Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Elwoods Gastro Pub

This place is run by the most British-looking bloke I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s like a mix of a Beatle and early 20th century imperialism. I’ve never spoken to the man because I’m afraid of him turning out to be some Cubanaso that’s all like, “que volon, tiburon?”

Elwoods is situated in downtown between the Vizcayne and Loft II residential buildings about a block from the metro mover 5th street station. The place used to be a Cuban cafeteria with an owner that called me “jefe” and “caballero” on multiple occasions. In English someone will call you chief, usually in a very condescending tone, but they’ll never call you a knight. That’s pretty much the only reason I ever went to that Cuban place more than once, because their food was terrible and one time I had the shits from something (I’m convinced) I had there. So when I was able, I went in there and wrecked their restroom so viciously someone called in a bomb threat.

Are you serious?

In all fairness, it was a misunderstanding.

When I found out they were closing it down I figured they were just going to open another shitty cafeteria or another store to complement the one next to it, which is a clear drug front. How do I know it’s a drug front? Well, if you ever go up to the window display they have Ritz crackers and children’s dresses for sale. It’s also open for, like, an hour per week. One of two things is actually being sold there; drugs or Indonesians.

Later I come to discover it’s a new pub opening. I was sure it would be closed down within a couple of weeks, because there’s no fucking foot traffic there after 7 PM. It becomes a level in Resident Evil, complete with homeless people as zombies. Yet somehow Elwoods managed to captivate the residents of the Loft buildings, Vizcayne, and 50 Biscayne. How? I’ll tell you how. If there’s anything the British know how to do is leverage their sphere of influence. And subjugate brown people.

Is that true?

Either she just bought him, or the British know a thing or two about imperialism.

Elwoods not only serves drinks, they also serve food. I mean, it’s British food which means it’s America’s preferred form of torture just after waterboarding and Glee marathons, but the fact remains that they sell it. Their beer selection isn’t all that impressive though. You’ll find way more beers in a place specialized in it, such as Cerveza, DRB, or Abraxas. Although to be fair they never branded themselves as the foremost authority on beer, it’s just something I self-imposed on them. They have trivia nights on the second and fourth Tuesdays, something I just found out myself and will need to try out. They also have comedy shows which I’ve also neglected to check out but will do so. Sounds like a lot of stuff to enjoy there.

I’ve shown up for happy hour a few times with co-workers to talk shit about our boss, and it’s a good environment for that.

So where the hell is it?
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3 Comments to Elwoods Gastro Pub

  1. Sue

    “…a level in Resident Evil.” So funny. Talk to the guy. He’s 100% British and super cool.

  2. Ankit

    Burgers there are surprisingly good. Like some of the best in Miami… They’re not 6 lb patties like most places so I’m guessing people probably don’t bother trying them, but they are damn good.

  3. I have to concur. Elwoods is just, meh. I like the idea of it, especially as it’s one of the first places to try and open up in downtown catering to a different crowd, and hoping to bank on a re-gentrification that is long over due, but I think it still falls short. I actually went the grand opening and it was a pretty good time. I ate more bacon-wrapped figs than any human should.

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