Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Flip Burger Bar

Being told a place has the best macaroni and cheese of any other place known to man is as bold a claim as being told Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive. That’s exactly what I was told about Flip’s mac & cheese, so naturally I had to investigate this shit for myself.

This past weekend while on an excursion to Total Wine and More for some wine and more, it looked like the perfect time to give this bad boy a go. Right off the bat, Flip had certain disadvantages. First, it’s far enough from me up there in North Miami to piss me off. Second, I had eaten a pretty filling meal about 3 hours prior so I wasn’t really that hungry. Third, there was way too much hype surrounding it before I had a taste. All that hype gave me fantasies of a dish so delectable it would cure erectile dysfunction. Not that I needed it, but if a dish could cure that shit for good imagine how much less bitter and war-hungry republican politicians would be. Asshole politicians are assholes because they either wish for a fuller hairline, bigger dick, or a functioning dick.

Asshole politicians are assholes because they either wish for a fuller hairline, bigger dick, or a functioning dick.

So whatever, we decide to grab our wine and more before eating to buy a little more time for previous digestion. When we finally get there, we noticed we were the only ones. That’s normally not a good sign, but in all fairness it’s a Saturday afternoon in North Miami. I didn’t beat around the bush nor did I anticipate ordering anything else. I told the guy I wanted to try the mac & cheese because I’ve heard such great things about it. He gave me a knowing nod like he’s seen my kind before and knows exactly how the scenario is going to play out. I wanted to punch him in his mouth for that. It’s not like he was an asshole about it, not in the least, he just… motherfucking smug look. As fate would have it, homeboy was right.

Motherfucking shitballs that was some tight-ass fucking mac & cheese.

Before Saturday I was content with Panera Bread’s mac & cheese. I thought that Velveeta shit you made at home was pretty dynamite. One time I ate the microwaveable Kraft shit and deemed it acceptable. Never again. It’s impossible for me to go back to any of those and not scoff at their substandard texture, quality, and lack of chest hair melting abilities. Flip’s mac & cheese made me internally question my dedication to food. I struggled with all my prior decisions and had regrets to shit not even related to dining. For example, in pre-school one time we were sitting at our desks which sat four students (two and two on each side, facing each other.) The little brown boy who sat diagonally across me kept smiling and giggling while the little blond girl sitting next to me kept periodically going under the desk, coming back up, and giggling. I wanted to get in on the giggles, so I went under the desk and noticed the little brown boy had his dick out and was flicking his nut sack. I asked the girl why that’s funny and she said she thought his junk looked weird. She didn’t use the word junk, I’m pretty sure she said pee pee because her parents are stupid assholes. Anyway, I don’t know why I did this, but I got up and went behind the kid and pulled his chair out from under the desk so his shit got exposed to the entire class. He didn’t seem to mind, but the teacher saw this disruption, saw his little dick, and picked him up by the collar and started to beat him relentlessly (it was a Catholic school, that’s their conflict resolution.) I regret not joining in on that and showing blondie my package.

I wanted to get in on the giggles, so I went under the desk and noticed the little brown boy had his dick out and was flicking his nut sack.

The mac & cheese must’ve had grated unicorn horn in it because it gave me a sense of wonder and magic. Granted, you can get the same effect from heroine, but I haven’t eaten the mac & cheese in 4 days and I haven’t felt any withdrawal symptoms so we can probably rule that out. Every bite left me thinking about life, love, and why people overlook that Gandhi was racist as shit and wrote about how he thought black people were half a step away from dogs. What an dickhead. The cheese was so perfect, so melty, and such a fantastic blend. I would say the smell was so sweet it smelled like unfettered supermodel pussy, but I’m afraid that statement would turn off most women and homosexuals, so instead I’ll say it smells like daffodils and the freshly-cleansed genitals of your choice. That should cover all but the asexuals which I don’t consider people anyway.

Yes, it’s in North Miami, but this is one of those places I suggest you go out of your way for if just for that one dish. I’m going back to try the burgers, but honestly I don’t give an everliving fuck about anything anymore. Life is only worth living for Flip’s mac & cheese.

And hoverboards. But we don’t have those yet so whatever.

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4 Comments to Flip Burger Bar

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  2. Pingback: Paul M
  3. Jay

    The mac was awesome. Totally went because of you. Thanks!

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