Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Miss Doral Beauty Pageant

I’ve always viewed beauty pageants as some fixed mob game of favoritism. Miami Beach Towing is run with more integrity and honesty than your typical beauty pageant. When you break it down, you’re just watching a bunch of pretty girls/women answer questions in various articles of clothing. Ask any straight guy; that’s the LAST thing we want to see women do.

I had to go to this shit show because my younger sister was competing in it. Before I continue with this review, let me tell you a little something a woman said to me in line for the restroom. The restroom, by the way, being ONE unisex restroom. Really, guys? It’s a fucking beauty pageant full of moms and grandmothers in the audience yearning for youth, you really think each and every woman who enters isn’t going to spend a solid 10 minutes “powdering their nose”? Anyway, I’m in line and this woman walks up behind me and asks, “is this the line for the bathroom?” Yes. “This whole thing is a fucking circus.” How right she was. Allow me to explain.

We’re talking about Hispanic people setting timelines…

The event was slated to begin at 8 PM. We’re talking about Hispanic people setting timelines, so I expected 8-ish. 9. It started at NINE-fucking-o’clock. How does one overshoot a schedule by a full hour? I expected much more professionalism from the pageant being held at a plastic surgery warehouse (it’s Doral). So it started an hour late, mostly because of all the goddamn sponsors that required shout outs. When it did begin, the host of the night, Bernhard Seifert, regaled us with his wonderful abilities. By “regaled” I mean “tortured”, and by “wonderful” I mean “lack of”. You’d think with a name like Bernhard Seifert he’d be able to speak some English (or rather, German, but whatever) but it turns out homeboy is just one of those conquered Mexicans. His jokes fell flat and his voice was obnoxious. About the only time I laughed at anything he said was when he plugged his own website (

People held up signs and hooted like they were at a Justin Bieber concert. With that said, I was guilty of cheering obnoxiously for my little sister if only to counteract the asshole with the vuvuzela. Oh, I didn’t mention there was an asshole with a vuvuzela?

What is a vuvuzela?

This hellish device.

Yes, 2010 South Africa World Cup audible-waterboarding instrument of torture which made me wish apartheid was still a thing was being used by some Cuban asshole not three meters away from me. That fucking instrument singlehandedly made me hate black people for a month. I hope you’re happy with yourself, Cuban guy, because now I’m rooting for communism.

But the craziest thing of the night was the entertainer. They had some girl sing a song early on, and she wasn’t bad and I don’t remember her name so I have no ill will toward her. However, this fucking Argentine douche was so powerfully ridiculous I can never forget him. His name is Ariel Nan, and not even all the hair products he uses could hold his act together.

What does he look like, so I can hate him?

This is why people hate Argentinians.

He comes out looking like a gayer Ricky Martin, and I’m already annoyed because we’re an hour behind schedule on a Sunday. Right off the bat you know this guy is a tool just by the way he presents himself, but whatever. He banters a bit with the host and hostess, and then he starts to sing. His song sounds like something Carlos Ponce would sing at gunpoint, so I’m just waiting for it to end. Within, like, 20 seconds into his song, he just stops singing. Flat-out stops. He has the balls to say some bullshit like, “sorry, but I need more energy from you guys in order to keep going. Come on, give me more energy.” The reality is he forgot the words to his own fucking song. He makes his way backstage, presumably to look up the lyrics on his phone or to fire his manager, then he comes back out to a mix of cheers and laughter. He begins his shitty song once more and in the same exact spot as last time, he stops AGAIN. This time he didn’t try to play it off like it was somehow the audience’s fault as the crowd starts laughing at him.

He comes out looking like a gayer Ricky Martin…

The milf two seats to my left looks at me and mouths out the words “oh my God” while I return the “I know, right?” That was the reaction from most of the audience. Pity + shame + laughter + annoyance. The third time he started the song he managed to get through it, so I figured that was the end of that. Nope. Later between announcing the winners of Miss Teen (I neglected to mention they had 13-year-olds in bikinis alongside the Miss Doral women) they brought this scumbag back out and he sang another shitty, off-key song about love or whatever. If I ever played the “marry, fuck, kill” game and the choices were Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Ariel Nan… well, let’s just say I wouldn’t kill Hitler.

Miraculously, the winner of the pageant happens to be the only girl whose hair and makeup was done perfectly by the same person who did everyone else’s hair and makeup like shit. It’s also the girl who they held a cocktail party for a couple of weeks before. Also the girl whose family was working the event and sponsored it substantially. Also the girl who was the least bit surprised when she was announced the winner. Either she’s had more facelifts than Joan Rivers and can’t raise her eyebrows or she was privy to info long before it was given. The girl who by all accounts should’ve won, some Brazilian chick who knows the meaning of “pandering to the audience”, got slighted by a rigged competition.

When it was all said and done, it was already Monday. You see, I was there for four fucking hours, and this crap didn’t end until midnight. The first thing my sister said to me after it was over was, “sorry for asking you guys to come here.” I forgive her for that, but I’m still going to call her “loser” for a few more weeks.

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13 Comments to Miss Doral Beauty Pageant

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  3. NeedPics

    And they don’t even need to be of the 13 year olds!

    That Bernhard Seifert looks to be a real turd.

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  6. heh funny thing is the vuvuzela sounds much worse on TV because of all the fucking microphones on the pitch and around the stadium. Take it from someone who went to SA for the WC and saw 6 matches, the vuvuzela sounds nothing like what you hear on tv. It goes in waves. Who the fuck can blow a vuvuzela for 90+ minutes? Nobody.

    But seriously, who the fuk blows a vuvuzela in a warehouse? At least the stadiums in SA were open top!

  7. Gerardo

    Hey raza inferior, el de la vuvuzela no era cubano ignorante!!!
    Gran circo de esta organizacion, la seriedad la ven en donde ni un website tienen, un evento pautado para las 8 pm de un domingo! Osea la gente trabaja al dia siguiente senores, pero seguro el sabado Pierinni no iba prestar sus excelentes instalaciones y la “organizacion” no iba pagar por tal cosa,  por eso se hizo un domingo y hasta las 12 am la gente cansada y aburrida.

    Las puertas se abrieron al publico a las 8 pm, pero a los familiares de la Brasilera Estefany y Alejandra Montoya ya estaban adentro desde temprano, y el show o mejor dicho el circo empezo a las 9:10pm
    Los animadores no se sabian los nombres del jurado, los animadores no nombraron a la principal figura, el Senor Pierinni,  ni le dieron agradecimiento por las instalaciones ni promocion adecuada al lugar, y luego en medio del evento empezaron a llamarlo y el senor Pierinni brillo por su ausencia (sabia desicion) de seguro no queria formar parte del circo.
    El jurado ni tenia el control de los nombres de las participantes, a las teen las llamaba por el nombre de las Miss, el cantante de la noche: Ariel Nan,  paro su show 2 veces porque no se sabia su propia cancion!!!! La Chica Francesca, cantante, hizo buena actuacion y limpio el desatre de tal Ariel, ella si estubo excelente.
    Los animadores no nombraron a uno de los patrocinantes: Stability Fitness Miami y ni dio el impulso prometido a los patrocinantes en el evento, oh perdon, en el circo! Donde nadie vio material Pop de las marcas, Stand o imagenes en el supuesto video!!!
    Y la marca que intento poner su stand (como se le prometio) tenia preparado dar gifts al publico e informacion sobre su programas, se le fue negado por la organizacion. Inclusive hasta al patrocinante Heladeria Ricos Ice Cream no se dio el impulso de un patrocinante VIP pero la organizacion se defiende diciendoles que le dara 1 ano de impulso ya que su candidata fue la que gano, perdon; la que pusieron!!!

    De nada sirvio el apoyo que recibieron algunas chicas por la web, ya que no se tomo en cuenta, asi como tambien las barras de apoyo que le dieron vida a ese circo funeral! 

    No existio un brindis, aperitivo ni aagua para el publico tomara, pero cuando tenias sed podias comprar aguas, gatorades y sodas al precio tipico de un parque de Disney en el unico meson o stand permitido en las instalaciones, el esposo e hijo de la organizadora del evento con su vulgar cava al propio estilo del presente circo haciendo su agosto y redondeando la noche.

    Entre las Teen, la bella imagen y excelentes respuestas de la niña Simone no valieron de nada, solo para ser 1era finalista, y ni la bella y esbelta figura de la nina Maria Alejandra porque se tuvo que conformar con un 2da finalista, para nombrar Miss Teen Doral a una niña que sin animos de ofender a nadie no tenia que figurar ni entre las 5 finalistas, hasta la misma niña lloro de la emocion y sus padres ni supieron celebrar ya que la nina Simone a su lado se veia muy extremadamente superior.

    Ni hablar de las Miss Doral, donde igual todo se sabia desde hace dias, pero la organizacion sin peros ni verguenza monto a su falsa, incompleta, irresponsable y fuera de tono chica como ganadora por su patrocinante VIP
    Y en el cuadro de las 3 finalistas no figuro la Bella mis fotogenica Jennifer que respondio bien todas sus preguntas, a la chica Cindy de Chile que a pesar de presentarse con voluntad al concurso por su orzuelo en un ojo, supo disimular con elegancia, estilo y belleza para que ni siquiera entrara entre las 3 finales??? Y ni hablar de la Venezolana rubia Stefania Tunzi, impecable toda la noche y con la barra mas grande del evento, en donde el publico presente e imparcial la veia como la ganadora, no  formo parte de las 3 finalistas, las 3 finales fueron 2 chicas que no cumplian con los requisitos, respondieron mal, titubearon, una de ellas ni en español le hablo al publico, una mezcla de ingles y portugues, y sus vestidos al igual que sus portes no estaban aceptables, sin nombrar que Alejandra Montoya respondio mal, titubeo en la pregunta, tropezo entre las chicas modelando, no tenia apoyo en internet de NADIE, su vestido era mas nulo que una ecuacion de x, pero eso no Importa porque de ella se podia hasta caer esta noche, e igual iba ganar, si no la organizacion le quedaria muiy mal al patrocinante que pago parte del circo.
    En fin un total desastre, sin organizacion y muchos padres desde tempranos molestos y no porque su representada no gano, si no mas bie  por todo lo comentado antes y lo que aun no sabemos porque hay mas!!!

    • Belinda

      Hey race inferior, the one of vuvuzela was not Cuban ignorant! Great circus of this organization, sees it to seriousness where nor website has, an event ruled for the 8 p.m. of a Sunday! Osseous people work gentlemen on the following day, but surely Pierinni Saturday did not go to give its excellent facilities and the “organization” did not go to pay by such thing, for that reason tired and boring people were made a Sunday and until the 12 a.m. The 8 doors were abrieron to I publish to p.m., but to the relatives of the Brazilian Estefany and Alejandra Montoya or they were inside from early, and the show or rather the circus empezo to 9:10 p.m. The entertainers sabian the names of the jury, the entertainers did not name to the main figure, Mr. Pierinni, neither gave to gratefulness by the facilities nor promotion him adapted to the place, and soon in the middle of the event they began to call it and Mr. Pierinni brightness by its absence (wise decision) of insurance queria not to comprise of the circus. The jury nor tapeworm the control of the names of the participants, to them called teen them by the name of the Miss, the singer at night: Ariel Nan, unemployment its show 2 times because not wise its own song! The Francesca Girl, singer, made good action and clean desatre of such Ariel, excellent she if estubo. The entertainers did not name to one of the patrocinantes: Stability Fitness Miami and nor gave the impulse promised to the patrocinantes in the event, oh pardon, in the circus! Where nobody saw material MGP of the marks, Stand or images in the supposed video! And the mark that attempt to put his stand (as promethium) tapeworm preparation to occur gifts him to I publish and information on its programs, had refused to him by the organization. Including until the patrocinante Ice-cream shop Rich She hoists Cream did not occur the impulse of a patrocinante VIP but the organization defends saying to them that dara to him 1 anus of impulse since her candidate was the one that I win, pardon; the one that put! Don’t mention it sirvio the support that received some girls by the Web, since not take into account, as well as the support bars that gave to life to that circus funeral him! Not existio a toast, appetizer nor aagua for I publish would take, but when tapeworms thirst podias to buy waters, gatorades and soda waters to the typical price of a park of Disney in the only inn or stand allowed in the facilities, the husband and son of the organizer of the event with its vulgar digging to the own style of the present circus doing its August and clearing the night. Between the Teen, the beautiful image and excellent answers of the Simone girl were not worth don’t mention it, to only be 1era finalist, and neither the beautiful and slim figure of the girl Maria Alejandra because it had to conform to 2da finalist, to name Miss Teen Doral to a girl who without intentions to offend to anybody nontapeworm that to appear nor between the 5 finalists, until the same girl I cry of the emotion and its parents nor knew to celebrate since the Simone girl very extremely to its side veia superior. Neither to speak of the Miss Doral, where equal everything wise for day, but the organization without peros nor verguenza false, incomplete amount to her, irresponsible one and outside small tone like winner by its patrocinante VIP And in the picture of the 3 finalists I do not appear Beautiful the my photogenic Jennifer that respondio well all questions, to the Cindy girl of Chile that in spite of appearing with will to the contest by his orzuelo in an eye, knew to disguise with elegance, style and beauty so that not even it entered between the 3 end? And nor to speak of the blond Venezuelan Stefania Tunzi, impeccable all night and with the great bar but of the event, where I publish present and impartial veia like the winner, I do not comprise of the 3 finalists, the 3 end was 2 girls which they do not cumplian with the requirements, they responded bad, they titubearon, one of them nor in Spanish I speak to him to I publish, an English mixture of and Portuguese, and its dresses like their bearings were not acceptable, without naming that Alejandra Montoya respondio badly, hesitation/in the question, tropezo between the girls modeling, nontapeworm support in Internet of ANYBODY, its dress was but null that an equation of x, but that Does not matter because of her podia until falling tonight, and equal went to win, if not it organization quedaria him muiy badly to the patrocinante that payment leaves from the circus. In aim a total disaster, without annoying organization and many early parents from and not because represented his I do not win, if not but bie by all the commented one before and what not yet we know because there is but!

  8. Eduardo

    Hello!!! I am venezuelan and the vuvuzela guy!!! I loved to torment and hurt you were at 3 meters and not nearer to bother you but with vuvuzela, bye centroamericanito!!! Greetings!!! 😉

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  11. Carla

    Este blog es una ridicules; me figura que tu hija a perdido y esto es una especie de cartas de odio; aparte tienes un pensamiento marginal, detestable y poco calificado.. Mas estupidos fueron ustedes que pagaron una boleta para este evento jajajaja…losers

  12. Esther

    yo estube alli; me parece que se les fue la mano con el cantante, el cual me parecio agradable y muy talentoso; (no se que tiene que ver de que pais viene, no hizo honor a la fama que tienen los argentinos en ningun momento) y se que este cantante si tuvo problemas, pero nadie se percato de que el sonido del evento era malisimo; el presentador (SI RECUERDAN) tambien tuvo mil complicasiones; NO HABLEN ESTUPIDECES!!! A mi el show de Ariel Nam me gusto, y no es tan asi como lo describen aqui, eh visto videos en donde la gente (incluido el senor de la vuvusela) se la ve alegre, y cantando la cancion que este interpretaba; que no es de carlos ponce, sino una version nueva del fallecido cantante sandro de america! Sinceramente el que escribio esto es un enfermo de pinga y racista a la cultura hispana…

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