Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Sports Grill

Chicken wings are to men what naked pillow fights and pretending you’re inserting a penis in you when you don a tampon are to women; they’re essential. The beer and wings combo is second only to beer and pizza in the “holy shit I can eat this forever” scale.

Recently I took my concubine to one of the many holy grails of wings and sports in Miami: Sports Grill. The first time she ever had chicken wings was in 2012. Think about what I just said, considering it’s currently January 13th as of writing this. On January 1st, just after the ball dropped and I put my tongue in her mouth, she tried wings for the first time and was so infatuated with them she demanded I provide her with more of that deliciousness. I figured Sports Grill was the rational choice.

It’ll be so fucking awesome, we’ll only serve Old Milwaukee and Cisco!

Back in high school, the guys and I would order 100 wings and curly fries between the four of us at Hooters, stare at tits, and yell at the television on a ritual weekend basis. That’s back when we had those idealistic dreams of, “dude, when we graduate, let’s open a bar! It’ll be so fucking awesome, we’ll only serve Old Milwaukee and Cisco!” Mind you, we couldn’t even legally drink at the time and had a Mormon’s opinion on what good alcohol was. We could scarf down those wings like nobody’s business, so when I told our waiter at Sports Grill to bring 25 wings and some fries for just two of us, I dismissed her just-looked-through-my-dad’s-browser-history look as the mere folly of a tiny female with no understanding of the male stomach’s elasticity.

We ended up eating like 17 wings between the two of us.

She was not “hungry as balls” as was originally advertised. Guys, when a girl tells you she’s “hungry as balls”, she doesn’t mean it in the way other guys say it. They mean it in a, “I could eat half of an appetizer, two bites of your entree, and an entire fucking dessert” sort of way. Don’t get me wrong, she was loving those wings and made some colorful commentary in comparison to the male anatomy, but she ate like 5 at the most. And drank apple juice. Who the fuck drinks apple juice with chicken wings? Had it been apple drank, and chicken wangs, perhaps an exception could be made, but this shit was basically a box of Juicy Juice poured over ice. That is not gangsta.

As a fan of wings, I can say Sports Grill does it right. They burn those shits in the right places and keep it tender while maintaining the proper amount of dryness on the outside. There’s nothing worse than soggy-ass wings. I wouldn’t call myself a wing connoisseur, per se, because I will thoroughly enjoy the fuck out of some Outback Steakhouse wings like a hippie weed cultivator in federal prison enjoys not being violated by his cellmate, but I can appreciate quality.

Don’t get me wrong, she was loving those wings and made some colorful commentary in comparison to the male anatomy…

They’ve got a number of televisions around like any typical sports bar and it’s cool that they seem to give equal time to soccer as they do football. I’ve never taken a good look at their beer selection because I stopped at, “well, we have Guinness, and-“. I’ll tell you what they do have which is surprisingly tasty: caramel cheesecake. Maybe it was because the first time I tried it I was watching Albert Pujols hit his 3rd home run in one game during the World Series. Or maybe it’s because I eat cheesecake like I’m pregnant and not afraid of diabetes. Either way, that shit was on point.

If you love wings, beer, and sports, you’re a complete fucking moron if you haven’t checked out Sports Grill by now. Hell, if you love wings and hate the other two, you’re a piece of shit, but would still enjoy your stay at Sports Grill. Because they serve apple juice.


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5 Comments to Sports Grill

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  3. Fucking apple juice, I would have been like, “BITCH, if you take one more sip of that apple juice, I’m going to hit you over the head with the yellow pages propping you up in your high chair”

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