Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

How I Started Writing For the New Times: Volume 1

I started writing stuff for the New Times when one of their editors read my stuff and wanted to give me a stupid column. The idea was “Ask a Frat Bro” where people would ask relationship advice and I would respond with terrible answers as given by a character called Fratty. I wrote two pitches, this is the first.

Dear Fratty,

I don’t know how to meet women. I just can’t seem to be able to go up to a girl I like and get her phone number or ask her out for drinks. I’m not a bad looking guy and I can talk to people just fine. People tell me I’m funny and interesting so it’s not a fear of lack of conversation that holds me back. I simply can’t get myself to approach a woman I find attractive for fear of rejection. How can I get over this so I can finally just ask out a girl for coffee?

Sincerely,
ShyGuy

———-

FIRST OF ALL YOU SHOULDN’T BE DRINKING COFFEE, THAT SHIT IS FOR EUROTRASH AND FUCKING BUSINESS MAJORS. IF YOU WANT ENERGY YOU DRINK A RED BULL AND CHASE IT WITH GATORADE. RED BULL WILL KEEP YOUR SHIT TIGHT AND THE GATORADE HAS ALL KINDS OF MINERALS OR WHATEVER. MY FRAT BRO, DR. GREGORY HOUSE-MUSIC, READ UP ABOUT IT ON WIKIPEDIA AND TOLD ME THAT SHIT IS LEGIT.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS WITH CHICKS, BRO. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SAY WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND AND BE DIRECT. BITCHES LOVE SIX THINGS. SHOPPING, MONEY, CHOCOLATE, LIKE FOUR OTHER THINGS AND CONFIDENT DUDES. UNLESS THEY’RE LESBIANS, THEN THEY ONLY LIKE CONFIDENT DUDES AT HOME DEPOT THAT KNOW HOW TO GET THEM SHIT FROM THE TOP SHELP HAHAHAHA J/K BRO I LOVE LESBIANS. I GOTTA GET YOU TO HANG OUT WITH MY BOY BIG NIG. HE GETS ALL KINDS OF GIRLS. I’M NOT PLAYING, BRO, I’M TALKING ABOUT ALL PERSONALITIES; SMART, DUMB, FUNNY, ASIAN, ALL THAT SHIT. HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO TRY THAT HARD EITHER. DUDE ACTS HARD AS FUCK AND GIRLS ARE ALL OVER THAT. ONE TIME HE TOLD THIS DOMINICAN GIRL HE WAS LIL’ WAYNE’S MANAGER AND SHE FUCKED HIM AND SENT HIM HER MIXTAPE THE NEXT MORNING. BRO, I LOVE THAT GUY, NO HOMO.

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING THOUGH. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BIG LIKE MY BOY, YOU CAN BE ANYBODY AND DO IT UP. WHAT YOU GOTTA DO IS ACT LIKE YOU AIN’T SCARED OF SHIT. USE A GOOD LINE ON HER. BE LIKE, “YO GIRL, DID YOU GROW UP ON A FARM? BECAUSE YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO RAISE SOME COCKS.” HAHAHAHA SHIT IS RIDIC, BRO! I USED THAT AT A TAU IOTA TAU MIXER THE OTHER DAY AND I EARNED MY VADGE FROM THAT GIRL AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HER NAME WAS.

AND IF A GIRL IS ALL LIKE, “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND” YOU JUST SAY, “MANGOS TAKE ABOUT 4 DAYS TO RIPEN” AND WHEN SHE SAYS “WHAT?” YOU GO, “OH, I’M SORRY, I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT BULLSHIT THAT DOESN’T MATTER.” YOU’LL BE EATING MORE PUSSY THAN CERVICAL CANCER.

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