Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Damn Good Burger

A more apt name for this place would be, “Damn, A Good Burger Would Be Nice Right About Now”. It tries hard to be something it’s not and does it by mostly taking the shitty elements of other burger joints.

One thing they know how to do is grant specials. I haven’t paid attention lately because they’re like one of those girls on your Facebook that’s always writing cryptic fucking status updates for attention, so you just start ignoring them since they’re all the same anyway. DGB does this. They’ll be like, “hey! Today only you can get a burger for half off!” When they first opened I paid attention and once took advantage of an offer where they straight up gave you a free meal. It tasted better since it was free, but I told myself I’d check it out again when they made me bust out my debit card.

When I tried it again the tasty level dropped, like, 40 points. FORTY POINTS. I know my scale is arbitrary and you have no frame of reference telling you whether 40 points is based on a 1 to 1,000,000 scale making it a slight drop or not, but take my word for it, it’s probably marginally not good.

First thing’s first: the price. It costs more than Five Guys Burgers and Fries and less than Burger & Beer Joint. That seems like an unnecessary price point in itself especially when DGB is going for the B&BJ feel when they’re out there selling beer and shit to go with your burger. I’ll tell you right now, Five Guys’ burgers taste unequivocally better than DGB’s. Five Guys gives you more fries (some would say too much) and they also taste better. Just about the only thing DGB has over Five Guys is they serve sweet potato fries and beer. The problem is their sweet potato fries taste like a used back scratcher.

The problem is their sweet potato fries taste like a used back scratcher.

They do deliver though, which is interesting. I can’t tell you how long they would take, but based on how long you’ll wait to get your burger when you’re sitting there at a table I’ll say that on a Jimmy John’s to Miss Yip scale they’re about a 3,264. Maybe 3,210 if you live closer.

While not the best, they’re good enough to have me return. Not necessarily through my own accord, it was my coworkers who wanted to lunch together so we could talk shit about our superiors but I didn’t protest. One time I ordered a turkey burger and I felt my breasts growing. It’s also the messiest thing on the planet besides virgin sex. There’s just sauce everywhere, and the patty glides right off the buns like it’s trying out for the Jamaican bobsled team.

Jamaicans have a bobsled team?

Sorry for the reference. I totally watched this shit last night.

The truth is you’ll probably never hear anyone say, “let’s go to Damn Good Burger” unless they’re stupid coworkers with children and they think “damn” is some kind of taboo word requiring further inspection. There’s just nothing special about the place, except maybe the decor which tries for the ’60s but only goes far enough so that it looks like they’re saying, “look, we ‘like’ the ’60s, but we like not looking like Steak ‘n Shake either.” They pretty much put up a couple of Beatles posters and called it a day. It’s like that hot girl who shows up to a hipster-themed party dressed like she’s going clubbing in South Beach but wears a headband and thinks she nailed it.

Don’t go out of your way for DGB.


So where the hell is it?
  • 20 Biscayne Blvd
  • Miami, FL 33132
  • (305) 718-6565
  • dgbmiami.com
  • Damn Good Burger on Urbanspoon
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3 Comments to Damn Good Burger

  1. Veggie Burger. Yes. This review IS of some use to me, after all.

    • Damn, Miranda, I had no idea you were a terrorist.

  2. How’s that?

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