overshadowed by fucking morons who think the past few wars nullifies their rich military history. So Britain joins in.
“Fuck that kaiser motherfucker, I still haven’t forgiven them for calling themselves Prussia. I mean, what the fuck, how would they like it if a country named itself Permany?”
Because of that, Italy, Greece, the Ottomans, and Romania also join in. So now it’s Serbia, Russia, Britain, France, Belgium, Italy, Greece, and Romania in the Allied force against Germany, the Ottomans, and Austria-Hungary as the Central force. The balls on those three, right? Over time more joined the Allies, like Brazil, Japan, Montenegro, Canada, India, Australia, and more unimportant countries at the time. Only one more country, Bulgaria, joined the Central powers.
During all of this, the USA called bullshit on this war and decided its efforts were better spent back home still hating black people. But, because the English language is such a powerful solidarity tool, they sent the Brits food and materiel. “Thanks” sounds less harsher than “danke” or whatever the fuck Austrian-Hungarians said when people gave them things.
So you don’t know how they say thanks?
Germany found out about that shit and tried to put a stop to it immediately. They sunk the Lusitania, a commercial passenger ship owned by the Brits which traveled between the UK and the US. The Americans got a bunch of innocent people killed by using that ship as a means to transport weapons and shit from the US to the UK. It’s like if you boarded a British Airways flight from New York to London and the Pentagon decided it was a great idea to transport a bunch of grenades and M16s in there. First, I don’t know how they’d get it past the pros at the TSA, and second, that’s fucked up. Germany also tried bribing Mexico into attacking the US. That plan has worked a little too well since it’s 2012 and Mexicans have been invading for nearly 100 years now.
Is that why?
The Brits found out about the little Mexican bribe and told the US. The US is like, “OK, fuck it, let’s do this” and they Leroy Jenkins’d Europe with heavy metal and tanks and shit. Then they get there and are like, “hey, what’s up, why is everyone in holes and shit?” It turns out, warfare changed dramatically with the advent of machine guns. People no longer lined up and shot a bullet or two then rushed each other Braveheart style with bayonets and swords. No, only the morons did that, so this turned into a weird stalemate where people dug themselves into little caverns in the sand like ants and occasionally threw bombs from one side to the other, all while pilots were buzzing around in the air using crop-dusting planes and scarves. More people died from diseases in those dirty-ass trenches than they did from bullets.
Germany made a couple of pushes toward the Allies before the US arrived, but once the US was there it was pretty much a wash. Note that at this point when the US joined, Russia was leaving the war because a homeboy by the name of Vladimir Lenin lead some angry mustachioed guys against the nobility and caused a revolution which got Tsar Nicholas II and his entire family assassinated (again, importance of person merits the term) and communism in place.
The end of the war came when Germany surrendered in November of 1918. The Treaty of Versailles was signed and it states in no uncertain terms that, “Germany needs to pay everybody lots of money for a long time for being such fucking assholes and getting so many people killed and wasting everyone’s goddamn time.” This treaty got them so broke and dejected they used it as part of their reasoning for starting yet another world war. That, and their aesthetic distaste of Jewish noses.