Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

The UPS Store Downtown

Normally on Fridays I like leaving reviews about places you can visit over the weekend, like restaurants, clubs, or graveyards to have kinky forbidden ghost sex. I wonder what that’s like. If you’d like to join me in experimenting this sort of sexual endeavor, email me at For real.

This time it’s different, because fuck you that’s why. A couple of weeks ago I posted a picture of my shoes on Reddit and they received a lot of attention. So much so that an Australian girl e-approached me asking if I would be willing to buy and ship her a pair (with reimbursement, of course) since Aldo doesn’t ship to Australia. She told me how her boyfriend would love them, it’s his birthday coming up, yada yada.

What were the shoes?

Aw yeah, geek chic motherfucker.

This is, by all accounts, a terrible idea. Middle America has been sustaining Nigeria’s GDP for years due to this sort of activity. But I was swayed by a couple of facts. First, Reddit is a great community with people doing all sorts of altruistic things. They raised over $180,000 for the Haiti relief fund, over $100,000 for Stephen Colbert’s choice foundation Donors Choose, and more. Mind you, these are random individuals contributing all this crap. There’s even a sub-community (a “subreddit”, as they call it) for random acts of kindness. Sure, a lot of people also get conned by the unscrupulous taking advantage of the naivete, but whatever, confirmation bias allows me to disregard those facts. The other reason was I asked her to add me on Facebook so I could verify whether or not she seemed like a decent person. It was a tough process, but ultimately I decided to proceed with my good deed for the decade.

What was the process?

It’s infallible.

In order to get the shoes to Australia, I had two choices. I could call US Immigration and Customs Enforcement and place an anonymous tip on my rugby-loving Aussie neighbor who can go fuck himself with all that loud electronic music and ask him to drop off the shoes after he gets deported, or I could check with UPS. UPS would probably be quicker due to the US government’s notoriously bureaucratic timelines so I went to the one near my office downtown.

I had used it once before to send out an envelope which cost $10 to do. It seemed a little steep to send an envelope to Kendall, but I chalked it up to them needing like $8 extra to pay the troll guarding the gates of Hell. This time, however, I saw the racket.

…I chalked it up to them needing like $8 extra to pay the troll guarding the gates of Hell.

I go up to the counter and tell the lady where I need to ship it and what the object is. She proceeds to measure and weigh it. Then she lubed up her cock and started trying to fuck me. “$132 via UPS, $111 via DHL, and $66 via USPS.” Never have I been fucked harder, and I have a Bank of America account. I wanted to know why the differences were so stark between UPS and USPS, so I asked her, “does UPS book a seat for the package in P. Diddy’s private jet?” She told me she didn’t know, which is probably the dumbest fucking answer to a rhetorical question I’ve ever heard. So I asked again without the snark, “how come UPS charges so much more?” Again, she just shrugs.

I wasn’t about to pay college tuition to send a package, so I left. I told the Aussie girl about this issue and she was willing to go with the $66 USPS option. The next day I figured I’d go to the USPS office directly to see what was up. After the nice lady measured and weighed it, she told me it would cost $22. That’s more like it. I asked her why the other place was trying to wring my pockets out for 200% more and she laughed and called that place a ripoff. Then we talked about Muppet Babies for like 5 minutes and I left.

Moral of the story is fuck that UPS Store. Note: this isn’t a critique of UPS, because overall they’re the tits.

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